A Kinkster's Guide

2012-01-14T10:53:00.002-06:00

I can't believe I've just discovered Pinterest! I'm still anxiously awaiting an invite. I have had 3 friends sent invites to 4 different email addresses, but NONE of them are arriving.

Sad face for me. One point to Pinterest for being choosey about invites and garnering more hype for their site.

I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. Recipes I'd love to try (or have my Dom try, hehehe), gorgeous photos full of color, my dream house, you name it.

Also, now I want to participate in a flash mob. Preferably a musical shabang of some sort. Love it.

That's all that's new here with us.... Pinterest and flash mobs.

Post-Christmas Post (heh heh)

2011-12-28T15:09:00.003-06:00

Ok, so my title was an unintentional play on words. I love those.

As I'm enjoying my time off for work, reading my Blog List since who-knows-how-long ago, I'm enjoying getting back into the lives of all my favorite writers. I feel like I've missed quite a lot in their lives, so I did some back-reading to catch up. It's nice to be back in their familiar lives via their writing.

Everyone seems to be summing up how the holidays went. Several spanked women have reported getting more spankings due to increased Christmas-time stress. It's very understandable, but that's not how our holidays went.

Like most of you out there, my holidays were stressful. Thankfully, that didn't really cause problems between my Dom and I. If anything, I'm more thankful to have him and the holidays really made me aware of how reliant on him I could become if I let myself.

Yes, the holidays are stressful for all of us for different reasons. Family, money, travel, packed schedules, etc. For me, they are stressful because my parents are divorced. Nine years later, they cannot seem to find a way to split the holidays in a way that makes both of them happy. They don't communicate with each other about who's doing what when, and then they both get mad and upset at the plans the other one has made, and then I invariably take sides and get upset and it causes fights between me and my father and sometimes my mother.

This year, I invited them both to my house to see the baby's first Christmas. Then I suggested my Dom, the baby, and I head to Mom's for lunch and Dad's for dinner. Everyone was agreeable to this plan and both seemed to think it was fair that neither should miss the baby's first Christmas morning. I thought I had avoided a big fight over Christmas plans for the first time.

I should have known better.

We have close family friends who live in another state. When my parents got divorced, these friends got caught in the middle. So we ended up having a huge fight about who could be with them when.

My mom planned to go have Christmas with them this weekend, Friday through Sunday. My dad also planned to go have Christmas with them.

A huge fight ensued, which was very upsetting for me as I felt caught in the middle.

My dad's side is this:

he wants to do Christmas with the family friends AND my mom and her husband

he says she needs to "get over" hating him after 9 years divorced

he thinks it's not fair to ask him to miss Christmas dinner and presents with them

he also thinks my mom is "dictating" everyone else's Christmas since she's the only person who does not want to be together and everyone else would be fine with it, so she should just suck it up and live with him and his girlfriend being there

if we do Christmas celebrations with them separately, he says he will miss getting to see the baby open her presents from them and it is awkward to just have him exchange one gift with them, rather than watch 10 people all opening many gifts

he thinks he should get to spend New Year's weekend with them since he has to travel there anyway to see his side of the family, who has their reunion that weekend

he thinks it would be simpler for everyone and less awkward for our family friends if they don't have to "choose" which parent to celebrate with (my brother, my husband, the baby, and I are only there long enough to do one celebration, so that ends up being the "official" one)

My mom's side is this:

she says my dad should not expect to spend Christmas celebrations together when they are divorced

she hates him and being around him makes her miserable, anxious, and sick to her stomach. She says she can handle it on occasions (like sharing the baby's first Christmas morning) but not often

she says his "get over it" attitude is belittling of her feelings and he treats her feelings as though they don't matter at all

she says he sees these family friends more than she does and should be willing to let her have Christmas since he sees them several times more a year

she says his presence there ruins her time with her friends, or if she decides to go away when we have our celebration, she has traveled 4 hours to spend a weekend with them and then gets forced to either put up with him for Christmas dinner or has to go sit by herself for an evening and miss time with them

Ideally the family friends would just decide and put an end to it, but they are all so passive. They tell my mom they agree with her, and then turn around and tell my dad they agree with him. They refuse to take a stand either way and just wait silently for my parents to both arrive there and fight it out between themselves.

This has been terrible for me. It makes me feel anxious and I've been having nightmares.

I try not to get in the middle of it and just let them handle it, but they NEVER DO. They just realized yesterday that they both plan to be there this weekend. Now they are both mad at each other and blaming the other one for not making plans and communicating with each other. Dad is mad at Mom for being selfish and wanting to exclude him, and she says he should just go visit his other family and leave her time with them uninterrupted.

I end up having to play the go-between. I end up relaying messages back and forth, not because they ask me to, but because if I don't bring it up, no one will. And it upsets me and makes me anxious to know this huge fight is coming, so I prefer to just talk to them myself and get it over with for my own sanity.

This season, I have had one big fight with my father when he told me my mom was "silly" for not wanting to share our family friends with him and she should "get over it" and not be upset. I started yelling at him that he can't belittle her feelings and that it's selfish of him to be willing to ruin her Christmas just so he can have his way and pretend everyone is happy and ignore the fact that it makes her anxious, sick to her stomach, and stay up feeling sick and anxious when she knows she has to be around him. He denies that it bothers her at all and just thinks she exaggerates so she can exclude him from our friends.

Then I had to deal with my mother when she flipped out that he was coming and started panicking and yelling about how he never cared about them before, why can't he just leave her alone to see her friends, and why did he never plan anything with her, and she only sees them 3 times a year and he goes down once every month or two so can't he just let her spend Christmas with them alone?! And then I was trying to explain where he's coming from and telling her it's not fair to expect him to not see them for Christmas and it almost started a fight between us. And then she went off crying and upset, which made me miserable and feel just sick.

I know I should let them be adults and handle this themselves, but the problem is they DON'T handle this and never have. Every year, we go through this same fight! And it puts me in the middle and I end up getting mad at one of them and it makes me feel anxious and start dreading going, so it affects me too.

I have suggested they just alternate holidays, every other year, so that way one of them misses the big Christmas celebration every year, but neither of them wants to miss it. And my dad says my mother is welcome so why can't she just get over it? And my mom says it isn't fair to make her miss Christmas with people when she planned this months ago with them.

It is very stressful for me.

Mostly, my Dom has tried to stay out of it because they are my parents. He has been very supportive of me and nice, holding me and giving me advice. The one thing I wish is that he would get involved so I don't have to fight both my parents' battles for them. I know he has opinions about this but he never tells them.

Last night we were having a discussion with my dad about this, and my Dom just sat there. It was so infuriating! I want him to be my knight in shining armor and I've told him several times that I hate it when he stands back and makes me deal with all the conflict. I understand he may feel reluctant to get into my family drama, but we are married now and it is our family. He is very very close to both my parents and they respect him and understand that he has a stake in these decisions too, and I think he has a right to voice his opinion. I wish he would because conflict with them stresses me out so much more than it does him, and one of the benefits of me giving up more control was supposed to be that he would deal more with conflict and handle our lives more, taking more responsibility for making sure that I am emotionally safe and happy.

So I asked him what he thought and he shrugged and said nothing. I wanted to throttle him!!!!

He is so strong and confident with conflict with me or work or his own friends. But with my family he just checks out and makes me deal with it myself. I want him to step in and protect me and help me deal with the problems as they come.

I know some husbands aren't close to their wives' families but we live in the same tiny town as them, see them all the time, and he calls them Mom and Dad. I think he is close enough to them that it would not be overstepping his bounds to get involved.

Every holiday season, I have to deal with my parents' inability to see eye to eye. They just want such different things and they seem to have no regard for what the other one wants. I believe they are both trying to be "fair" but Mom's idea of fair is that Dad go down another weekend, and Dad's idea of fair is that everyone celebrate together.

It is driving me crazy.

I would just not go but that is punishing me and my husband and our family friends, and we are not the ones whose problem this is.

I am just not sure what to do.

Ohhhh, the holidays.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T00:45:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas to all my readers!

I thought this photo was a beautiful depiction of the nativity.

I hope we are all grateful for the God who became Man so we could live. And to His mother, who made the sacrifice to bear him, and to His adopted father, he made the sacrifice to accept him.

This season, I hope we can avoid the stresses of travel, family, consumerism, and greed, and focus on giving, loving, and spending time with loved ones. It may be the perfect time to get right with Jesus.... since it is his birthday, after all.

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T06:05:00.001-06:00

Every year for Christmas Eve, my parents used to take us out to a family restaurant in the area.

It's long since closed, and I miss it, but my mom has continued the tradition of a nice family meal at an elegant restaurant.

This year, she asked if we'd like to get a sitter for the baby or take her along. I said I'd rather take her. It's her first Christmas (I've bought a ridiculous amount of cute baby dresses for the occasion; we'll have one for every party we go to!) and I want this baby I love to be part of our family tradition from the very start.

Plus, since I work, time off is so precious that I want to spend it all with her.

But as this Christmas season approaches, I'm reminded of how much our lives have changed in just one year.

A year ago, I was smoking almost every day. Now, I have a job and a child. That part of my life has forever changed, for obvious reasons.

A year ago, my brother had not moved halfway across the country. This year, my family will have our first Christmas without him.

A year ago, we lived at our crappy jobs in our beautiful home. Now, we've moved closer to my family due to my husband's job, and I'm working full-time and so is he, at two completely different jobs from what we had before.

We're in a different area, in a different home, in a completely different part of the world, much closer to my parents. This has led to a complete switch in my relationship with my parents; it's much, much better with my mother and stepfather, and actually now worse with my dad.

Our different jobs have led us to a very different schedule. We're busier and more tired. We do different work. He travels now.

But the most important difference is this.

A year ago, we were just considering having a child. We were praying about it and had decided to try for a baby on January 1st, when I would be on his work insurance. We were toying around with the idea, but still living like kids--part-time work, smoking, parties, staying up late and sleeping in.

Now, we've been through the most awesome and terrifying and trying experience a couple can go through--pregnancy and childbirth with an extra helping of new parenthood. We've learned to rely on each other and experienced ups and downs we'd never known before.

It's just amazing to me how a mere year ago this beautiful baby did not exist. She was thought of, but not seriously. And now here she is, chubby and laughing and crying with a personality of her own.

She is the most beautiful thing I know.

So much has changed in a year.

Our lives will never be the same.

Winning the Man-Hater Over

2011-12-23T17:47:00.000-06:00

"Your mom respects me," my Dom told me a few days ago. "I can tell."

My mom, if you haven't read much of my blog, is what you would call a Strong, Independent Woman. She was more of a man than my father was when we were growing up; not only was she the nurturer and loving, emotional one, but she was the protector, the brave one, the one who would fight tooth and nail for her kids.

She is also something of a man-hater.

I don't think she means to be. But I was raised with the subtle, unspoken attitude that men are weak, men are stupid, you can't trust men to do anything, and if you want it done right, you need to rely on a woman. They need the direction of a strong woman in their life to be worth anything. Basically, men are good for cooking and cleaning and doing service around the house, but for the big things, like bills, child-rearing, getting kids fed and clothed, and protecting the family, you need to rely on a woman.

I know, it's backwards from what most people are taught.

I don't blame her for this attitude, really. My dad was sweet and helpful, but he wasn't strong or fiery. He didn't fight for their marriage; he just let it slip away slowly while he was busy watching golf on the tv. To her, he was good for doing menial chores, like cooking and dishes and laundry, but she had to be the one who stood up for her kids, planned the dates, managed the checkbooks, and made all the big decisions.

So of course she thinks most men are useless.

Therefore, she treats most men like servants. She'll boss them around ("Why don't you go help the kids with their toys? Bring me a Coke with three ice cubes, please. Did you finish cooking dinner? Good, now set the table and then you can clean the dishes") and make fun at their expense.

My Dom got tired of this. He comes from a more traditional family, where women are seen as weak and men are seen as strong.

He was not happy with my mom's attitude toward him.

He started responding with emotional jabs back when she got bossy or high-handed with him. He acted like he was the king and she was lucky to be in the room with him.

She never said anything. I was afraid she was going to start hating him.

Instead, to my amazement, the strong man-eater started seeking his approval. She would laugh at his jokes. She didn't boss him around. When she did, she added a "please." When he hugged her or laughed at her jokes, she would beam, like she'd accomplished something. She likes to joke with him over a bottle of wine.

She seems to respect him.

When we got engaged, she appalled and worried me by crying "I just didn't want you to settle!" Those words--and her seeming disapproval of my choice--haunted me.

A few days ago, I brought it up. I asked her if she thought I'd settled.

She looked surprised. "No!" she said. "I just wanted you to be sure."

Warm waves of my mother's approval washed over me. She likes him. She respects him. She doesn't think I settled.

Neither do I.

Becoming a weaker woman

2011-12-19T17:31:00.004-06:00

"Are you making me into a weak woman?" I asked.

My Dom seemed confused. "Why would you think that?"

Why would I think that? Because now it seems like I've become used to relying on him to make every decision I don't feel like making. I can't decide between the chicken and the fish. Which one do I want, babe? I'm not sure if I'd like fries to go with that for only a dollar. Do I want fries, babe?

If I want something, I say so. And he doesn't care. But if I'm hesitating, I turn to him. Even on the smallest things.

I've noticed an alarming pattern to my answers when my parents ask me questions. "Getting a new car? I don't know if we've started looking. Ask him." Or, "Utilities high this month? I have no idea. Ask him." Or, "Are the bills paid on time? I don't know. He always takes care of that."

Last night, I noticed the pattern. I noticed this when the voice from the drive-through speakers asked me if we wanted an extra McRib for only a dollar.

McRib? I've never had one. I've heard of them; they're rather famous. They're supposed to be delicious, but I think they sound kind of gross, frankly. But should I try one because they're supposed to be so good? And is a dollar a really good deal? How much do they cost usually, anyway? Is this a real bargain that I shouldn't be passing up?

I turned to my husband, feeling slightly panicked. "Do we want the McRib?"

He didn't seem troubled by any of the decision-making angst I was.

"No thank you," he told the speaker confidently. I could only marvel at his decision-making ability.

But then I started to wonder. I looked at the last few months and yes, I've finally started leaning on him more and insisting on my way less. (Usually.) But then I started to notice that lately, I deon't make any hard decisions anymore.

"Are you making me weak?" I asked him worriedly. "Is this bad?"

"I don't think you're weak," he said. "I like making decisions. It stresses you out."

"But shouldn't I be helping you make these big decisions?" I insisted. "Like buying a new car and bills and stuff?"

"Do you want to?"

"Well," I said defensively. "I can. I am certainly capable of helping make them."

"Right," he said, unimpressed. "But do you want to?"

Well... no. Not really. But if he keeps making all the decisions for us, what if I lose my decision-making muscle? What if my decision maker gets really flabby and out of shape? What if he dies, and I'm left to care for myself and our children? Shouldn't I be in practice, knowing how to pay bills and purchase items and manage a household and make decisions? Isn't he putting our family at risk by allowing me to be the weak woman who relies on the stereotypical "strong man" for everything?

I voiced as much.

"I'm a smart, educated woman! You're not using my talents for anything."

"I do use your talents," he protested. "You're good at encouraging me, at reminding me to do things."

"That's not using my intelligence or experience," I said stubbornly.

"It's not," he agreed. "I know you're smart and capable. But I make the decisions because it doesn't bother me to. I know it stresses you out. You can make them, but it's easier for you not to."

Wow. I wasn't sure if I were grateful to him for stepping up and being a man, or worried that he was making me one of those swooning, can't-do-anything-without-a-man, wussy women that I hate.

I guess a little of both. But it seems to work for us, at least for now.

If it ain't broke...

The Fight

2011-11-17T18:22:00.002-06:00

He says he knows me too well.

When I threaten to leave, he just waits.

I storm off. But he doesn't follow me. He doesn't seem upset that I'm leaving.

Hmm. This is not going the way that I planned.

I stall. Play with the cat. Go back inside under the pretense of getting my coat.

We fight some more. I threaten to leave again.

This time, I only make it as far as the coat closet. I linger there, waiting. He doesn't come out.

Obviously he doesn't love me at all. He doesn't even care if I leave.

And if I leave, I am not taking my phone. So take that. I will make sure he does not have a way to get hold of me.

He comes out. We fight more. I'm even more upset because it appears he does not care about if I leave or not. Does he want our day to be ruined?

(I know, it sounds so silly now.)

Finally, he tells me he knows me too well. He knew I wasn't going to leave. He knew I was bluffing. Apparently, I always threaten to leave once or twice before I get up the guts to storm out.

Hmph. He seems to have my number. Am I really that obvious? I don't care. I'm going to remain expressionless and not admit guilt.

This makes me even madder. Now I really have to leave! He's called my bluff, upped the ante. (Maybe I should play poker more often.)

I start to storm out. This time, I'm going.

Somehow, he knows it.

His hand shoots out. Grips me around the neck. Slams me back into the wall.

Tears run down my face. But I will not give in. I will not cry aloud.

"Do you like this?" he asks, not angrily. "Is this what you wanted? This is D/s. This is me telling you that you cannot go."

I do not answer. I am too stubborn. I shut my eyes, blocking him out. Tears run down my face. I think I might hate him. He has to let go of me eventually. I will leave then.

He takes my keys.

I do not utter a word of protest, but I am livid. I think quickly of a way to get around this.

He waits by the doorway for a long, long time, guarding it. I stand against the wall, eyeing him. He waits to see if I will make a break for it. I know there is no chance for me to make it with him right there, so I wait to see when he will move away.

He moves warily to the kitchen. I march to the back bedroom. Lock the door. Take that.

I remove his keys. Where do I put them? Obviously not in my pocket. Not in my coat pocket, either. Yet stuffing them in my bra or pants seems so juvenile. Even for me.

I settle on my back pocket.

I open the door. He is still in the kitchen. I walk, quickly but not running, down the hall. Make a beeline down the stairs and toward the door.

I am only halfway there when I hear him tearing behind me. Strong arms grab me. He obviously expects a fight, but I'm no fool---I can't overpower him. I do not resist as he jerks me roughly back toward the hallway.

"I knew you'd try to run," he says angrily. Hands pat my pockets. No keys.

He wraps his arms around me, half embrace and half hold. He puts his hands in my coat pockets (no keys there, either) and kisses my neck. "Why are you so angry?" he says.

Wordless, I start to walk toward the hallway, hoping he'll think I've given up.

Hands pat my back pockets.

$*#&*!

He removes the keys. Puts them into his pocket. Starts to push me up the stairs.

"I'm going, I'm going!" I grumble.
***************************************

In the end, he doesn't let me leave. He persistently asks me what's wrong. Finally, I tell him. I tell him why I am so hurt and angry. And how I am so tired that it's hard to think straight. He nods and listens. We talk it out.

Later, he says, "I'm sorry if I was too rough with you. But I couldn't let you leave."

I am a little surprised. Too rough with me? If anything, I was the one who lost my temper. He stayed fairly calm throughout.

I shake my head. "You were fine." He did the right thing. He kept me here to talk it out instead of leaving and spending pointless hours alone, in silence. He saved the weekend so we could spend the rest of it as a family.

He was a leader.

Last Night's Sex and Domination

2011-11-10T09:22:00.005-06:00

Warning: This post is sexually explicit. If you're offended by sexual details, hit your back button. If you're under 18, go watch this video of kittens frolicking instead.

Last night I got dominated for the first time in a while. It was oh so nice. It wasn't that we hadn't wanted to do D/s (or at least on my part!). We'd been busy with a newborn, what can I say?

After giving birth, you're supposed to wait 6 weeks to have sex. Even now though, I'm still too sore down there to consider having actual sex. My Dom has been very patient and understanding, but I know it's been a while and it's hard on him.

Last night around 4 am we were up feeding the baby. Well, I was feeding the baby and he was sitting with me. We were watching more Scrubs to keep ourselves awake. I was feeling oddly cuddly and needy, which is rare for me and he loves when it happens. I kept wanting to hold his hand and tell him I'd missed him lately. We'd barely gotten to see each other the night before; he got home from work at 5:30 and my parents came over for dinner and then I went to bed, a tired mommy.

When we got into bed, we cuddled and I could tell he was hard. But this has been a more common occurence lately ;) so I just ignored it and assumed we were going to fall asleep. In fact, I was burrowing happily into my warm pillow with just that goal in mind when he leaned forward and whispered throatily in my ear, "I want you to suck my cock."

It made me shiver. It had been so long since he'd dominated me...

But I wasn't sure if this was a "Do this now" command or just a "I want this but we're going to bed so I just thought I'd let you know so you feel wanted." So I waited.

He whispered, "Do you understand?"

I'm trying to work on being more submissive, you know. Not needing to fight him every step of the way. So I chose not to fight and I just nodded. Shivered and nodded. And waited. What was he going to do?

"I want you to suck my cock," he repeated in a low voice. "You're going to come over here, and suck my cock, and act like you like it." Another pause. "Do you understand?"

I swallowed hard. Nodded again.

He whispered in my ear, "I'm going to get ready. You take off your shirt and then come over here."

A whimper of protest from me. Okay, so this was a tiny bit of a test. I didn't want to give in too easily. He likes me when I'm fiesty. *wink*

His voice was low and rough in my ear. "Do you understand?"

I nodded. Swallowed. Whispered, "Yes."

It was so nice to have this happening again. To be told what to do. To give in to the submissive feeling. To do it.

I obeyed him. I rolled over, took my shirt off, and placed it by my pillow because I knew I'd be cold later. He pulled off his pants. I lowered my head, kissed his thigh, kissed his stomach. I took him in my mouth. I was gratified to hear him moan and enjoy it more than he normally does, no doubt because it has been so long for us. I tried to remember to run my hands up and down his thighs, stoke him, and squeeze his butt, to provide extra stimulation, because I enjoy the touching aspect of sex and so I hoped he would, too.

Eventually, I stopped. "My mouth hurts," I explained. Sometimes my jaw gets sore and starts to pop at night, and that seemed to be happening now.

He could have forced me to go on, but he didn't. But he did roll me over on my back and squeeze my breasts and kiss and lick them.

My whole body tensed up.

"What's wrong?" he whispered.

I didn't answer.

"Does it hurt?"

I shuddered. "No," I explained with my eyes shut tight. "It just feels weird... because of the baby." I hadn't been touched sexually in so long. It felt strange to have my nipples sucked by someone other than our infant. For the last several weeks, she's been the only one whose mouth has been there. My breasts didn't feel sexual anymore. I was having a hard time transitioning back to "sexual touch" from "nursing, mothering" touch in my brain.

He grabbed me. Slapped me a little. It hurt. I gasped.

"I'm taking them back now," he said. "For now. Do you understand?"

It was so sexy. I could only nod. He touched me with his hands, his face, his tongue, his mouth. He roughly pushed me down onto the bed, he grabbed my hands and pinned them above my head, he was rough with me. I liked it. Even when I didn't.

And it was oh, so relaxing. I felt calm and at peace. I felt great anticipation, as I waited to see what he would do.

He commanded me forcefully to put my hands above my head. "Above your head!" he commanded again. I hastened to obey. My breath came in short gasps. I felt turned on for the first time in a long time. He used my breasts until he came.

I reached up to grab his head and hold him. He normally likes that.

"Above your head!" he repeated. I quickly obeyed. I hadn't meant to disobey him; I'd thought he was finished.

He waited to see if I'd done as he commanded. Then he relented, saying, "Now you can hug me." Being forced to wait made it seem even more special, like hugging him was a privelege I'd earned.

We held each other. We laughed and discussed how great it had been. I felt happy to have made him so happy, and relaxed because I'd been dominated.

We cleaned up and climbed back into bed. I snuggled into him as tight as I could, feeling closer to him than I had in a long time. "I just want to burrow into you!" I said. He laughed and burrowed his head into my neck. He kissed the back of my neck and briefly rubbed my back.

"I feel nice," I murmured.

"You do feel nice."

"No," I laughed, "I mean... I feel good."

He laughed and nuzzled me. "Good."

As we drifted to sleep, I murmured, "Thank you."

I thought he might already be asleep, but he answered against the back of my neck. "For what?"

"For dominating me," I whispered sleepily.

He chuckled and hugged me tighter.

"You're welcome."

Qualities of My Dom

2011-11-08T18:15:00.001-06:00

What things does my Dom do that make him seem manly, dominating, self-assured, confident, and awe-inspiring to me?

He enjoys my pain.

He bites me in the shower, then laughs and shampoos my hair for me.

He gives me a back massage and then pulls my hair a little.

He holds me when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious.

He holds me down and wrestles me, then laughs and lets me up.

He threatens to cause a scene at church if I don't straighten up and put my head covering on.

He stands up to my mother.

He loves my mother and jokes with her and gives her hugs.

He feels defensive of me when his mother upsets me.

He reminds me to be more forgiving.

He works hard so he can provide for us and do well at his job.

He opens my car doors for me, even before he puts the baby in her seat.

He texts me to check up on me.

He punishes me when I've misbehaved.

He tells me what to do, calmly and simply.

LOL: Love Our Lurkers Day!

2011-11-08T17:57:00.003-06:00

LOL stands for Love Our Lurkers.

This is a tradition started by Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts. I got the idea from Mick at Husbandly Touch. It’s the bloggers' day to especially invite those of you who have been reading my blog but have not commented before.

Sometimes I read people's blogs and don't comment on every post, but I do always comment on one of their posts at some point. That's because as a writer, I understand how discouraging it can get to have two or three comments on a post. Maybe hundreds of people have read it, but maybe only those two or three people. It's a bit depressing.

Even if I don't have much to say to a fellow blogger, I just try to say hello and that I liked the post, or lol, or "Yes, I identify with that!", or something. Something so the people know I'm reading and participating. Something to encourage them to keep reading.

If you’ve been lurking, would you consider leaving a comment to let me know you’re there? You don’t have to say much or anything clever. Just a "hi, I do read your blog" would be nice! If you want to remain anonymous, that is totally fine.

Hope to hear from you!

When I First Knew He Might Be Dominate

2011-11-07T18:22:00.002-06:00

When did I first realize that my Dom might be a dominant man?

Actually, I didn't realize it consciously at first. I had never heard of BDSM or D/s or spanking relationships. But I think, now that I know those lifestyles and have had years to explore this side of myself, that I can look back at past boyfriends and see who had those qualities and who did not. Even before I understood what I wanted or even realized I wanted it, I was either drawn or repelled by some men's qualities.

At first, I was drawn to passive men because I was afraid too much conflict would make me end up divorced and unhappy like my parents. Looking back, the boys I dated were passive-aggressive and manipulative.

After a few years of that, I started avoiding the passive aggressive men and went for the "safe" passive guys. You know the type: the "nice guys." They were nice to me and good friends, but my relationships never had much spark. We spent a lot of time fighting because I couldn't respect them, and that in turn made me turn to disrespect and nagging.

Eventually, I dated a man who was the opposite of all that. He wasn't passive or passive-aggressive; he welcomed conflict and rushed right into it. I fell in love with his strength, his power, and his masculinity. Even though he was jealous and possessive, I was tired of being with men who weren't really men, and I looked at his possessiveness as proof that he loved me. Even when he was controlling, I saw it as strength. It was a welcome change from the wusses I'd experienced. However, this man had strength without controlling it. Eventually, his temper and need for control became clear for what they were. Yes, I was allowed to be the woman, I was protected and provided for and fiercely defended, but I was also treated as an inferior, yelled at, and controlled. Thankfully, I left.

Luckily, soon after that I met my future Dom and husband. I still wanted a man who was strong and masculine, but now I was wiser and knew to look for other things, like a man who could control his temper, who would protect me but not control me, or who would control me when it was for my good but not because he was insecure or unstable. I also wanted someone who could fight for me when needed, but could control his temper and not let constant fighting destroy our relationship. I wanted someone who would protect me, but also treat me with respect and value my thoughts and opinions.

Looking back, there were clues my Dom might be leaning toward D/s even before either of us knew what that term meant. He'd just gotten out of a bad relationship where there was no communication and the woman didn't respect him or share her thoughts and feelings. He decided he wanted someone more emotional and creative than she had been, but he also wanted someone who would let him lead and ultimately wanted a male-led relationship.

When did I realize he might be dominate?

When we were first dating, we had only kissed once or twice when I went to his house to visit him. When I left, he pushed me up against the door and kissed me goodbye. I liked it. :)

A few days later, I was kissing him goodbye at my car when he asked me to stay longer. I hesitated, but then said sure. Without a word, he swooped me up in his arms and ran with me to his backyard, where he pushed me down on the table and we had some more nice kissing before I went home.

When we finally started dating seriously and the kissing went from pecks to more intense, he liked to tug on my hair. It never really hurt, but to my surprise I liked it. Once, he stopped kissing me, grabbed me by the roots of my hair, held me inches from his face, and challenged me, "Why aren't you kissing me?!" I strained to reach his lips, but he held me firm by my hair and I couldn't reach him until he allowed me to. For some reason, I thought that was surprising but really sexy.

He took risks with me, too. Little things, like asking me on dates instead of expecting me to initiate things. On our second date, he filled an ice chest with my favorite ice cream toppings and surprised me with an ice-cream-sundae picnic at the park. He held my hand first and he kissed me first. He also initiated the talks about our relationship, like telling me when he wanted us to date exclusively or bringing along a book of conversation starters to one of our dates. I appreciated that he was confident enough to put himself out there and take risks in our relationship; it allowed me to be the woman and feel pursued, and showed that he was willing to initiate and lead the relationship.

Eventually, I realized that I had a guy who, although he was very nice and normal in most circumstances, would surprise me with something kind of kinky, like pulling my hair or talking dirty to me, every once in a while. When we made out, he tended to be aggressive and I tended to lie back and enjoy it. He told me later that when he pushed me up against the door, he could tell I responded to it, and felt encouraged to continue with his natural desires. He had never explored them before or really been interested in dominating a woman, but just little things like he tried with me seemed to please both of us, so he kept doing them.

Unlike me, he'd never been interested in being kinky or D/s before he met me. I'd had those desires, but without realizing what they were, since I was a teenager, but for him they were new. He was 27 and when he decided to try tiny things like pulling my hair or pushing me against a door to kiss me, he realized that he liked them and I responded to them. So he kept doing them.

Eventually, I started doing research on the internet to find out if we were some sort of freaks, and I discovered that there was an entire community who did what we did, but WAY more! I was so happy and relieved that we were normal, and that now I had more things to explore and learn, and deeper to go than I'd even realized. So I started this blog to share my journey and knowlege, and here I am today, 3 years later.

Those are the tiny clues that made me realize my then-boyfriend might be a tiny bit dominate. :)

My Submission Flows from His Dominance

2011-11-06T18:11:00.002-06:00

Lil over at Submissive Sanctuary wrote a post on how D/s connects with love. While I like that topic, the part of her post that resonated with me was actually about how her style of submission often follows a display of dominance by her Alpha, rather than the reverse.

Here's what Lil wrote:

Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance. Being picky with submission doesn't work.
That's not what it's about. If He was how I wanted Him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all.

My Dom has sometimes complained that I treat TTWD as a fix. I've admitted before that subspace feels a lot like being high. It's a great feeling! Who wouldn't want to re-create it? In subspace, I feel more submissive, I feel more loving toward my Dom, he looks manlier and hotter to me, I respect him more, and we have great, mind-blowing sex. And I mean actually mentally mind-blowing, the kind that is not just physically feels good but deeply mental and therefore much, much more meaningful and sexual to me. So yes, of course I am like an addict chasing that high. And when I don't get it, I can get grumpy. I complain and nag. I blame him for "not dominating me enough."

At least, I used to do those things. I flatter myself that over the last couple of months I've realized this bad behavior of mine and come a long way toward fixing it. I've started submitting to him not just when I feel like it, but because it's the biblical thing to do or because he wants it. I've stopped nagging and complaining and try to verbalize my complaints in a more positive, less derogatory way. All those blogs I read on submission are not completely lost on me; I've learned from them. :)

Am I completely cured of my nagginess? No. But I have improved a lot.

Like Lil, my Dom has commented before that sometimes I want D/s the way I picture it, when I want it, and how I want it.

This is true on some level and not on another. Let me explain.

Yes, I want D/s the way I want it. Like an addict chasing her next high, I adore that feeling of subbiness that he can make me feel when he gives me rules and structure, when he is stern with me, or when he makes me follow a rule even when I complain and protest. I think it's unbearably sexy when he overpowers me, not necessarily physically but mentally and emotionally. I'm very stubborn, and when he can prove that he's more stubborn than me and his word is law, I respond by becoming more maleable and submissive. The problem is that this is my idea of submission and Dominance. His idea is a lot less based on rules and coercion and displays of strength. His style of leadership is, in his words, to "empower" others. (I'm not always sure what he means.) I think he would prefer to point me in the direction I should go, and just have me go there. To me, that is not really D/s, but I understand it's a valid but just different idea of D/s than mine.

But no, I don't always want D/s just the way I insist on it being. I find it very sexy when he does what he wants with me, if I'm in the right mood. If I'm not in the right mood, unwanted sexual advances make me feel panicky and withdrawn, and unwanted directives and command make me feel petulant and fiesty. But in the right mood, I love him having his way with me. It's sexy to be used by him for his pleasure, whether it's making him dinner or doing a chore he set up for me or letting him have his way with me.

That can be difficult for him and for me because it's hard for me to tell him which mood I'm in and it's hard for him to guess. For one, sometimes I don't always know. Sometimes I want both at once; part of me wants him to boss me around, punish me, and overpower me, and part of me yells at him that he's a jerk and he's unfair and who does he think he is, anyway? It's confusing for me, let alone him. And sometimes I do know exactly what I want but it ruins it to tell him. "Hey, could you please pretend to get mad at me for breaking this rule, and give me a long lecture, then force me over your knee and spank me and tell me what a bad girl I've been?" Nooooot sexy. I can't say, "Hey, please overpower me and force me" because then he isn't forcing me, he's doing what I want. I can't say, "Be really strict with me and punish me" because then the punishment and the strictness aren't real. I'm not interested in playing sexual "games" where he's the principal and I'm the school girl. I don't want to play games at all. I want it to be real, which means the dominance must come from him and it cannot be because I've requested it and said exactly how I want him to be. I want him to dominate me completely on his own, because he wants to use me or punish me, not because he is pretending to want to in order to make me happy.

Sometimes I test or struggle against him precisely because I want to know, Is this real? I'm not trying to create drama or conflict; I'm worried that I'll actually get what I want and before I trust it and get all happy and rejoice that he's the man I always wanted him to be, I want to make sure it's real. Is he doing this because he wants to or because he's just playing along to make me happy? And even if he wants to, is this just a fun, kinky game he's playing lightly to enjoy every few months, or does he want to increase our level of D/s to be more controlled and more strict all the time? These are things I need to know before I feel it's "safe" to let go and surrender completely.

Why I am afraid to surrender completely? Because I'm afraid of who I am when I'm that submissive. I do and say things totally unlike myself. I feel out of control, I feel high, I feel emotionally vulnerable, I feel completely his. I love that feeling, but before I give in to it I want to make sure that he is ready for that commitment, that he wants it, that he will still want it in 4 days and 5 weeks and 5 months, that he is prepared to do the work and put forth the effort to be in charge of a headstrong and fiery woman for good.

And often, it seems he starts out well, but then he gets busy at work or something... and it falls away. And he gets less consistent and less bossy and less controlling and less sexual. And then I'm left feeling hurt and vulnerable that I let myself open up to that scary part of myself, and I trusted him to control me forever, and he just used it as a short-term hobby until his life got too busy and then he went back to being more vanilla and wanting me to take care of myself.

It scares me.

And also it makes me angry and resentful because I don't get my "fix."

This is why, like Lil said in her post, I want his Dominance to come first and to inspire my submission.... not the other way around.

Do I realize he can't always be in charge of the D/s? Yes. That I have to put in work, too? That sometimes I have to give in even when I don't want to? That my submission can't always just be a reflection of his dominance? Yes.

But I wish it could.

Why are you here if you don't want to be here?

2011-11-05T14:51:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been watching a lot of Scrubs. That show is so funny! I don't know why I never got into that much before. Some of my favorite lines:

Janitor: You don't think there's kids whose goal in life is to make the world sparkle?

Todd: dum-da-dum-dum, Shiny Scapel! dum-da-da-dum, gonna cut him up!

J.D.: We were so close. In college, we shared a toothbrush. Turk: I was not aware of that. J.D.: We did.

I digress.

You know in that show, the characters of Perry and Jordan? They are married, but they seem to hate each other. They are never nice to each other. They constantly belittle and insult each other. She likes to make him feel like a wuss and he likes to compare her to Satan. And I wonder, even if it's just playful banter, do couples like that even like each other? And if not, why are they together?

Most bloggers seem to really like their spouses. It's refreshing to read about women who respect and like their husbands, and husbands who seem to adore and spoil their wives. You get the sense that these two people actually like each other. Their kids are lucky to see that in their homes every day.

Some people in this lifestyle don't seem to like or love their Masters. They complain about them, call them an "asshole", or talk about how demanding and jerk-ish they are.

Sure, I get that in any relationship we have fights and times when we don't like each other as much. But if you have no respect or like for someone, why are you with him?

And what can we do to keep the like, respect, and love alive even when it's hard?

D/s or just a good husband?

2011-11-04T14:37:00.002-05:00

A lot of what makes my Dom a "good husband" is that he takes care of me.

He takes care of real life things so that I don't have to be stressed out by them. I'm the flighty, creative, emotional one, and he's the down-to-earth one that takes care of what needs to be done. We both bring different strengths to this relationship.

I'm lucky that he takes care of me. When I was single I took care of the car and the little box and getting bills paid, but I'm airheaded and forgetful about them and frankly, they can stress me out. With him in my life, I can let him worry about the details and spend my time with my head in the clouds, or singing, or researching, or being my emotional self.

What things does my Dom take care of?

Finances. We make the budget together and talk about big purchases, and I have my own credit card that I pay off each month, but he keeps track of most of the bills and makes sure they are paid. House, rent, mortgage, car payments, insurance, his credit card, utilities, trash, and water--he pays all of them. The only two things I'm in charge of paying are my own credit card bill and our tithe. He does this because he is less forgetful about these things and he doesn't want me to have to stress about when and where to pay things.

Cars. He takes care of everything with our cars: he keeps them both filled with gas (aside from the rare instance I run out when he's not around) and remembers things that never occur to me, like changing the oil and getting the license plates registered.

Litter boxes. He isn't very good at remembering to do this, but once I remind him a few times, he cleans the litter boxes and refills them. I haven't had to clean a litter box in years.

Trash. He takes out the trash and recycling and hauls the trash bins back in once the trash has been collected.

Mowing. Small details like how overgrown our yard is getting completely escape me. He likes mowing, so he gets the gas for the mower, pays attention to when we're becoming an embarrassment to our neighbors, and happily mows away with his iPod and his pipe.

Putting away laundry. I'm the one who gets the laundry into the washer and through the dryer, but then it sits there. And sits there. And sits there. So once I've washed it, he folds it and puts it away, or else it sits in a clean pile for 3 to 4 weeks.

Big decisions. We talk about big decisions, I worry myself sick over them, and then he makes them. Our last car, we talked about several options we were both okay with, and when one came open he bought it without even asking me so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Sometimes I am not happy with his decisions (like moving here a few months ago) and I get bitter and resentful, but I do appreciate it that he tries to be a leader and keep me from worrying about them by just making them for us.

When I worry that he "isn't dominating enough" or some such thing, his answer is always, "But I take care of you." This is undeniably true, but I think it's possible for a man to take care of a woman without it being D/s. Sure, it's male-led, but that doesn't necessarily also imply that he dominates me or that I submit to him. It means he's a good, nice husband for sure though!

Sex talk or no sex talk?

2011-11-01T12:16:00.003-05:00

Some bloggers have mentioned an important topic: do we blog about sex or not? Two recent posts on this topic are by Conina ("On Why I Blog") and Grace ("Intimate Details").

The trend I've noticed is that BDSM blogs have a lot of sex details. It's heavy on what happened and how it happened. On the other hand, DD blogs often skip the intimacy. They talk about punishments and spankings and submission, but don't usually go into detail about the sex.

Of course, each blogger should only share the sexual details he or she wants to. But as a blogger, even if I'm comfortable sharing those sexual details, I have to wonder: will my sharing be offputting to some of my more conservative readers? Will I lose readers if I share too much?

Since I've also blogged about my stance against pornography in my post Porn and the Christian BDSMer, I also worry if, by sharing the dirty details, I'll just gain readers who only read my stories for the sexual titillation. I'm not sure if there's really a moral difference between erotica and porn-- isn't it possible that erotica is just written pornography? It's something I wrestle with.

On the other hand, I feel it's dishonest of me to pretend like punishments aren't erotic for me. Usually, unless I really, really hate one, they are erotic. D/s has definitely helped our sex life, giving it more of a "spark" and making me more interested in sex. This is because, through D/s, I see my husband as more masculine and strong. When we started D/s, I noticed I was much more sexually attracted to him. Suddenly it didn't matter so much what he looked like or that he'd gained 15 pounds and had lost those muscular arms I loved so much when we started dating; I wanted him because he was strong and awe-inspiring! He seemed like such a man to me.

Are there punishments that I hate? Yep. However, there are also punishments that I love. I've gotten aroused and even had orgasms just by being lectured and punished by him. I can't explain why it has that effect on me, but it does.

Still, I was sort of "in the closet" about that. I got the feeling that it was okay to talk about submission and spankings, but not coming or having my nipples pinched. It was okay to talk about crying through a punishment, but not squirting because of one. Spanking and lectures were seen as "okay punishments," but being forced to give him head or submit sexually were "not okay" punishments.

Well, I guess I'm coming out of the proverbial closet. If hearing about my sexual exploits makes my readers uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I'll try not to get too hot n' heavy on the details so I don't offend anyone. I also don't want this to become a place where internet creepers come to get their rocks off on written porn. But I do want to say that sex is part of my punishment dynamic with my husband, a very big part actually, and it's silly for me to feel ashamed of that just because other bloggers keep sex and punishment completely separate. In fact, when I first read about CDD, a big part of the draw was because the stories turned me on mentally in a way I'd not felt for years. The punishment-eroticism was very appealing to me.

Besides, one of my favorite things to do with my girl friends? Talk about sex. It's a rare and precious friendship where you can just talk unashamedly with your friends about your sex lives. It's a way to get things off your chest, discuss your worries and fears, learn from other people, and share part of yourself.

I think that's a good thing to do on my blog.

Want to read more on this topic? Read Bethany's article, Spanking in Relationships, to find out what she thinks of as a mixture between sexuality and spanking in CDD and DD relationships.

Mick's Blog and My Submission

2011-10-30T15:55:00.002-05:00

In his post Spanking Made Us Grow Up, DD blogger Mick said these astounding words:

I expected her to do it on her own without my insistence. I didn’t want to
force her to take part in our marriage. I wanted her to be willing enough to do
it on her own. If she didn’t do it on her own, that meant she didn’t really love
me.

I resented this for a lot of years.

I stopped being
angry when I realized she was doing the best she could.

It took me a
long time to realize she really did need me to take charge. It wasn’t that she
didn’t love me; it was that she couldn’t be who she wanted to be without my
guidance.

I don’t know if she was conscious of it or not, but she
was waiting for me to step up and insist on her respect, on her learning how to
do her work, and on her trying hard to be who she was meant to be.

This post really resounded with me because my husband and I struggled with the same thing. When we first started doing DD for real (a few years ago we tried it but I got scared and bailed after 3 days), it caused a lot more fights for us. He was angry because he said I was acting more childish and rebellious than ever. I was angry because he wasn't forcing me to submit or demanding my respect.

I'd never thought about what Mick said, which is that maybe sometimes we women truly want to do great things in our lives, but we need guidance and leadership to get us there.

Oh, I can take care of myself. I did it for years without my husband when I was single. I had a job and apartment, my bills were paid, and my life was good. I didn't sit at home waiting for a man to come rescue me.

But it's just so much easier when a man is there to help me along the road. I can give some of the responsibility to him. It's a big sigh of relief to not feel my entire spiritual, emotional, and physical wellbeing is completely on my tired shoulders.

On the other hand, it was a lot more work for him. He felt like he had to be in charge of when I ate, how healthy I was, and how submissive I was. He said it was like having a child. Why couldn't I just be responsible for reading my Bible myself, he wanted to know? Why can't you just make sure you eat regularly and healthy on your own?

Well, my answer to that was: Biblically, it's not my job!

Sure, I can help, but the ultimate responsibility is his.

On the other hand, the same biblical passage says I am to submit "in everything."

Ouch.

So then it's my job to do everything right, and his to make sure it's done right.

It was a tall order for both of us.

We're still figuring it out, actually. :)

Labels: Am I DD or D/s?

2011-10-28T15:37:00.003-05:00

Labels are good because they help us define what we are and what we are not.

But sometimes we get carried away with labels.

For instance, on this blog, should I call my husband my Dom or my HoH? Or even my Master or my Daddy? Some of these labels are ones that those in the BDSM scene will identify with and some are used more by those in DD, although I do see some crossover.

All four terms could apply to him at different times in our relationship. So I generally just call him my Dom, because that's what I started calling him when I started this blog.

Of course, when I started this blog I thought we were into BDSM. Now online BDSM forums have led me to discover that we are actually more similar to CDD or Taken in Hand.

I try to keep one foot in both communities.

No, you won't find me at a munch or wearing a black leather bustier at a local dungeon. On the other hand, most of my punishments aren't OTK and I don't have a list of rules like many DD couples do.

As this post aptly pointed out, BDSM and CDD and DD and Taken in Hand don't have to be seen as completely separate lifestyles. There is actually quite a bit of overlap.

Punishments and spanking... total power exchange... male-led relationships... there's not a huge difference between being a "Christian kinkster" and being in a "domestic discipline" relationship. They both share these common characteristics.

I worry about other people getting caught up in the labels, though. Will people from both communities judge me? Will BDSM writers dismiss my blog because I'm Christian, monogamous, and against activities like pornography, sex work, public play, homosexuality, and polyamory? These things are sometimes seen as basic parts of BDSM. On the other hand, will DD bloggers be turned off from my site because I use terms like FetLife, Dom, and nipple torture? I worry about how to straddle that line.

I wonder sometimes if my Dom and I are D/s (Dominant/submissive, which is a BDSM term) or CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline, which is a DD term). I often follow DD blogs and comment more on those kind of blogs, because I connect more with a community that is mostly married, monogamous, and often Christian. On the other hand, I hesitate to distance myself completely from BDSM because that's where my husband and I started our journey into power exchange. We actually don't use spankings that much and we still like to use bondage, punishments, and nipple torture.

Does that mean I can't be part of the DD community?

I hope not.

Other Bloggers: We're All in This Together

2011-10-27T15:17:00.004-05:00

It's easy when I'm reading about other people's DD and D/s marriages to feel like their lives must be perfect and my marriage isn't up to par. I know it isn't true, but it's easy to romanticize other people's marriages.

For instance, Spanked Army Wife just wrote about how her husband found out she was playing in the snow when she was sick and is going to spank her for it. He texted her and made her go home right away, telling her she knew better than to play in the snow when she was already sick. And Rogue Bambi at Past the Hurt has been writing lately about how she and Wonderboy are getting into newer and sexier elements of D/s and power exchange. Just in the few months I've been reading her blog, she and her husband have progressed from a couple skirting around the edges of D/s to a very confident power-exchange dynamic.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

Not because I don't have my own power exchange dynamic that works for us. But of course, what my Dom and I are building together does not look like what I pictured when I first read all the stories of sexy, powerful men and meek, submissive women at Christian Domestic Discipline and Christian DD.

Every couple is different. I envy Mick his easy leadership style that comes across in his writing; I envy Stormy her husband's awesome resolve and ability to be firm, consistent, and insistent about their DD lifestyle. I envy Sara and Grant their longevity and the obvious respect they have for each other due to their years of experience in this lifestyle.

That doesn't mean I think these people don't have real marriages with real struggles. I see how Mick sometimes feels hurt by his wife, or how Stormy struggles with embracing her husband's style of discipline at times. I know Rogue Bambi and her husband are struggling with infertility and that puts a strain on their marriage. No one of us in this lifestyle has a perfect, storybook marriage. We're real people with real problems.

When I first found CDD, I thought for sure I wanted it. I romanticized the rules and regulations. I thought the stories about spankings by strong, confident Christian men were unbearably sexy. I wanted my husband to be those men overnight and gently lead me into being a submissive Christian woman.

Of course, if you've read my blog much, it didn't work that way. We had to carve our own story out of the stone, you see. You can't just take someone else's style and adopt it. You have to do the long, hard work of carving your own lifestyle out for yourselves. And the result won't look exactly like anybody else's.

I struggled a lot with issues, like my identity crisis as a feminist vs. submissive. My husband would be wonderfully strong and consistent one week and not the next. My visions of sexy spankings rarely came true; most of them time I hated them and felt angrier than ever afterward. I spent more, not less, time criticizing him for not being consistent enough. Then I got depressed and just gave up entirely. I made up rules for myself and then got depressed that he hadn't made them up for me and he wasn't enforcing them as strictly as I thought he should. He got angry that I was acting more rebellious and childish than I had before we started the power exchange.

It was hard, but it was worth it. My marriage, whether you call it D/s or DD or CDD, does not look exactly like Sara's or Kaya's or Bambi's or Stormy's or Mick's or Dauntless Vitality's or Dannah's or anyone else's. But it is similar enough to them that I enjoy reading these men and women's blogs and I feel a connection with these people, as though they are friends, maybe not in real life but in a sort of online community nonetheless.

We're friends, you see. I may not know your names or your faces, but I know something about your lives, and I connect to it. I appreciate the stories you tell and the lessons I learn from them. I want to support you and help you as best I can, by leaving supportive comments and praying for you when the need arises. I enjoy the relationships that develop in the comment boxes.

We're all in this together.

The Baby Has Arrived!

2011-10-24T15:26:00.002-05:00

The baby has finally arrived!!!

She is healthy and beautiful, just like we prayed for. She was just over 8 pounds and is 21 inches. So far, she is a very laid back and easygoing baby, although she eats constantly! :)

No-Contact Punishments

2011-10-23T12:18:00.003-05:00

I've been reading on FetLife about no-contact punishments.

I'm not sure I agree with that idea, and I'll tell you why.

A no-contact punishment is when a Dom decides that, for whatever reason, he (or she) will basically disappear from the sub's life as a consequence for bad behavior. For a set amount of days, there is no seeing each other, no phone calls, no emails, no texts, and no online chatting.

I'm sure it's an effective punishment. I can't really imagine anything worse than being completely ignored by the person you most love and trust in the world.

But I'm not sure it's healthy or productive.

To me, no-contact punishments smack of abusive behaviors, a type of silent treatment. The silent treatment, according to Dove Christian Counseling and Abuse 101, is still emotional abuse. Abuse 101 says:

The silent treatment...is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment
used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and
completely absent from the abuser's thoughts. It is used as a form of
non-physical punishment and control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if
they don't physically harm you then they are not abusers.

My Dom has never used this with me, and he really couldn't because we live together. No-contact punishments wouldn't really work for married couples because we're forced to see each other and at least be in the same house. Still, I know married couples who use the silent treatment (I used to and am still sometimes guilty of it) and it is abusive. Ignoring someone is the opposite of trying to live in peace and find reconciliation.

No-contact punishments, to me, are unhealthy ways to deal with a problem. Sure, it punishes the sub, but it also makes her feel ignored, unimportant, and makes her wallow in guilt. That can't be healthy for her psyche or the relationship.

No funishment for me

2011-10-20T10:50:00.002-05:00

I like the term "funishment."

This is a deragotory term some Doms and Masters in the blogging community use to refer to punishment that the sub actually finds sexy, fun, or pleasurable in some way.

Well, what can I say? Funishment is fun! I'd much rather have a sexy, erotic spanking than a not-sexy, not-erotic spanking. I don't like the spanking or the pain associated with spanking, but at least if I get something emotionally fulfilling (like subspace) or physically fulfilling (like sexual tension) out of the deal, I feel happier about the experience as a whole.

So several weeks ago I did something bad. I honestly can't even remember what it was--- I normally have a really good memory, so blame my pregnant brain. I think it was something to do with church; I remembered the head covering but didn't say anything or go get it to prove that he had, indeed, forgotten again, or something like that. We've been going around and around about that headcovering thing lately, actually. Once or twice I remembered and told him; he then claimed he would have remembered (HA!) and I sulked the rest of church... a few times I remembered and purposefuly did not mention it to prove that he would not remember it without being reminded (he didn't), once he had to threaten to make a big scene in church before I would put it on, and once we had a fight before church and I refused to speak or participate or sing for the first half hour of the service (mature, I know). So it was probably one of those times.

I don't even know why I make such a big deal about the headcovering thing. It doesn't even bother me, and I want to be more biblical in my life. I think it's more because this is an area I test him in, because I think he will forget and/or not enforce it if I don't take the lead on it, and I hate taking the lead on things.

But I digress.

Part of me (okay, most of me) was hoping he would do something sexy for my punishment, which he had done a lot of in the last few months. Not only does that make me feel actually more remorseful (it's easier to feel sad for hurting someone when you're feeling attracted to them and not spitting mad at them!) but it makes me feel more submissive and that lasts for several hours or days afterward. It's a really nice feeling.

And he came up with the most boring, un-sexy punishment EVER!!! I was horrified.

One, I have to wear the headcovering with my mother at church.

I was HORRIFIED. I am terrified my mother will find out about our male-led relationship and judge me for it. I've written before about how my mother the uber-feminist haunts my dreams as I question who I am in this submissive lifestyle. Although my mom lives in the same town as we do, we often go to church at different times, and in the past he had graciously allowed me to not wear the headcovering when she was with us because he knew it made me feel anxious and I worried nonstop about what she would think and what I would say if she asked why I was doing it. But now he wanted me to wear it once with her there, just to teach me a lesson!

Two, I have to volunteer to sing at church.

Ugh. I sing at church, and I'm a good singer, but I do not like to get up there in front of all those people and sing. I prefer to sit quietly with my family in the pews. I generally only consent to sing when one of the normal cantors is sick or gone and they ask me to as a favor. So he thought it would be good for me to volunteer my talents as a lesson.

Ugh, ugh, double ugh! Two things I hate: wearing that conspicuous headcovering in front of my mother, and singing in public!!!!! I whined a lot. Why couldn't he just torture my nipples or something sexy????

Nope, he said. He wasn't going to do some fun punishment for me to get off on the idea of it. This was real.

I sulked for a couple of weeks. He totally forgot about the punishment. (ha!)

I mentioned it once to see if I still had to. Yes, he said.

I was quiet as a mouse on the subject for a few more weeks.

Last Sunday, as we headed to church, I got a text from my mom. "R u coming?"

"I guess she's there today," I said. I texted her back and said we were on our way. My Dom said quietly, "I guess this is a good time to wear that headcovering then."

I looked at him in horror, and I asked several times if he would please let me off the hook since it was so long ago and neither of us remember exactly what I did, but he said no and I didn't really push it. I wore the scarf. My mother had to have noticed, but she did not mention it or ask me about it. She acted like she didn't see it. Maybe she chalks it up to us being "crazy conservatives" or something like that, who knows?

I'm still balking on volunteering to sing. But I know he's probably going to make me do it soon. Because he mentioned it again this week.

Sigh.

"Funishment" was so much more fun.

The Good that Came from my D/s

2011-10-19T14:03:00.003-05:00

At first, my Dom and I were doing D/s because we liked it.

Mostly, because I liked the sound of the lifestyle and wanted something similar to what I read about. I was afraid of it and drawn to it at the same time. But in the end, we did it "just because." Because we wanted to. Because we liked it. Because it was one way we could fulfill Ephesians 5. Because he wanted a male-led relationship and I wanted to be conquered.

But this month, it has been proved to me that maybe we needed D/s. When a crisis happened, we already had the framework in place for him to lead me and for me to follow.

What crisis?

I've mentioned before that I've struggled with anxiety and depression in my past. Generally, these days it's managable and I know the symptoms and coping mechanisms. I also know where to go for help and what medications work for me and the many, many medications I've tried that do not work for me.

But earlier this month, I had a really bad time. My anxiety disorder reared its head without warning and made my life--and our lives--miserable.

I started having debilitating panic attacks. When I slept, it was filled with nightmares so terrible I'd wake up shivering and shaking for the next 2 hours. The nightmares got so horrible that I started being afraid to fall asleep. I started keeping myself awake. I got sleep deprived. This made me more emotional and less able to be rational about the anxiety I was having. I stopped eating. Food tasted like sawdust. I forced myself to eat, bite by painful bite, because I needed the nutrition for the baby, but I could barely make myself eat a few bites. I got so afraid of the panic attacks and nightmares I was having at night, that simply seeing the daylight turn to afternoon and then dusk made me start having panic attacks. At night, I stayed awake with the lights on and tv blaring to try to trick my brain into thinking "it's not night" and to get an hour of sleep. Still, I was only getting 1-2 hours a night. I got so sleep deprived that I got incoherent. I couldn't remember which medications I'd taken. I couldn't remember which name of a medication meant what. I can remember staring at a handful of 8 pills, not sure which ones were which, not sure if I'd taken any yet or if these were even the right ones, and asking my mother, "Are these the right pills?!!?" For a few days, I took pills only when given to me by someone else to make sure I wasn't accidentally overdosing myself. My parents, who are divorced and don't particularly like each other, both stayed over at our house for 2-3 nights. They sat in bed with me and my husband, all three of them watching helplessly and trying to console me, as I shook uncontrollably and rambled on about all the terrible things that I was terrified would happen. I had a feeling of dread racing through my body so badly that my feet cramped up and I felt sick to my stomach. My parents and husband took 3-hour shifts all night to stay up with me and hold my hand while I shook in terror or tried to sleep only to fight it off again. My husband forced me to take an Ambien and held me down in the bed while I tried to get up in my terror, until finally the drug took effect and I fell into a medication-induced sleep. My terror and panic would go away for a few hours during the afternoon, only to come back at night so badly that all I could do was pray aloud in snatches.

In other words, it was very, very bad.

When I was unable to function for a few days, D/s was not kinky or sexy or fun. It was simply the way things were. My Dom made decisions for me because I could not make them for myself. I was too scared to make decisions. I leaned on him to make every decision for me and for us, big or small. What did I want to eat? I didn't know. I didn't want anything. I would look to my Dom and he would tell the person what to bring me to eat. Should I take a pill and get some sleep? Every bone in my body screamed "No!", but it was my Dom who fed it to me anyway, me crying and begging him not to, and then pushed me down onto the bed until I finally, finally fell asleep. Are you guys staying for dinner? I felt guilty and like I should, but I didn't want to. It was my Dom who said No, I am taking her home and she's going to rest. It offended some family members who were visiting, but he did it anyway.

Should I make an appointment with a counselor? Was the baby going to die in her sleep? Am I going crazy? What should I wear? Big and small, he answered these questions for me when I was simply too stressed and exhausted to answer them myself. I didn't have the energy to deal with making decisions.

If we hadn't worked hard at implementing D/s for years before this, I couldn't have trusted him to make those decisions for me. It would have made a terrible week that much more terrible. But I've had practice giving in to him and leaning on him. I was able to let him make decisions for us in that time. I honestly believe it is (one reason at least) why God led us to D/s in the first place.

Finally, with prayer and time, I managed to get some sleep. Panic subsided into mere anxiety. I'm still anxious. I'm talking to my doctor about it, and planning to start counseling, to help me deal with it productively. Most days I feel fine. When I do feel anxious, I can handle it now. I'm going to be okay.

But I'm thankful we had D/s. So that when something bad happened, the framework was already in place for him to step up and lead our family.

How Does He Decide?!

2011-10-11T13:54:00.000-05:00

How on earth does this man decide what he wants to be dominant about?!

I am just flabbergasted.

His ways are not my ways, and his thoughts not my thoughts, that's for sure! Sometimes it makes me laugh. Sometimes it just makes me furrow my brow.

Things that I would place in prime importance for our lives if I were the Dom, for instance, don't even make his radar. Things like keeping the house clean. Things like paying better attention in church or doing my daily Bible study. You know, umimportant things like the salvation of my eternal soul.

He doesn't really make rules about those. He does, however, make rules about my makeup.

That's right. My makeup.

Apparently he noticed in the shower that I had "goop" in my eyes from not washing my face after I'd worn mascara. He was both entranced and disgusted. Then he made a new rule.

Wash your face every day before bed.

I mean, really?!

I have good hygiene. I take showers and my face gets washed during them. In the mornings.

Now apparently that is not enough. It makes me laugh. Unless I'm tired and cranky and ready to fall into bed and he tries to make me crawl back out to get all wet and uncomfortable and rub my skin raw.

Eternal salvation? Not so much.

Goop in eyes?

Unacceptable!!

Carry Your Cross

2011-10-07T13:43:00.000-05:00

"Take up your cross and follow me," said Jesus (Luke 9:23).

We all have different crosses to bear. Sickness, heartache, money woes, family troubles, divorce, abuse, the list goes on. We all have them.

Sometimes I feel guilty when my cross is different than someone else's. I read online about people struggling with their own crosses. These are people I don't know, but often people I still care about. I read about their lives and stories, often stories more intimate than I would even hear about my closest friends, online and I keep up with them. I chat with my Dom about them. I am interested to hear the next installment.

It makes me feel strangely guilty when my cross seems to be what someone else is longing for.

I long for my husband to be more dominating, but another woman struggles to submit to her husband's demands. I read about people whose Doms or Masters have asked for polygamy and the subs are left heartbroken and sad, while I have a Dom who is completely against any kind of emotional or physical boundary crossing of any kind. I whine and whine about how miserable I am to be pregnant, huge, aching, not sleeping, and dreading labor, while other women write posts on BabyCenter about how they long for pregnancy and struggle with infertility. I lay about the house like a beached whale, crying about how my back hurts and I'm afraid to go into labor and how miserable and sick I am. And then I feel guilty because these women would give anything to be in my shoes. I worry and worry about money but I read about those who have far less. I complain about my job but hear about those who'd trade anything for a chance to work in these hard economic times.

I've finally decided I can't feel guilty. (I still do, a little). My crosses to bear are my own. I feel bad for their crosses, and wish them well. I want these other people to be happy and their problems to be solved. I wish I could give the infertile woman her pregnancy, or the lonely woman her perfect Master, or the struggling woman a nice fat check.

We all have crosses to bear. Perhaps it helps to know that the grass is not, after all, always greener on the other side.

We'd all love to switch crosses. But luckily there is One who has already borne them all and can help us on our way. That's why I love the song Cry Out to Jesus, the part about "He'll meet you wherever you are." It's so true. I can't switch burdens with these other people, or get out from under my own, but it helps to know others are struggling, too, and we are all in this together. Even if our crosses are not exactly the same.

If the Woman Initiates...

2011-10-04T13:39:00.000-05:00

I've been reading on Taken in Hand and Christian Domestic Discipline websites about how often women find these sites and introduce D/s or DD to their husbands.

In many cases, it's even the majority.

My question is, if the woman initiates the relationship, does that mean it isn't actually being "taken in hand"? (Or at least at first?) Isn't it more like "asking to be taken in hand"?

Is that a good or a bad thing for the relationship to start like that? Can true control be achieved if the woman is always thinking that she had to be the initiator and pursuer of this relationship? Or can true control eventually be assumed by the man?

And what if she then revokes permission or changes her mind? What then?

Just something I'm thinking about.

How Abuse Affected Me

2011-09-30T13:22:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, my Dom is a little afraid to hurt me. To be mean to me. To demand submission when I honestly don't want to give it. Culturally charged words like rape and slavery make him cringe.

They used to make me cringe, too.

Pasts abuse made me fear giving up control. Sex was a weapon and men had the power. They could hurt you. They could use you, abandon you, lie to you. They could make you submit, promise you the world, and then tear your dreams of intimacy apart. I'd be left devestated and alone. I wasn't sure I could handle that, so I developed a fear of sex.

Not just all sex. Intimate sex. Mention intimacy and I'd shudder. I'd feel grossed out but couldn't explain why. No, thank you. Hurt me, use me, and I'll use you, but please don't try to be tender to me or look into my eyes or tell me you love me. Gross.

At the same time, I was also afraid of physical manifestations of power. I thought the male organ was gross and ugly. The penis was the enemy! I may not have said it, but I felt it. I acted like it. Because of penises, men did all sorts of awful things. I was not a fan. You might even say I was afraid of them.

Luckily, I met a few men who could control said male organs. Who seemed to actually put me first and their (or what my culture insisted was their) all-consuming need for constant sexual gratification second.

I was suspicious to say the least. Cosmo and tv and even FetLife told me all men were slaves to their sexual appetites. Magazines and tv told me that if men said they weren't looking at porn or masturbating or checking out other women, they were lying to you, simple as that. When such wholesome men came along, I thought I smelled a rat.

Eventually, I married one of those good, wholesome men. I was still pretty suspicious though. I just knew I was going to get used for sex, even if he never said it. I kept waiting for him to push me down and ravage me.

Now, I trust him a lot more. I've learned not all men are animals and I trust my Dom completely.

But sometimes it still makes him afraid to push me too far. Slavery.... consensual non-consent... rape.... coercion.... sexual submission. All these things are things we want and discuss, but he's afraid to go too far and damage me forever. Afraid because over the years I've insisted I could never want those things or trust someone enough to let them happen. Afraid because he's seen my eyes go vacant and my head go somewhere else, seen me roll over in bed shuddering and withdraw completely into myself and not talk to him, seen all the effects of abuse.

It happens less and less. But it's always a possibility. Abuse, like cancer or addiction, is something you can live with and get past, but will always be a part of who you are--- or at least who you were.

My abuse doesn't define who I am anymore. But it did shape who I was. And that affects who I am.

A survivor who is learning to trust someone who loves her very much.

Religiosity and Polygamy

2011-09-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

I think, after my last post on Monogamy, it's important to add that there are Christian kinksters who practice polygamy.

I wouldn't say most of them, but some do.

I think monogamy is the best reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church that marriages are supposed to emulate based on Ephesians 5:21-28. But I can also distinguish between anti-biblical (goes against explicit Biblical teachings) and extra-biblical (is not specifically mentioned in the Bible).

If you want to know what God thinks about gay sex (which is not the same as struggling with same-sex attraction) or premarital sex, it's in the Bible. There's no way to avoid that. But if you're wondering what He says about abortion or polygamy, it's not specifically mentioned. We must rely on the Bible's treatment of similar topics and how God wants us to live our lives in general to find the best path in those instances.

Personally, I think there's a strong Biblical case for monogamy. Not only does it better reflect the Church's metaphorical marriage to Christ, but it was God's original plan and ideal. He warns against it for leaders of Israel in the Old Testament and leaders of the newly emerging church in the New Testament. The first recorded polygamist was not a follower of God's will and it was not a story meant to be emulated or mimicked. Most stories of polygamy, including David, Solomon, Abraham, and Jacob, told a tale of woe and strife caused by multiple wives.

But God never expressly forbid it. He allowed it for many kings and leaders, so long as the relationship was validated by marriage and not just an excuse for premarital sex with random women.

Hence, I know some kinksters who practice polygamy. Their faith seems sincere, even if I don't agree that multiple partners is the best way to reflect God's will in our lives.

I asked my Dom what he thought about polygamy. We both have degrees in religion from a secular university, so I trusted his expertise. He told me, "I think God allowed it. I don't necessarily think it's the best way."

I am inclined to agree.

Submission and Feminism

2011-09-21T09:39:00.000-05:00

Is D/s pathololgical?

The APA used to think so. Many people still do. Culture tells us that equality is "right." Either sex wanting to be too dominate or too submissive is wrong. Pathological, even. There must be something wrong with them.

Tomio wrote about this in Submission is not Pathological. Is there a high rate of self-identified abuse victims in BDSM? Yes, but Richers et. al suggest not a statistically significant one.

My Dom sometimes is hesitant to embrace true slavery with me. Does slavery mean he doesn't care about me or love me? Does 24/7 mean my needs never get met? Does CNC (consensual nonconsent) mean he could end up raping me? What if he enjoys it? What if I am psychologically damaged by it? What if he breaks my trust and I hate him forever?

These are fears we've both had to work through, and still are. For me, it's more a fear of, "Who am I? Am I bad for liking this? What about the times I hate it? Or when I love it? What do they mean about me?" And the kicker: "Does that make me a bad feminist?" If there's one club in this culture all women are supposedly initiated into at birth and should remain loyal to until death, it's feminism. And that is often interpreted as being equal in everything. To that school of thought, liking slavery or rough sex or a strong man is a bad, bad thing. It can shake your feeling of who are you are a woman.

For male subs, I'd imagine it's just as difficult; culture tells us to be "a man" you have to be assertive and strong.

Sometimes I love submission. Sometimes I act very submissive and wake up the next morning with a feeling of self-loathing. I feel like the things I've enjoyed are bad, wrong, or disgusting. My culture's views on sex, and my fears and worries about my own desires, keep me from embracing what is probably a normal and healthy sexual expression for my husband and me.

Last week, I woke up with that self-loathing feeling. It's the one I imagine the Hollywood version of a sorority girl feels when she wakes up, hung over and naked, in the bed with a nameless and jerky frat boy from the party before. She feels cheap and admonishes herself as she takes the Walk of Shame. That's how I felt.

I crept into the bathroom, berating myself. Why did I let myself do those things? Why did I ask for them? Why did I enjoy them? Who am I?

The words I used to my husband to describe myself were not very pretty. Whorish. Slutty.

"How can it be those things?" he asked. "You don't do them with other men. You don't do them for money. It's intimacy with your husband. You're monogamous."

Logical, but I didn't feel better. I pictured a line of feminists scowling at me from the pagebooks of history, like my sexual preferences might destroy their years of hard work to get women recognized as equals in the workplace and society.

Silly, I know. But I worried.

Now I think I worried to much. Feminism is about choice. Marriage is about spousal intimacy, and no one but God and the spouses can decide what is right or wrong for them in private.

And you don't have to be a "feminist" to be a good woman. You don't have to fit into a box of what womanhood is.

You can just be yourself.

Punishment is the Antithesis of Bitterness

2011-08-30T18:46:00.004-05:00

I was thinking the other day that punishment is sometimes a lot better than the alternative.

Sometimes in a marriage negative feelings will build up. Someone will start to get bitter, hateful, or testy. Unforgiveness and bitterness can be poison to a relationship. But it can be hard to let go and just let bygones be bygones.

I think punishment helps my Dom keep away from that. Instead of becoming bitter and withdrawn over an issue that's been bugging him, a punishment and frank talk allows us to get the air cleared between us. Instead of him being unforgiving and trying to "get even" with me, which is never healthy for a relationship and is also against the Bible, it lets him vent his frustrations in a constructive way.

I've talked before on here about how I think punishment helps me avoid bitterness and distance. But it just occurred to me how it might help him.

Normally, I am more prone to unforgiveness. In me, it leads to distance, silence, testing, and sulkiness. But in him, it leads to fights or him being cruel or unkind to me. I hate that! But a punishment lets him deal with the problem assertively and in a healthy way. He still feels like he gets to talk to me, but without falling into being unforgiving and bitter.

For both of us, I think it helps us talk things out and avoid a buildup of negative feelings. It may not be fun at the time, but for me, it's much preferable to becoming one of those silently bitter couples.

Monogamy

2011-08-26T17:38:00.001-05:00

Every once in a while, someone's blog or online posting in a forum breaks my heart. Usually it is a sub, heartbroken and lost because her Dom wants to have sex with somebody else. Date somebody else. See somebody else. Love somebody else.

Some subs and slaves are not bothered by this. Some even want it. Those aren't the people I'm talking about.

It always makes me really sad for them. Sad because I'm in a relationship with a man who completely insists on total monogamy for both of us. It makes me feel lucky, and wish this sub could be lucky enough to find someone like I did. Sad because I can imagine how I'd feel in their shoes. Devestated. Heartbroken. Hurt. Lost. Alone. Unwanted. Unloved.

I don't think any man or woman whose heart yearns for monogamy should ever have to endure the hurt of having a partner want to engage in polygamy. But it happens.

It makes me sad.

I think the lies that culture, pop magazines, and tv tell us about men are terrible, terrible mistruths. Lies like: "It's natural to be polygamous. All men want sex with other women. It's normal to fantasize about other women. All men masturbate. All men watch porn. It's normal for a man to think other girls are hot. Most animals in nature are polygamous and so we should be, too."

I want to hug these women and tell them that it's not true. They have the right to expect fidelity and faithfulness from a man. They are enough. The problem is not with them not being pretty enough or sexy enough or not wanting sex enough.

I know men who do not masturbate. Men who do not watch porn. Men who do not want to have sex with other women. Men who are not interested in straying with their eyes, hearts, minds, or bodies.

I'm not saying poly people don't have the right to be poly. But it breaks my heart to see women hurt by a cheating man who wants to call it "poly" instead of cheating.

I think they deserve more. A man who only wants them. A man who is captivated by only them. A man who loves them the way God loves them.

Fatigue

2011-08-24T17:31:00.002-05:00

Fatigue is making it really hard for me lately. But then again, I guess it's making it easier too.

It's making it hard for me to spend good quality time with him. Usually I think he doesn't seem interested enough in my day. Now, when he asks about it, I wave him away with a tired, "I'm really... too tired to talk about it... can we just read or something?" Instead of feeling sad he isn't spending time with me or asking me out on dates, I'm lying prone on the couch, semi-conscious and just trying to make it til 8 pm so I can finally fall asleep. I don't have much energy to go on dates or go out shopping with him. My feet hurt too much. I can barely walk. I'm too exhausted.

It's also making it easier. I just don't have the energy to be disobedient or bad. I don't have any desire to fight with him. I don't feel angry or like he's being unjust when he tells me to do something. You want me to wash my face before bed? (Pause pause pause. Too tired to care.) Okay. And I go do it.

I'm not getting everything done I need to. Laundry... calling the credit card company... but he understands I am just too beat to do anything but the very bare essentials. I do what we have to do TODAY, to live and get through the day. And then I crash. And he can see that I am in no position to do anything but what I've done, and he lets me veg out. (Thank you!)

Suddenly, the fire has gone out of me. I don't want to fight with him. I don't feel angry or put out over... well, basically over anything anymore. I just don't have the energy for it. We're at peace a lot more.

I am too busy at work, too busy at home, too busy trying to get my poor body caught up on some rest so I can function in the workplace.

I kind of like it, as far as it pertains to us. It makes D/s a whole lot easier. I just don't have a strong preference with many things anymore, so I'm content to let him pick whatever it is that he wants to do.

Just as long as it means I can be in bed by 8.

But... I'm a Control Freak!

2011-08-10T10:14:00.000-05:00

My husband dominates me. He punishes me. He takes control of my emotions when I get too mouthy or disrespectful.

Last night, we were having a "correct my attitude" punishment session which I was not enjoying. None of my techniques to avoid punishment were working, and I was getting it. No, it wasn't sexy! Okay, it was a little sexy, but it hurt, and I was tired, and it was not fun!

Every time he got me close to that dreaded edge... remorse... openness... vulnerability... surrender...

I realized what was happening, flipped out, and tried to pull away. Only I couldn't go very far. Because he was holding me in place via a very, err, awkward place on my anatomy.

"Who is in control?" he asked.

The correct answer was You. But what I felt was, Mostly you.

I'm aware this was only in my head. He had hold of my body, was causing me pain, and was 100% in the right both biblically and by what we'd agreed to. But some little part of me did not want to give in. So while most of me was truly apologetic, that stubborn little wench inside of me crossed her arms and stamped her foot and said No! I did not want to give up control, you see. I was afraid of total surrender.

Punishment can make me surrender, you see. So can sub space. Once I go into that mode, I stop feeling "angry, wronged, mouthy, and mean" and start feeling downright ashamed of myself. I'll fight fight fight my punishment, listing a dozen different reasons I'm not wrong or he shouldn't punish me, and then I'll just start to lose the wind in my sails. The anger will slowly ebb out of me. I'll get kind of sad and mopey. My body will start to relax. Eventually, I'll relax completely, going limp, and with one final sigh I will turn toward him, bare my body to him for punishment, and say in a small, resigned voice, "Okay." (By this, I mean, "Okay, you're right; I accept my punishment and open myself to whatever punishment you decide to give me. You are my head.")

Yesterday I was having trouble getting to that place and staying there. He was right and I was wrong. I accepted what he gave me. But I still wanted to struggle a little bit. I didn't want to be pushed over that final edge into total surrender.

Because I am a control freak.

He knows this about me. He loves me anyway.

He kept punishing me. I accepted it... mostly. I apologized sincerely. But this tiny 1% of me was still feeling quite put out about the whole punishment thing. It kept showing through my tone of voice and when I would pull away and sulk. So he kept pulling me back and starting again.

"Why aren't you giving in to me?" he asked. "You're mine anyway."

Am not!!! tiny 1% of me shouted. "Because," the other 99% of me responded, "I'm a control freak. I'm a control freak!"

I want him to be in control. I long for it. But when the moment comes, I get a little panicky. Suddenly, I want to be in control of my emotions! I want to be in control of my body! You can't have them! Well, okay, you can have most of them, but leave me just a little bit, okay? OKAY????

Not okay.

He has just started powering through. I call this Operation Take Submission.

Eventually, we both know I am going to give in and start giving it more. (At least, I hope so! That's what training is for, right?) Operation Take Submission will give way to Operation Give and Take.

How do you give up your control freak tendencies and surrender? What things does your Dom do to take submission? Doms and Masters, how do you power through when your sub won't fully submit?

Not-So-Effective Ways to Avoid Punishment

2011-08-09T10:35:00.004-05:00

Today, Stormy had a great post about her Top 10 Ways to Avoid a Spanking. It really made me smile. It made me think about what techniques I try to get out of a punishment. ("Meeee?" *bats eyes innocently*)

Yep, I do it, too. I might add upfront that they do not work. This is because my husband is a pretty smart guy. They used to work in the past... sometimes... but not always. They pretty much never work now because he's gotten a lot more used to me and my wily ways. Oh, and he reads my blog. So he pretty much knows all my trade secrets. Drat it!

I don't mean to try to wiggle my way out of a punishment. But when The Fateful Moment appears, and I realize all my masterful dancing around the line has not worked and now I've actually crossed it, and I look at the paddle or feel the sting on my nipples, words just start coming out of my mouth in a torrent to try to save me from the fate I see in my very, very near future. I become convinced that it wasn't my fault and he should be more lenient! I'll say anything! If you'd like to give them a try, here are some of my not-so-effective techniques:

Logic. I am a master at sounding logical when I am being illogical. I really think I should have been a lawyer. I won't lie, but I'll minimize the sin. "I didn't realize that came across as disrespectful. I thought we were playing. And anyway you know I'm so tired lately and you came home already grouchy. I was just responding to you." See? All my reasons my sin is not really a sin and you should just overlook it?

But I Didn't Mean To. This is often true, so I try to use this one. "I didn't realize I hurt you." "I didn't mean for that to come across as disrespectful." "I thought I did say 'please.' In fact, I am almost certain I said 'please'! No? Are you sure?"

Diversion. Oh look, a rainbow! This trick works well with children and goldfish, so I try it every once in a while on my husband just to see if he'll fall for it, too. "I wasn't finished talking about my day yet. And I thought we agreed we would discuss our plans for the week, too. Can't we do those first?"

Wasting Time. When in doubt, talk talk talk talk talk. Fill up the space, fill the silence, talk talk talk. Maybe he'll get interested in something I say. Maybe I will accidentally hit upon The Perfect Excuse for whatever he's mad about. Maybe he'll get tired and fall asleep.

Arguing. I argue because I'm really mad, not just to get out of punishment. If I'm arguing, you can bet I honestly believe whatever he's about to do is "Not Fair" (this is a cardinal sin with me). It's hard for me to submit to a punishment I think is not fair, so I keep arguing with him until he can prove to me that I am, indeed, in the wrong. Man, I hate that. :(

Stating Facts I Cannot Back Up. This is my last-ditch effort, and it never works, since a "fact you can't back up" is not really a fact at all, is it? At this point I'll just say things with a convincing tone and hope he believes them. Some of my standards are, "You do not have the authority to do this!," "The Bible does not say you can do this!," "It's my body!," "You don't have the right!," or, my favorite, "You can't!" Of course, these are all pretty easy to disprove, since the Bible does say I am to give total submission to him and that he does have authority over me, including my body. And, as he has proved most adequately over the last few weeks, "Yes, he can!"

He really should be a poster child for Obama.

Is This One of Your Favorite BDSM Blogs?

2011-08-06T07:45:00.002-05:00

As a side post, if you enjoy my blog, please pop on over to Rori's site, Between My Sheets, and nominate me for the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2011. You can nominate me or just second a nomination that is already there. Rori is giving one commenter a cool prize as well!

There are a lot of really great BDSM and sex blogs out there, and I'll be nominating a few of my favorites that are on my blog list (some were already on the list for 2010, so congrats to them! I already knew you rocked!). There are a lot of sex bloggers and even M/s bloggers out there, but DD and D/s are underrepresented, as are blogs by men, so please also support your other favorite blogs by nominating them!

Again, this doesn't mean you think I'm The Best Blogger Out There, just that it's one of your favorites! If you enjoy my musings, I'd appreciate the shout-out. You can leave a comment nominating me here. Just leave my name, blog url, and a quick comment saying why you enjoy my posts.

Thanks for all your comments and support!

Punishment Clears the Air

2011-08-06T07:07:00.002-05:00

I hate being punished.

But also, I kind of like it.

Confused yet? :) I'll explain.

I have a love-hate relationship with punishment from my Dom. Punishment is something I will go to great lengths to avoid. Whining, pleading, or--my favorite--using logic to reason my way out of it. At the same time, I think the idea of it is very sexy. It's a turn-on to imagine him having so much control and such sway in my life. Also, I'm finding it really helps clear the air.

Every day, tiny pieces of negativity can come up in our relationship that are so small they don't cause a real problem, but are there all the same. These negative things might be really small, like my bad attitude, him having a bad day at work, me having a disrespectful tone, or him not catching me on being disobedient. Maybe one of us is just grouchy or short-tempered.

My Dom lets these things roll of his shoulders, gets over them, and life moves on as normal for him. For me, they build up. They accumulate over time. After a few days, I'll find myself feeling surly and sulky for no real reason. I'm not mad at him; we're not fighting; I still love him. But for reasons I can't explain, I pull away when he reaches for me or my tone gets more hateful when I'm not happy with him.

Punishment helps clear those tiny, negative elements from our relationship. It gives us a chance to talk about what has happened. It gives me a chance to apologize for what I've done and actually feel remorse, which is very important to me in order to change the behavior. It also reinforces his power over me. It makes me feel an emotional release. It helps me breathe a huge sigh of relief that everything is now "fair," the slate is clean, and the air between us is cleared. And it has the added bonus of making me feel noticed, loved, and cherished, because he is engaging in our relationship and actively trying to help me improve in the areas we've agreed on or he's decided on. Also, I've noticed my Dom tends to approach punishments calmly and will even apologize for his part himself, instead of getting angry, blaming me, and inflaming the problem.

It really is an emotional catharsis.

Regaining Trust

2011-08-05T08:28:00.003-05:00

A theme I read a lot on BDSM blogs is about regaining trust. Often, the slave has done something that has lost her (or his!) Master's trust, but I hear about the other way around, too. Sometimes the relationship will end, or keep going without the BDSM element, which is heartbreaking to both people. Sometimes the slave is in danger of losing her collar.

I think the reason breaking trust is such a big deal is trust is so crucial to this lifestyle. It has to be "safe, sane, and consensual." There has to be trust. Research shows BDSM can lead to heightened feelings of intimacy, so emotions and deep vulnerabilities come to the surface. It can be heartbreaking and devastating to have those hurt or damaged. In worst-case scenarios, people's health and lives may be at stake, especially with edge play like breath control.

But the truth is, real Doms and subs are human. We are going to fail. We are going to hurt each other.

When my Dom and I started our long, arduous journey into TTWD (thanks to the internet I discovered it had a name and a whole community attached!), I had visions of fairies and sugarplums dancing in my head. Not really, but I might as well have. I envisioned that, with a lot of work and mistakes of course, we would eventually reach a place where we existed in perfect tune with each other. He would always dominate me exactly the way I wanted him to, and I would live in subspace all the time. He would notice tiny transgressions immediately and punish me severely, and I would always return to him. He would train me into a submissive, respectful version of myself, and I would get his coffee in the mornings and give him oral sex whenever he wanted it. Of course, I would always like said oral sex and he would feel emotionally satisfied. In public, a mere look or raise of the eyebrow would send me into a meek and docile headspace. No one would know, but he would rule me completely.

Of course, the reality is far from that. Like many women, I struggle with submission. Sometimes I really want to. Others I don't! I feel stubborn or angry. I resent that it's "not fair." I plant my feet, grit my teeth, my eyes flash, and I dig my feet into the ground.

Sometimes, of course, he can't notice all my transgressions because he doesn't live in my head. Because what I hadn't considered as a newbie sub, you see, is that some of my transgressions are mental. Maybe I have a bad attitude. Maybe I'm sulking, so subtly and sneakily that he doesn't notice. Maybe I do what he says outwardly but I'm resentful and steaming inside because he didn't dominate me earlier in the day when I thought I needed it. Maybe I think I'm testing him and being bratty, but he thinks I'm being playful and teasing. He likes it when we tease and play, so without knowing the motive, he doesn't know to punish me.

Sometimes my Dom isn't perfect. Sometimes he gets tired of ordering people around at work and just feels too tired to come home and order someone around at home. Sometimes he forgets what he's told me to do, so he can't check up on me and make sure I've done it later.

In all these cases, for a myriad of reasons and a variety of times, trust is broken. I break his. He breaks mine.

We are not perfect creatures, after all.

Luckily, there is this thing called forgiveness. Regaining of trust. Rebuilding. It can be hard and it can be slow. For me, it is often very painful (I'm not naturally a person whose feelings bounce back after being hurt). Sometimes I think forgiveness is impossible. I want to give up. Sometimes I try.

Recently, I suggested we "take a break" from D/s for a while. "Not from our marriage!" I insisted. "Just from BDSM." (In my head, I was thinking, "'Take a break?' What are we, in high school?" But maybe he would fall for it...)

There was a brief pause.

"No."

Insert pout here. "Why?" I whined.

"Because we'll lose all the ground we've made."

Hmph. He was right. So, no break for us. That's okay. In my head, I could see that losing all the ground we've worked for would be bad. We'd have to spend weeks and months re-covering the same ground we'd worked so hard to gain.

If you are new to a BDSM relationship, it can be easy to fall into the mistake I made: envisioning years of perfect relationship bliss, an endless dance of dominance and submission where all your needs and wants get met. (For a humorous look at this, read A Look at Reality vs. Dreams.) Luckily, I'm with a man who doesn't give up easily, in a relationship I can't get out of (*cough* marriage *cough*). And I'm tenacious. So we have worked out, over the months and years, that sometimes D/s is hard and sometimes it is wonderfully, blissfully easy. Why do we do it? Because we think it is worth the work to reap the benefits to our relationship in terms of intimacy, emotional fulfillment, and our sex life.

Physical wounds heal quickly. Emotional ones are slower and more painful. Yet trust can always be regained.

I'm a Tropical Flower

2011-08-02T17:11:00.004-05:00

If women were flowers, for women in DD or D/s relationships, dominance and structure would be sunlight and warmth.

All flowers have different needs when it comes to sunlight. We need it to grow and flourish. We can do without it for a while, but we'll start to wilt if we go too long. And we don't only need sunlight, of course. We also need healthy doses of rich soil, nourishing water, and fresh air. We get these through our hobbies, friends, families, and lives as women.

But we still need that sunlight.

With sunlight, we can grow into the women we want to be. We flourish and glow. Other women ask us, "What is that sunlight your husband is giving you to make you so radiant and glowing and healthy?!" We just laugh and shake our heads shyly.

Some women don't need or want a whole lot of sunlight. Their foliage does best in an independent, safe environment with only a little sunlight, but they still appreciate it when they get it and know they couldn't flourish without it. These are the lovely bushes and wildflowers you'll see gracing the meadows of more northern climates.

Other women need a moderate amount of sunlight. They do well in temperate climates, with steady sun during the summers, but they can still tough out a dark, gray winter. They don't want or need a lot of micromanagement in their lives.

The rest of us are what the world scoffs and calls "high maintenance," as though it's a bad thing to have evolving, dynamic needs and be aware of them. We flourish best in warm, sunny climates. Our husbands roll their eyes and say we need to be micromanaged. And we probably do! It makes us feel safe, secure, and loved.

I fall into this category.

Because I, you see, am a tropical flower.

(That's me).

Tropical flowers are delicate and colorful. They can be vibrant and glowing with color when they get the proper amount of sunlight (this is why they are my favorite to receive in bouquets!). But if you try to transplant one to, say, the Midwest, the flower will flounder and wilt. It will act mopey and sad. It can probably survive, but it won't be the upright, strong, vibrant flower it was in the Bahamas. And if you try to make it grow farther north, like Canada, it will just wither and eventually die, no matter how much soil and water and plant food you give it. It's a flower made for sunlight. Without it, it will grow sickly and die.

Men, God has given you a flower. This is the one flower you get for your entire life. You were probably no gardener before, so you may not have much idea exactly what to do with this flower. But it's the one you got, and you are in charge of making sure this flower grows and flourishes for the rest of her life. You need to figure out how much sunlight is best for this particular flower. Where will she flourish most? Where can she survive but not at her best? And where will she just die off completely? Is she getting enough soil and nutrients and water and shade from other people and places? How much does she need, anyway? And then, how much sunlight does she need?

That's your job. That's where you shine.

Give a flower sunlight, and she will lift her face and grow toward it.

Safewords in CNC Relationships

2011-07-29T14:00:00.000-05:00

Can a CNC ("consensual non-consent") relationship have a safeword?

My answer is yes.

I know CNC relationships don't have to have safewords. I know some people who feel that a slave or sub having a safeword means the Dom does not have total control. Hence the quote, "A slave with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees." I know some Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Dommes live by this and don't allow their slaves to have safewords. I also know slaves and subs who do not want a safeword and that is okay too. I'm not saying you have to have one. I'm just saying that I do.

My Dom wants me to have a safeword because he wants to make sure he never pushes me past the point of "hurting" me to "permanently damaging" me. He can't read my mind, and I think he'll admit he's not a super perceptive person with these kinds of things.

I want to have a safeword because, well, it keeps me safe. It makes me evaluate what is happening to me: am I upset or am I being harmed? is it in my best interest to stop this activity?

We have both agreed that my safeword is to be used in emergencies only, when I need it, and not just when I don't feel like doing something. It is a way for me to tell my Dom that I am freaking out and need to stop for my emotional health and safety, not a way for me to express my dislike of an activity we're doing (that's what fighting, squirming, crying, and begging are for :-D)

There have been times I have hated something he was doing to me (usually something that triggers me, like getting in my personal space too much) and was panicking, but as long as I could take it, I didn't safeword. (No, it's not about proving anything; it's about only using my safeword when I honestly need to.)

LoriAdorable and Rogue Bambi are both bloggers who have mentioned that they sometimes feel uncomfortable with CNC relationships because the sub doesn't have a safeword. They rightly point out that a sub could end up in an abusive relationship that way. I'm just saying that the sub can have a safeword. Those relationships do exist. Mine is an example.

Who Rules Over You?

2011-07-26T16:35:00.003-05:00

This today, as I'm bent over our dresser receiving my punishment for being disrespectful:

"Who rules over you?"

"You."

"Who rules over you?"

*gasp* "You."

"For whom is your desire?"

My stubborn heart melted just a bit. I whimpered. "You."

"That's right."

And we continued on in silence.

Improvements

2011-07-26T10:47:00.008-05:00

If I had to describe the growth of our D/s relationship over time, this is what it would look like: Oh, it's definitely improving. But it is a process of ups and downs, hashing and re-hashing the same issues (consistency, submission, power struggles, goals), of happiness followed by fights and tears followed by happiness. We are definitely in a two-steps-forward, one-step-back pattern (which is much better than the traditional one-forward, two-back pattern).

When we discovered D/s I pretty much thought our relationship would look like this:

or, if I were being more realistic, maybe on our bad days, more like this:

but that hasn't really happened. And that's okay. Because marriage is hard work and we come to it with ideals of perfection but we quickly realize that life won't always work that way but we can still work hard and have a happy, fulfilling life.

Marriage psychology states that "healthy fighting" becomes "unhealthy fighting" when you get into a rut. In other words, when no resolution can be found. When you fight again and again about the same things, that's a sure signal that your last fight didn't actually have the resolution you thought it did. For us, I noticed we were fighting repeatedly, at intervals of every few weeks, about me not taking enough responsibility and him not being strict enough.

In that situation, there are only three solutions as I see it:

you can keep fighting and re-fighting about the same things forever

you can give up D/s altogether and become vanilla

you can change something to find a real solution, because obviously what you're doing isn't working.

So I cried a bit and got discouraged and talked about giving up D/s, but in the end I decided that #3 was definitely the best solution, because you see, I am not a "throw-in-the-towel" type of girl. And obviously what we'd been trying was not working, so that left me with the question, "What am I going to change?"

Because eventually I had to realize that he cannot be the only one to change. And my Dom had to realize that I could not be the only one to change. It's easy to say, "If only he would...!" or "If only she would...!" but that obviously wasn't working because neither of us were.

So we both had to be willing to give up our idea of "Perfect D/s" where our woes were completely the other person's fault, and try to compromise.

Sigh.

(Oh, by the way, I hate to compromise when I think I am right.)

...

(But who doesn't?)

So I said yes, I could be more submissive. And after a long talk, he showed me for the first time that when I was not submissive and forced him to make me submit all the time, he felt like we weren't on the same team. I had never known that. So I am trying to show him verbally and through my actions that I am on his team.

And he said yes, he could be stricter and less lenient. What he thought was grace and forgiveness I saw as weakness and inconsistency. So he could be more harsh and strict with me if that's what I wanted.

I'm not saying our relationship is now going to look like this:

although that would be nice. Because I'm sure it will actually continue looking a lot more like this:

but that's okay. Because that is a pattern of forward growth and just like we will never have the perfect marriage and I will never be the perfect Christian, we will never have a perfect D/s relationship. There is always room to grow and improve, but the important thing is that you keep doing that.

And there have been definite improvements.

Today, he said he wanted to talk. He asked me, "What are you going to do to be more submissive? And what can I do to be more dominant?"

Usually, I have to bring up our D/s conversations, but this one, he initiated. He was taking an active role in making our relationship better, and I appreciated that. Also, it made me really think, What am I going to do to be more submissive? (I am still chewing that one over for right now... more on that when I figure it out.)

Today, we started to have a fight about whether he should help my dad paint his house or go shopping with me. But it never really turned into a fight. Because once it became clear we wanted two different things (guess which one I wanted? haha), he just stopped the conversation and said, "Ok, I'm making a decision. I'm going to go help your father, and I will go shopping with you later. I understand what you want and I'm sorry we don't agree, but this is the right thing to do and it's my decision." And so there was no fight. And I accepted his decision and pouted a bit but did not sulk, and we hugged and he went outside to work and told me to come write a blog and relax and enjoy myself. So I have.

That was also an improvement.

And yesterday, I came up to him and felt needy and needed a hug. And I asked him if this was real and would it last. And he held me close and said, "Admit to me that sometimes you can't control yourself and you need me to help you do it."

Well, I felt a little piqued. I pouted and didn't want to admit such a thing. I countered (brilliantly, I thought!) with, "Well, don't you lose your temper, too? No one controls themselves all the time!"

And he smiled and said, "That's not what I asked you. I think I asked you first."

So instead of being stubborn, I sighed and said in a very small voice, "Yes."

And he wrapped his arms around me and said confidently, "Good. Then I will help you do it. And yes, sometimes I lose my temper, too, and I'm sorry for it." And I went away feeling understood and happy.

So that was also an improvement.

And today, he told me to go inside and relax. I said I needed to get some work done. He said I had plenty of time to work later, and I'm always complaining I never get to read my blog list or just read a book, and to go do something fun. I remembered that I'd promised to fight him less and be more submissive, so I just decided to obey him and feel grateful that he was looking out for me and wanted me to relax, instead of getting miffed that he was controlling me. So I scowled at him and went inside and did what he said. And when he came in to check on me, I had a good attitude about it.

So there was another improvement.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Two steps forward.

Shows of Dominance

2011-07-25T18:01:00.005-05:00

On my earlier post Dynamic Needs in D/s, a reader left this comment:

"I like to be made to do something," I said. "I want to know that you have power over me and are stronger than me. My need is to be forced."

Can you explain the actual power and actual force that you want him to exhibit. I see this kind of complaint often but know one offering an example of what a solution would look like.

This is a good question. I am sure the answer is different for every sub or slave, but I'll try to explain the power and force I crave.

In the animal kingdom, animals show dominance in many ways. We humans are not much different! What do animals and humans have in common?

They strut, posture, or "puff up" (I love when my tiny white cat does this!)

They make threatening noises (growls and hisses for animals; tone of voice for us)

They glare (same for animals and humans!)

They go for the throat

They go for the back of the neck

They hit a "warning hit" (not to injure)

When that doesn't work, they hit to injure

I like when my Dom uses any of the above. Sometimes it's just a fierce glare and a tone that brokes no argument. Once, we were on the verge of having a fight because he felt he should go help my dad paint the house and I wanted him to spend time with me. His tone did the trick. "I am going out to help your father," he said firmly to me.

"Fine! I'll just go shopping!"

"If you try to leave, I will start a fight in front of your dad. I am not scared."

Well, the tone worked. I made a pouty face and gave in, he came and hugged me, and he went out to work and I went and used my computer.

What are some other ways my Dom "makes me" do things?

Sometimes he uses his physical size to his advantage, even though he is not much bigger than me. He will hold my hands down or pin them behind my back. He will invade my personal space so I back down.

Other times, he will use the throat or back-of-the-neck technique. If he grabs the back of my neck and squeezes, just like a lion biting a lioness, I will squirm and then give in. If I'm being really out of control, he'll grab me by the throat, squeeze, push his face against mine, and threaten me in a low voice. That pretty much always works because it scares me and then I cry and give in. ;)

Animals will give "warning hits" without trying to injure. For instance, dogs will nip before they bite or cats will box each other before they pull out the claws and teeth. I think this is the equivalent of a maintenance spanking in DD or when my Dom will lightly smack me to get my attention. If my behavior gets really bad, though, he will spank me for real--until it really hurts. Of course, he has always been careful not to injure me or leave permanent marks or bruises.

And sometimes, it's more simple than that. He will stop, look me in the eyes, and say, "You'd better do what I say, or else ____________."

My brain does a fast computation of the risk (is doing X worth receiving the punishment Y? Is he bluffing or will he really follow through?) and usually, I give in, because usually, I decide that it's not worth whatever punishment he's threatening.

And that is what I mean by saying "He makes me."

When Punishment Brings Restoration

2011-07-25T08:49:00.004-05:00

I've always cognitively understood why subs on DD websites would post things like, "I just want him to punish me!" but I can't say I ever really understood on an emotional or instinctual level.

My mind can logically accept that some women want to be punished. They want the catharsis, they want to feel they've had their consequence and it's over and all is forgiven, or maybe they just want to feel taken in hand by their husbands. I read on a lot of DD blogs how after a spanking or other punishment, couples regain their intimacy and are able to make love or have a loving, cuddly evening together because the air has been cleared, negative emotions have been dealt with and talked out (or beaten out *wink*), and there is a feeling of relief.

But I'd never really felt that way.

I either felt angry after a punishment, or angry because he wasn't punishing me. If he punished me, I'd sulk, thinking, "How dare he act like I'm the only one wrong?" or "He's such a jerk, ignoring my misbehavior and being inconsistent for days, and then trying to take back control out of nowhere!" Punishment never really resulted in the return to emotional intimacy that DD websites described.

I think punishments, whether spanking or not, have several goals:

Remorse. The Dom gives a negative consequence (lecture, spanking, written assignment on what she did wrong) to encourage or even force the sub to see the error of her ways and feel remorse. Without remorse, there can be no change in the future, so I think it's necessary a good punishment end with remorse.

Justice. I have a rigid black-and-white view of the world. Things being unfair or unjust bother me like an itch under the skin. If I've wronged my husband, receiving a punishment in measure with my offense can make me relax because all is right with the world again.

Emotional Catharsis. A lot of DD and CDD websites advocate spanking until the woman cries. I don't know if that's necessary, but I think once a man fights through the anger, pain, and stubborness and finally breaks that final barrier, there can be great emotional healing. I know several DD couples who use spanking as a way to basically "beat" a bad attitude out of the woman, clear the air of negative feelings, and restore marital harmony.

Intimacy. Instead of sulking and fighting all night, quick and decisive punishment stops a bad behavior in its tracks. Instead of letting a woman leave the house, lock the door, or scream at him all night, a man takes the issue in control, deals with it, and they can put it behind them. Intimacy and harmony are restored. (Yes, I've heard of women who needed two or three or even four spankings in a night before their attitude finally changed!)

Reinforcement of Boundaries. Fights inevitably become power struggles between the two people. Punishment is a clear way to reinforce that the HoH is in charge and the woman is not. Instead of struggling for power all night, the couple can accept the way things are and get to the business of talking about their issues and resolving them within their pre-agreed-upon boundaries: man in charge, woman as helpmeet.

These are great goals, but I'd never really understood. It had never happened to me. Maybe the punishments didn't come consistently enough. Maybe I'm too stubborn and hell-bent on being right. Probably... both?

Either way, I'd never felt remorse and we rarely felt intimacy after. He felt like I wasn't on his team and I felt like he wasn't being consistent.

Last night, for the first time, a punishment really worked with me. We'd had a bad fight. We'd both said some mean things. We were both exhausted and drained.

We stuck it out (meaning: he didn't get mad and leave and I didn't get hurt and shut him out), which took a lot of effort for both of us. It's harder to stay in a room and fight with someone you love for 4 fours than it is to storm out and go feel self-righteous.

But we stayed.

And we talked.

And our talk went up and down, closer to resolution and then farther away, but we kept at it.

Finally, finally, exhausted and in the wee hours of the night, we had talked it all out. We'd both aired our grievances and apologized. We'd both shared how hurt we were and both tried to compromise and say we would work on some things.

It was time to go to bed.

After a fight like that, even after we've apologized and forgiven each other, I just can't have a good night's sleep. There is just too much negativity bottled up in me after all that. I will have a terrible night with nightmares. I will wake up upset from residual bad emotions. It will ruin my day the next day as well.

As we laid there, drifting to sleep and cuddling, I suddenly understood. I wanted him to punish me. I wanted him to take me in hand and show me that my bad behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. I wanted him to clear the air between us. I wanted to feel close to him again. I didn't want our night and tomorrow to be ruined. I wanted to restore our relationship.

It's hard to admit that to your husband. But I rolled over and traced my hand up and down his stomach. I admitted how I felt.

He was willing. He was very, very willing.

The air felt charged with erotic tension as I waited for him to decide what to do. He said he didn't want me to whine or complain or tell him he didn't punish me enough or he punished me too much. With bated breath, I promised that I would open myself to his authority. He could punish me as he wanted to. I would not complain or criticize.

I felt.... open. Submissive. I wanted things to be right between us. I was sorry for hurting him. I wanted him to punish me for it so I knew he was my head and authority, and so the air could be cleared between us.

I didn't like all the punishments he chose. But when I whimpered, he reminded me softly, "You said you would open yourself to me." And so I did.

He punished me in several different ways. Some were, frankly, highly erotic for both of us. Some were not. I accepted them either way.

There was a change in my Dom. He took the power I gave him and he wielded it. He seemed more strong and self-assured. He knew what he wanted. He told me what I'd done wrong as he punished me. He told me how he was going to punish me. He asked me, "What did you do wrong today?" He made me, in the middle of being punished, list off the things I'd done that were disrespectful or hard-hearted. Listing them while being punished was powerful for me. It made an immediate connection in my head between my behavior and the punishment. I couldn't play the victim or pretend that he was the jerk here.

When I needed a break to be cuddled and reassured, he was quick to oblige. His strong arms held me as I curled into his neck and cried about how sorry I was. He kissed me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry, too. When I was done being reassured, he put me back in position and kept punishing me.

It meant a lot to me that he didn't just cut the punishment short because I was sorry. He was loving and gentle, but firm. He insisted on giving me every bit of that punishment I'd deserved. If he had relented, I'd have felt cheated. I wouldn't have had that emotional catharsis. I would have questioned his authority ("Can I manipulate my way out of things just by acting sorry? Why isn't he following through on what he said he'd do?"). But he gave me 100% of the punishment he'd decided was fair for me and told me I'd be getting. He didn't slack off or relent. It made him seem so strong and masculine in my eyes.

Often, punishments to me seem too short. I feel they're too lenient for whatever I've done. Not this one.

At one point, I asked him, "Why aren't you being punished? You were wrong, too."

He looked down at me, seeming big and strong in my eyes. I felt a little in awe of him.

He didn't seem threatened by my question. "I'm sorry, too," he told me. "But I answer to God. God will punish me. You answer to me."

My heart felt washed clean. I breathed huge sighs of shuddering relief. Everything was right with the world. Everything was fair. I was being taken care of. My bad behavior was being dealt with decisively and strictly. My husband loved me and I loved him. We were on the same team. Intimacy was restored. I felt... grateful.

When he was finished, he brought me water and made me drink it. I cuddled up next to him as close as I could get. He tenderly wrapped the blankets around my naked body. I was seized by a fear this might not last. He reassured me.

Whispering loving words in each other's ears, curled around each other, we drifted into peaceful sleep.

What Masters Look for in Subs

2011-07-22T09:12:00.003-05:00

Since yesterday I did a post on what I look for in a dominant, it seemed only fair to do some research into what folks on the interwebs are looking for in a sub.

If I were looking for a sub, I wouldn't actually start looking for obedience or submission right away. This would overlook a lot of new or untrained subs who may not be able to exhibit those qualities yet. Looking for a "submissive personality" also presupposes that women and men with dominant, assertive personalities cannot make good subs or slaves, an attitude I completely disagree with.

What I would look for would be honesty, self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to learn. Even the most assertive person can learn to exhibit submission, if they desire it, but the willingness to learn and the ability to introspect and communicate openly have to be there.

What do actual Masters and Mistresses look for in subs?

I found a good article by Mistress Constance. She seems to suffer from the same problems a lot of new subs do on the internet: people writing her, wanting to be in a relationship with her before they really know her, talking only about BDSM. It's important to remember that in a BDSM relationship, most of you time is just going to be spent being vanilla. Things like jobs, family, kids, housework, errands, and bills don't disappear so as to kindly allow you the freedom to do nothing but lock yourself in the bedroom and play with chains and whips all day. You have find someone that has similar interests and values as you, and not just as it relates to BDSM.

Also, a sub should not be completely self-absorbed. It's great to know what you want and need from a relationship, but if you come in to a potential Dominant and can only say what you want to get out of the relationship, not what you can give to it, why would that Dom be interested in you in the first place?

I do disagree with Ms. Constance that a sub with a long list of limits is a turn off. She says:

If, instead, you have long laundry lists of limits, perhaps this isn't the
lifestyle for you. I've had novice submissives tell me that their limits were
absolutely no pain, absolutely no bondage, absolutely nothing at all in a public
setting where anyone else might ever know that they were submissive, and that,
in return for this carte blanche, they would be willing to "help out" with the
housework. Oh, and I could, if we lived far enough apart, have other
relationships. It doesn't work that way. You should know your limits, but if
you're unwilling to explore any of the darker sides of this dynamic, perhaps
this is a poor choice for you.

Personally, I think that's a bit harsh. The hypothetical sub in question sounds like a newbie to me more than a sub who just isn't cut out for BDSM. For a new sub who is just exploring new desires, there may be a lot of "limits" just as a measure of self-protection. I think as a sub learns and grows, hard limits may gradually become soft limits and then eventually not limits at all.

Raven Shadowborne also points out that necessary qualities in a sub are ability to control yourself and obedience. If you can't control yourself, your Dom will be constantly trying to keep you in line with no help from you. It takes both of you to make sure you stay within the parameters of the boundaries your Dom has set.

Attitude, understanding, and selfishness are more desirable submissive qualities listed in an article by Jack Peacock. Like I said before, even the most headstrong individual can be conquered by the right person if he or she has the right attitude about it. You have to be willing to be conquered.

Understanding is also important because Doms, Masters, HoHs, and Mistresses are not perfect. They will have off days. They will disappoint you. Your BDSM dreams will not turn out to be all that you hoped they would be when you first delved into this lifestyle. We need to be understanding that sometimes our Perfect Man or Woman will not be so perfect after all.

I don't think an exhaustive list of submissive qualities is possible, because subs vary so much in personality and style. Each Dom will want to find someone with the raw material he (or she) is looking for and then train that person to fit his standards.

What Do You Expect from Your Dom

2011-07-21T17:18:00.006-05:00

I was taking part in a good discussion on Fetlife asking what we expect from our Dominants. It was such an interesting question that I decided to post about it here.

Expectations are important because they can lead to anger, hurt, and bitterness when there are unmet expectations. On the other hand, it's important to have standards and not just fall for the first psuedo-Dom who writes you a really sweet email on CollarMe that sounds something like, "Hello, my slut. I am your Master and you will obey me NOW. Send naked photos." Having expectations also helps you know what you want out of a partner so you can find someone who matches your style of kink.

As written on Fetlife, here are my bon mots about my expectations of a Dominant:

The basics: honesty, commitment, monogamy, faith, integrity, communication. Basically just being a good person, things I'd expect in any man.

The specifics, that apply not to "any man I'd date" but specifically "a dominant": consistency, strength, power, commanding tone/presence, follow-through, initiative.

I think it's important to note that what I expect from a Dom is above and beyond just what I'd expect from a man. I have certain standards for men that I would date or marry. They have to be smart, Christian, honest, etc. As you can see above, I think my expectations for a boyfriend or husband are pretty basic for women in my culture.

Being a Dom or Master, to me, is a step above being marriage material. This is a man who goes above and beyond. It's more work and more responsibility (and, I hope, more reward). This isn't just a man who loves you and is faithful to you and raises children with you. This is a man who does all that while dominating and leading you! He can change diapers with one hand and keep a tight rein on you with the other. He mows the lawn and helps with the dishes, then turns around and spanks you for being disrespectful. He is indeed a kind of Superman! (Maybe I should get my Dom some tights or something???)

My answer on Fetlife was pretty short, so I wanted to explore each of my "Domly expectations" a bit more on here:

Consistency. This one was my first response because, guess what?, we'd just been talking about it! Without consistency, I get grumpy. I start to do little test and then bigger tests. Then I get mad and I complain. I need consistency from my Dom so that I know I can rely on him 100% of the time.

Strength. What makes a "husband and Dom" different from a "husband"? Probably strength. You can be a good husband and father and be a pretty easygoing, passive guy, but you can't be a Dom without strength. A man who is a Dominant has not only the strength to control himself, but strength greater than the strength of his wife. He can also control her and their children. His moral and emotional strength are greater than theirs, so they can rely on him.

Power. This is similar to strength. Being strong is not enough if you do not also wield the power in your relationship. A woman can't just give you power and you let it lie there idly at your feet; that's not D/s. You must take up the power she gives you and wield it, use it, exert it.

Commanding Tone. This one is important to me. A good Dom can quiet a woman and quell rebellion with a look and the tone of his voice. I think having a commanding tone is something I really respect and look for in a Dominant.

Commanding Presence. When the quelling looks and tone fail, as they sometimes will, a Dominant does not just shrug his shoulders and think, Oh well, let her do whatever she wants. He plays his next card, which is physical presence. This can be something traditional like spanking or something much more subtle like a subtly threatening posture that only his wife notices, but she knows what it means and quiets down!

Follow-Through. I look for this in a Dominant because anyone can make rules. Heck, we all like to boss others around and dictate that the world go according to our desires from time to time! It's easy to make demands, but it's hard to remember those demands later and enforce them when you're busy and tired and would rather not deal with a rebellious, cantankerous woman. When you feel exhausted and would rather give in, let her have her way, and just go to bed, it takes a strong man to follow through on getting his way anyway.

Initiative. This is just the precursor to follow-through. Without initiative, your boat never sets sail and gets underway, much less drifts atide and needs the Dominant's follow-through. A Dominant should know what he wants, where he wants the relationship to go, and how he wants to get there. A man with initiative and drive can form a plan for his relationship and provide leadership to his wife and children. Without starting your first foot on that journey, leadership can never happen.

Of course, I'm not saying all Dominants have to do this. But these are the things I tend to value in a self-proclaimed Dominant man. They make me feel safe. When I feel safe, I feel free to be more submissive. With these things, I feel safe, happy, cherished, and loved.

Rape in Consensual Non-Consent Relationships

2011-07-20T18:08:00.007-05:00

I've been thinking about the online article When Rape is a Gift over at the Taken in Hand website. This article is by The Boss, who has also written such gems as Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum, The Missionary Position, and Happy Living in Fear of a Man, and The Subjection of Women. If you are interested in Taken in Hand and haven't read these articles, you really should. They are some of my favorites.

When Rape is a Gift is such a powerful title, don't you think? It evokes emotions almost immediately. Usually, they are negative. And rightly so. Rape the way we think of is--a man or woman being forced or coerced into an unwanted sexual encounter--is a terrible thing for the victim. Whether the rapist is a stranger, an acquaintance, or your spouse, rape is a tragic event.

But what about unwanted sexual encounters within a relationship that is already defined as consensual non-consent?

First, a few words about CNC. I've noticed some bloggers lately who seem to think CNC means the sub operates without any kind of limits or safeword whatsoever. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but let me be clear that in my CNC relationship, I have a safeword.

If a Dom in a CNC-relationship commands his sub to have sex with him and she obeys, even when she doesn't want to, is that rape? What about when a HoH says he expects his wife to "be sexually available" to him at all times? Isn't that similar to rape? Or the tricky one--when a Dom in a CNC tells his sub he wants sex, and she says no and fights or begs or pleads not to, but he takes it anyway, is that rape?

All of the above situations are similar to rape. They are not legal rape because all of those situations involve consent. Consent is either given at the time (implicitly through obedience) or it has been given earlier (engaging in a CNC relationship). But to take sex from a partner who is unwilling at that time is still, on some level, a rape.

My Dom is understandably uncomfortable with me using the word "rape." This is because he loves me and would never, ever hurt me. He has shown nothing but respect for my safeword when I have felt it necessary to use it.

But when he wants to have sex, and takes it from me even when I may be kicking and fighting or pleading with him not to, this is what I believe the author is referring to in When Rape is a Gift.

Sometimes I don't want to have sex. Sometimes--and this admission will make me unpopular in the BDSM world--I will deny my Dom sex and fight against him. Sometimes I'm too tired or angry. Most of the time, it's because I'm feeling distant and defensive and intimacy is the last thing I want with him right then.

This morning, he took it anyway.

I said no and struggled to get away. He pinned me down. I struggled. I panicked a bit. Eventually, I calmed down and gave in.

I wouldn't advise this for those new to D/s or BDSM. My Dom and I have just recently begun exploring this limit of mine after years of communication and shelving it as a "hard limit." We've talked a lot about it. A lot. And he monitored me carefully the whole time.

"You can use your safeword," he reminded me at the very beginning. (Often, he reminds me of this because if I get panicked enough, I forget I have it. He has now started reminding me at the start of scenes.)

Later, he asked me, "How are you feeling?"

I had no words. I couldn't talk. I wasn't in subspace, but I was acting similarly: words weren't coming to me, I wasn't very in touch with how I was feeling, I wasn't sure what my emotions were. I didn't have that same happy/submissive/floaty feeling, but I couldn't answer.

I just shook my head.

"I need you to talk to me right now," he said gently.

I shrugged. Paused. (Normally he can't get me to shut up, I swear.) "I don't know," I finally came up with (brilliant!).

"Stop. Think. I need you to tell me," he said.

I squinted my eyes and searched the ceiling for an answer. Pause pause pause. He waited patiently. "I'm... okay," I managed.

He told me he loved me. He talked to me, because he knows (after months and years of talking about it, mind you!) that I need that verbal connection to stay engaged.

"I own you," he told me. "Nobody else. I want to own all of you. I'll fight for you. I'll fight to get those pieces back you've been keeping from me." (Have I been keeping pieces? Not intentionally... but he's right.)

Afterward, I cuddled him. As usual, I was full of questions. What did he feel about what had just happened? Had he liked it? Was it good? Was that rape?

"It's not rape," he said, suddenly uncomfortable.

I tried to explain that I didn't mean rape in a bad way; I meant rape in an okay way. He shied away from using that term. Rape seemed to him something done by a bad guy to a victim. He loved me, he insisted (I knew that). He was using sex as a way for us to reconnect because it was best for me, even when I didn't like it (I understood that, too). He didn't like it when I would fight intimacy with him, withholding myself physically and emotionally, creating distance between us. He had overpowered me because he knew it was best for us and our relationship. He was doing his part to lead us, ensuring I didn't hijack our marriage by creating and maintaining distances that weren't supposed to be there.

All this was true. I could have used my safeword at any time if I had had a flashback to abuse or completely flipped out and needed to stop. He was using sex to bring us closer, not tear me down.

And he was right. I did feel closer. I can't claim I liked the sex--or being forced into it--but he broke down my walls. We cuddled afterward. I talked a lot more. I finally felt relaxed and safe, connected to my Dom, not sad and distant and anxious about every little thing. I started the morning with a happy smile on my face. It re-centered me.

In the short term, it may have looked like rape. But in the long term, I had already given my consent to a CNC relationship with this man I knew and trusted. We had worked long and hard and stumbled through many potholes and roadblocks to build the knowledge of each other that allowed him to push past my boundaries safely and sanely.

I didn't like it at the time. But he is the leader of our household and the ultimate decision was his.

Dynamic Needs in D/s

2011-07-18T09:48:00.003-05:00

My husband and I were having another one of our ever-occuring talks about our needs.

These talks are important to me because as time goes by, I get a more defined idea of what my needs are. What do they look like? What do I want? What are my desires? They change slowly, but they do change, so these talks are important for us to remain on the same page and keep our lines of communication open.

We discussed how he's been more commanding and bossy lately. He likes it because he enjoys being in charge and not having to argue with me over every tiny detail. I like it. (pause.) Most of the time. He says I'm starting to follow commands more without even noticing it, skipping the "rebellious phase" without even noticing.

My Dom's leadership style is more of a persuasive, chip-away-at-it. It's not what I naturally prefer. It kind of exhausts me. I'd much prefer him to give me a direct command, and if I have a problem with it, I'll say, "No!" and we can just fight it out right there. That way everything is out on the table, we deal with conflict openly, and there is a clear winner and a clear loser.

For him, this is just needless conflict. Why fight with me when he can just wait patiently and probably either wait my stubborness out or persuade me to see things his way?

I get where he's coming from, but it exhausts me. When I finally give in, I'm never sure if it's because he persuaded me or I just decided to give up and give in. Usually I'm not even aware of whatever he's been doing and I assume he has just been ignoring my disobedience and letting bad behavior slide. Eventually I just give up trying to get a reaction out of him and do whatever it was, feeling exhausted and a little resentful. When I do give in, I feel it's more me being the bigger person and less him being the Dom.

We talked about it in the car. He said his leadership style is simply more persuasive and patient than in-your-face. I said it's hard for me to know if he's ignoring bad behavior because he's passive or because he's just waiting me out. Of course, I tend to assume the worse of the two situations, and then I start thinking along the lines of, He's not dominating me! He's not even noticing me! It's not domination if it only occurs when I feel like submitting!

It's not that I like conflict. But I'd rather deal with it quickly and have a big fight that is over in 30 minutes and has a clearly defined winner and loser, than engage in a long, drawn-out battle of the wills when I'm not even sure he's noticed that I'm disobeying in the first place.

Back to our talk on "needs."

"You like to get your way," I said. "Your need is for me to do what you want."

"Right."

"I like to be made to do something," I said. "I want to know that you have power over me and are stronger than me. My need is to be forced."

"So you're saying you like conflict?" he asked. "You want the drama?"

"No!" I said, starting to feel defensive. "I don't like fighting and I don't always want the drama. But I can't even tell when you're engaged in D/s or not. They feel the same to me. You want me to do what you say. I want to be made. Why can't we have it both ways? You make me, you win, and I do it. We both get what we want."

Now, I don't think this would work all the time. If he had to force me to do his will every time, it would get exhausting for him and be very time-consuming for both of us. It'd be a waste of energy and we'd spend a lot of time fighting. While I think some fighting is good for relationships, too much can get the relationship bogged down with negativity. Also, I know that sometimes I just have to submit. This isn't a one-sided relationship; he has to be dominating sometimes and I have to submit sometimes. One of us can't do all the work.

But I think I'd like a little more active domination. This is what I was trying to explain to him.

"If I do this, is this you topping from the bottom?" he finally asked me. "Because it sounds like the kind of thing that you would worry about later."

I thought that one through for a minute. Finally, I said, "No. I'm not telling you to do it this way. I'm telling you that I think this is a need for me. I'm asking you to do it sometimes. I'm not saying you have to do it all the time."

"Ok," he said. "I'll work on using a leadership style that is easier for you to recognize and work with. Not because you told me to, but because I love you and I want you to be happy. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said. "I understand."

So I'm trying to be more aware of his natural leadership style. That sometimes, when I think he is letting things slide or being too lenient or not engaging, he is really just waiting me out. I'm also learning to not have to fight him on every single thing he tells me to do. If he tells me to walk around the block twice and not just once, I may pout for about 30 seconds, but even I can see the wisdom in this, so I just shrug and say, "Okay" and I do it. And he is learning that when I test him with disobedience or passive resistance, he needs to point it out to me so I know that he knows it's going on. He's not just ignoring it; he's being patient and using his natural leadership style.

We are always learning. Our needs are always changing. And so we are always communicating.

Opening Myself to Pain

2011-07-13T17:27:00.004-05:00

In the BDSM world we have what are called "pain sluts." These are masochists who enjoy pain.

I've never been one of those. I didn't like pain with my sex. I might have liked some domination and humiliation, but pain wasn't really my cup of tea.

This was true when I married my Dom. He didn't really seem interested in hurting me, either.

When I did more research on BDSM and we started trying new things, I was surprised and a little horrified at myself when I started to like humiliation and submission. Who was this new girl? I struggled (and struggle still) with meshing my hitherto-held identity with my new desires. Finding I liked and even craved pain was just another shock for me. Like I said, I'd never been a pain slut or a masochist.

Yet I'm starting to open myself to pain with my Dom. I'd never been interested in it before, so it's hard for me to mesh this new me with the old me. Still, I can't deny that it's happening.

I'm not sure if this is something I would have always liked but only now feel comfortable enough to share with someone, or if this desire is a new part of me.

I don't like pain for its own sake. I don't enjoy the pain when it is happening to me. What I do enjoy is the control the pain makes me feel. At first, I will fight him. I will slap his hand away, try to twist away, whine, or say, "You can't" (a variation of my old "It's my body!" defense that I love to use so much).

But eventually, my body accepts his pain. I will bare myself to him and start to welcome his pain. He is causing me pain. He is master of my pain. He is master of my body. I turn and bare my body to him, inviting, even craving, his pain. Taking his pain is the submission I offer to him. I long for him to hurt me and show us both that he owns me. I wish to be pushed farther. Suddenly, I want him to hurt me more, to own me more completely, to master my body more fully.

This is hard for me to admit to myself.

I don't like the pain if I think he is doing it because I want it. Then it becomes just pain, not control, and no one likes pain for its own sake. I only enjoy it if I feel he is doing it to me, not for me. I want him to enjoy it. I want him to enjoy the control and the pain and the noise I make and the faces I make as I fight the pain. I want him to take it against my will, because that solidifies the control. The domination. The ownership.

So I open myself to his pain.

Tired

2011-07-11T11:00:00.003-05:00

This pregnancy is getting hard again as we get to the end. I'm not sure I can take many more weeks of being this angry version of myself. And my poor Dom....

Sex, I'm finding, is centering for me. It helps me feel happier and normal--more me--afterward. But it is hard to find time to get sex in when we are so busy with his job and then running around getting errands run and the nursery painted and a million things to do.

Suddenly I'm so tired. All the time. I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been pregnant or severely jet-lagged will understand.

As I get more emotional, sleep-deprived, and cranky, I'm finding D/s becomes even more important to me. My emotions are getting out of my control. I need the control. I need him to make sure I am polite to strangers in the store and not a glowering, rude version of myself. I need him to make sure my tone and temper toward him are not getting out of hand. I need him to make sure I do not sit on the couch all day feeling too depressed and overwhelmed to get anything done, and therefore not get anything done. The more my life gets hectic and overwhelming, the more I need the structure and gentle correction of him managing my life.

This will be a new phase for us. We'll see how he does at providing that direction and "gentle correction" when he is busy with a hectic job and emotional, sometimes-volatile wife. And then again when the baby arrives and we are so much busier.

If any of you have children, how did you and your partner navigate through late pregnancy and early parenthood?

The Last Defenses Are Being Taken Down

2011-07-05T17:48:00.005-05:00

My Dom has been taking a lot more power from me lately.

Not just new rules. New training. More commands. More micro-management. More follow-through. Harsher punishments. The commands he does gives are less general, more specific, and therefore more difficult.

Apparently, he has tired of listening to me complain that he wasn't following through and he has actually listened to my complaints and done something about them (darn him!). As he told me, "I realized you blame me for a lot of what goes wrong in our relationship. If I'm going to have the responsibility, then I want the power."

I can still hear me sputtering, "B-- b-- but--!"

Oh, it's what I said I wanted, all right. But it's scary to get it.

In the last few days, he has been more demanding of me. He has taken away my glasses when I wouldn't ask for them and say please and refused to let me get Kleenex when I was flouncing toward them, all attitude and hair-flip and mouth. Sound nit-picky? That's what I said. But he didn't give in.

He has assigned me a 600-word essay on the importance of honesty in our relationship when he caught me refusing to ask for something I needed. (I was practically humming about that one... it was way better than a spanking and actually made me think hard about what kind of person lies to her husband and if I want to be that person.) He has limited the amount of time I can spend working and stressing myself out and added to my punishment when I went over. He has refused to let me flounce away or flee to the bedroom during fights. He has been patient with my mood swings and attitude adjustments and patiently asked for forgiveness when he hurt my feelings or spoke too harshly. He has asked every day if I was doing my devotional and made sure to clarify what things I am to get done when he leaves for work. Basically, he's been very consistent and clear, forgiving when I had an attitude, and insisted on getting his way.

This has been going on for a couple of days in our household. If you were a fly on the wall, here are just some of the things you'd have heard come flying out of my mouth since then:

"You can't!"

"I'm a grown woman!"

"It's my job!"

"It's my body!"

"Don't you think this is a bit nit-picky?"

"You are being a controlling jerk! This is abusive!" (His response? "You are welcome to use your safeword at any time.")

"What next? Are you going to tell me what I can and can't wear and can't eat? Am I going to have to ask to go to the bathroom?"

And in my calmer, more logical moments, "But you said you didn't want to micro-manage me. This is definitely micro-management."

Pleading, foot-stamping, flouncing, testing, wheedling, using logic, even using the Bible... not a bit of it has gotten me any traction. But oh, how freedom struggles when she is shown the door.

You'd think I'd be overjoyed at getting what I wanted, but mostly I've responded the way I respond to any change in our relationship: with anxiety. Is this going to last? Does this mean the same thing to him it does to me? Does this make me a slave? Is he going to get busy or sidetracked or forget? Is he going to disappoint me? Did I really want this in the first place? Can I really let go of all this control? Who will I be if there are no areas left in my own control?

But even I have noticed the changes in my behavior.

"You're fighting me more," he told me today. "But you're also needier. You care more about my approval. You want it. That's a good thing."

I catch myself calling him to (*grimace of self-disgust*) ask his permission about things I wouldn't have a few days ago. I catch myself telling on myself when I haven't followed his instructions instead of just keeping my mouth shut like a smart woman.

But even more telling, I see myself doing what he tells me. I wrote that 600-word essay, except by the time I wrote it, it had been increased to 700 for another minor infraction. I did that devotional, even with my eyes half-closed with sleep. I said please and thank you more. I addressed him with a meeker tone that didn't sound much like the old me.

When we started to fight, I told him why I was angry instead of closing off and refusing to talk. When I started to gather my things and flee, a stern, "Don't leave," made me put them right back down and sit there and talk it out. What could have become hours of me sulking in bed with the lights off and doors locked was reduced to mere minutes of dealing with the problem together.

I even went to him, the cause of so much angst and worry and fighting-for-my-freedom, and crawled into his lap and cried and got cuddled and held. He kissed my forehead and smoothed my hair and told me he loved me. I cried about how scary this was and I didn't like it and why did he have to want so much control? He listened and kissed my hair and held me. He explained why he thinks this will be better for me. He understands my fears and says we will talk about them in a few weeks if they haven't gone away. He says, however, that I cannot opt out of this if my objections are coming from a place of fear instead of a place of true nonconsent.

So right now, I am left feeling scared... desired... a little resentful... confused... worried... and a little bit hopeful.

Selfish Subs?

2011-07-05T17:17:00.003-05:00

Dannah Bridger is a D/s blogger. In her blog Subtypical, she writes about how hard it can be to be a Dominant. The title of her post is "If This is Dominance, I Know Why I'm a Sub."

And how true it is.

My husband and I were lucky because we have never had a D/s or DD relationship with anyone but each other. This means in the past few years we have been navigating this treacherous new road together for the very first time. We've had fights and arguments and tears (on my part), but those are all part of the growing process. If you want to see how hard the ups and downs of becoming a new submissive were for me, you just need to read my blog. Ups and downs, moments of great progress and moments of backsliding.

But it's been hard for my husband, too.

As P. B. Wilson says in her book, Liberated Through Submission, it's hard for a man to be the Head of a Household. It means he has to love me when I'm unlovely. He has to care for me when I am not caring for him. He has to be selfless and Christlike even when I'm being selfish or bratty.

Dannah Bridger had this heart-stopping quote in her post:

All the indignant submissives who insist that a good Dom should make them accountable, provide for them, keep them on track, advise them, push them, make them the best they can be…me, me, me, me, me…ad nauseam.

It stopped my heart because that is totally me. I worry a lot about what my Dom is doing wrong. He should be checking up on me, giving me rules, keeping me accountable, making me a better person, shaping me into a better wife and woman and Christian.

Yesterday, with a weary sigh, he looked at me and asked, "When is any of this your fault?"

A good question. When is it my fault for not giving him submission? For not being honest about my needs so he could make the best decision for us? For testing him? For protecting part of my heart? For witholding part of myself due to lack of trust?

Yes, I want to be conquered more than I want to submit.

But I can't always expect to be the passive sub and have him do all the work. Yes, he has a lot of responsibility that comes with his power. But I shouldn't be a selfish sub and just expect him to work all the time at conquering me without getting anything back.

I'm trying to become less selfish, more loving, and more giving. I'm trying to pack his lunches when he goes to work or ask him if he'd like anything to drink when I'm up. I'm starting to call him to ask how he wants me to spend money or if it's okay if I go over to my mother's house. I'm trying to be less whiny and upset when he has to take a work call or stay at work late. These are small things, but it's a start.

So far, I think he's liking it.

Dannah's post was a great reminder for all of us in power-exchange relationships to appreciate the work our husbands put into us and try to show them, with our words and our deeds and through our submission, that we appreciate it.

Trust Issues

2011-07-04T22:08:00.004-05:00

Trust issues are a major barrier in any relationship, but in D/s they really make things come to a screeching halt. This is because BDSM is so rooted in trust, open communication, and consent. The moment those things disappear, it starts to become abuse.

If you look back at my recent posts, I've really been pondering and researching the subject of submission. How can I be more submissive? What does my pattern of submission look like? How can my Dom make me submit? How can he help me submit easier? What are barriers to submission? Can I be a feminist and a submissive?

Obviously, I was wrestling with this issue. But a post by Neo Dom Tom and a subsequent comment by William, author of Training of My Lovely Slut, made me wonder if the answer could be as simple as trust issues.

Am I struggling with submission in some areas because I don't trust my Dom?

Of course I trust him. He is the most trustworthy man I know. But maybe I don't trust... men? myself? being vulnerable? letting go of control?

It makes sense. Like I said, lack of trust brings domination and submission to a screeching halt. They're simply not possible without total, complete trust.

Perhaps some subs and slaves can't let go of control because they were hurt in the past. I suddenly wondered if that was what was happening to me. Could this explain why I can give submission in most areas but not in all? Why I long for D/s but panic and fight it when my Dom tries to advance his control in one more small area that he didn't have it before? "You can't!" I'll cry. "It isn't fair! I should be able to decide [insert topic here]." I'm full of reasons he shouldn't need or want control in this area. After all, it's so tiny and insignificant!

Never one to throw out a theory until I've considered it, I pondered the issue. If I were having trust issues, what would they be? Why would they have developed? Here are some of the things I have come up with.

I was raised by an emotionally abusive and enmeshed mother. While I was mostly cherished and loved, I learned that love and affection can be taken away at the drop of a hat and replaced by physical and emotional abuse. Sometimes this was due to something I did and sometimes it wasn't. This made me try to control everything around me, including myself, and to develop panic-like anxiety if I wasn't in control. I also learned not to trust happiness because it wouldn't last. I have an anxious personality and I don't feel comfortable when my life is going well and I'm happy because, as one very wise psychologist put it, I'm "always waiting for the other shoe to drop."

When my parents got divorced, I was pretty devastated. I learned the terrible lesson that you can never trust anything, because even 20-year marriages can fall apart. As such, I tend to look at relationships not as, "He's been trustworthy so far; I can relax now" but "I can never relax because even if he's been great for 5 years who knows what will happen in 25!"

After said divorce, I became very, very cautious about relationships. I made sure to date boys who were way more into me than I was them--so I had the control. However, I was in one relationship with a boy who stuck around for 3 years. Slowly over that time, I started opening up to him, but I balked at losing control and falling in love because I didn't trust it. I kept my emotions in control. I stayed cautious. However, he finally convinced me to let go and trust him and commit myself fully. Since he'd been there for three whole years, fighting through all my walls, sticking around through all my tests, I finally started to believe that maybe this guy was the real deal and I could trust him. About that time, he got bored with me and started seeing another girl. He left me and I was devastated. It really solidified my belief that I should never let my walls down with anyone, even after years of proving himself.

When I was older, I started dating a younger man who swore he was in love with me. The more I insisted on being mature, taking it slowly, and being cautious, the more he pursued me and swore up and down that he loved me. When I finally let down my guard with him and took a risk, he stopped talking to me, answering my calls, or calling.

Later, I dated a nice, artistic boy who again declared his love for me. When I level-headedly pointed out that we hadn't been dating very long, he swore it didn't matter and he was in love anyway. I tentatively decided to go out on a limb and trust him and get my emotions and "love" involved. He immediately and without warning decided we should not date anymore, confessed I was right and he was wrong that it was too early for love, and said he just got carried away. Oops.

John and Stasi Eldredge have really hit home with their assertion that women are always worried about being too much. We are told by men and society that we are too needy, too clingy, too obsessive, too jealous, too something. We are too emotional. We should be cool and clear-headed like men. We should think with our heads and not with our hearts.

This really resonates with me because it is so true. I am always worried I will be too much. I will be too needy. Too clingy. Too annoying. I will be too emotional. I will be too draining. Too depressed. Too insecure. Too possessive. Too submissive. Too intense.

My Dom professes to like these things about me. I believe him. Yet, in some deep part of my heart, I keep part of it locked away. I keep the last tiny bit of control from him. Because the world, and society, and especially my experiences and past hurts, have taught me that nothing and no one can be trusted. People will entice you with happiness and then fail you, on accident if not intentionally. They will hurt you. They will promise you the moon and then take it away. They will swear they want all of you and then when you hesitantly open the door, they get overwhelmed and change their minds. They leave you. They hurt you.

In essence, they reject you.

And that is why control is so hard to give up, even after years of TTWD. Because some part of me wants to protect that last, tiny bit of myself. Some part of me feels safer if there are areas I can control. What I wear, how I dress, what I eat, where I work, how I talk, decisions I make, when we have sex. "It's my job! It's my body!" For each sub I'm sure these areas are different, but we all have them: areas where we want to be in control. Areas where we are afraid to let go.

In Defense of Codependency

2011-06-30T09:28:00.004-05:00

I think codependency gets a bad rap these days.

Dauntless Vitality has written a great post about neediness in subs. He says most subs will get from a point of wanting submission and liking these new feelings, to needing it. This is true. Sometimes I need him to control or conquer me even when I don't want it. DV rightly points out that this can be scary for subs. It goes against who we always thought we were. It goes against what society and our families and friends probably value in us, namely, our individuality and sense of independence. It doesn't mean we can't be individual and spunky, but sometimes it's still scary.

Coming to terms with needing a strong man in our lives is scary. It sounds bad. It sounds needy and clingy. It sounds like that dreaded word, codependent.

"Codependent" is like a swear word in psychology circles these days. Counselors and psychologists love to throw that word around. Many will recommend self-help books like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. (I found both books terribly depressing and do not recommend them, by the way).

Codependency is a legitimate illness for many people in relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, or emotional abusers. I am not devaluing their experiences. I think in those instances, counseling and treatment are great options.

But codependency has grown from a problem affecting a specific group of people to a pop psychology byword. Completely untrained friends and family with no background in psychology will pass judgment on you. You worry about what your husband thinks? If your wife is sad, you're sad too? You put your Dom's needs above your own? You don't give your wife complete autonomy and independence? You don't both spend a lot of time with other people? You must be (*dun dun dun*) CODEPENDENT!!! For shame!

Sigh.

Robert Burney describes codependency like this:

Codependence is about giving power over our self-esteem to external conditions
and/or outer forces (including other people).

Ouch. I think most people in a D/s relationship would qualify as codependent, then.

Melody Beattie has a whole list of co-dependent symptoms that don't really apply to D/s, but here are some that do:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

A lot of subs derive their meaning from their Dom--and vice-versa. You wouldn't be a very good Master or Dom if you didn't feel responsible for your sub, actually. Many people in D/s find their identity through their role (sub, HoH, Mistress, slave). Finding your identity in someone else is a big no-no in today's pop psychology world. We are supposed to be independent! Autonomous! We are not ever supposed to put others above ourselves!

Okay, I'm exaggerating. But this is the difference in working through legitimate codependency issues with a trained professional and reading a few pop-psychology books and considering yourself an expert. Not only is this popular new battle cry of "Independence in marriage!" not very Christlike, it's doesn't sound like a good marriage--even a vanilla one.

A counselor once told me I was codependent. I didn't know what that meant, but I dutifully bought and read Beattie's book, Codependent No More. For the record, I am not the child of an alcoholic or drug addict, and in fact was raised in a stable middle-class home. The book basically just made me feel guilty for being a people-pleaser and caring too much about what people think. It made it seem like I should be selfish and insist on my own independence, even in a healthy relationship. I think it had some wise pointers for me to avoid getting sucked into an abusive relationship, but now that I'm in a marriage with a loving, Christian man who cares about me deeply... the book just makes me feel needlessly guilty for finding my identity primarily through him/us and for giving control of my life to him.

And isn't that what TTWD is?

If you want to read more, check out William Harley, Jr.'s controversial article, How the Co-Dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages. It's taken a lot of heat on the internet with people defending the codependency movement (of course), but Harley's work stands alone as a scathing criticism of pop-psychology codependence.

He Trains Me Because He Loves Me

2011-06-27T20:07:00.004-05:00

A few days ago, my Dom put me into subspace with just a few words.

I was so impressed by this that I felt the need to write a blog about it.

I feel close to him when he gives me a new rule or talks to me about my training. It gives me a dreamy, safe feeling just like subspace. It's really sexy to me and I can quickly descend into subspace from there.

On the other hand, I don't get all subby and dreamy just based on any words. He can give me a general command, like to go pack his lunch or to quit whining or just something he wants done that day. They don't really do much for me. Oh, I understand they do something for our relationship, like giving me practice submitting and showing his dominance in little ways, but they generally make me scowl or whine before doing them, not get dreamy and turned on.

Obviously, we're still working on the submitting part and we still have a ways to go on the submitting with a good attitude part.

But when he gives me a new rule, or discusses my training with me, I find it very sexy. When we wrote out our CDD rules a few years ago, I was so turned on by the end I thought I would die. (Of course, the actual implementation of those rules was way less sexy in real life!)

Why do I get dreamy and see him as my Prince Charming?

I think it's because he's engaging in our relationship. He's showing initiative and leadership. I like both those things. They make me respect him more. And respect, in my experience, breeds love and intimacy, not to mention goodwill and attraction. When he tells me a new rule, answers all my questions about it firmly and without backing down, and already has a plan in place to discipline me if I don't obey it in a certain amount of time, I feel loved and cherished. This means he put time and thought into coming up with a boundary. This means he loves me and cares about me as a person, because he has taken the time to analyze my weaknesses and devise a plan to tackle it. This means he is showing active leadership, loving me and leading me into a better marriage for us and a better life for me. He hasn't waited for me to say, "I noticed I've been gossiping a lot lately; I really need to stop." Instead, he has paid attention to me on his own, noticed some stumbling block in my own development or my relationship with God or him or someone else, and all on his own decided I was important enough for him to step in and steer things in a more positive direction.

I really can't imagine being more loved and cherished than that.

Sense of Humor Required

2011-06-26T19:57:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, my husband is able to give me so much grace in our relationship. Lately, even when I test and struggle, he ~~always~~ usually engages and wins. I'm starting to struggle against him less. We're starting to have more peace in our relationship. I respect him more and our sex life is better than I ever thought it would be.

Even so, D/s in real life isn't the same as D/s in fantasy. Grace and forgiveness are still needed.

Let's just say his sense of humor still comes in handy.

Today, we had a great, amazing, awesome scene. As he left for work, adoring wife hanging on his neck and even packing his lunch for him, he smiled and said goodbye. "Goodbye, my little tester," he chuckled. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I know myself well enough to know that after we've delved into new and deeper levels of submission, the next day I tend to test him more. It's not that I mean to, but it happens. Apparently, he knew, too.

"You know?" I asked, looking slightly ashamed.

He just smiled. "That's what makes this real," he said.

I pondered how true that was. D/s the way you read about it on the internet and in erotica makes it seem so easy and seamless. The sub walks around in perpetual subspace and the Dom always demands--and gets--perfect obedience. They just waltz from flogging to training to commands to orgasm, a kinky merry-go-round without end.

But in real life, things can look different. I'll get mouthy. I'll get depressed and anxious. He'll be tired or forget to punish a "test." I'll accuse him of being inconsistent. He'll accuse me of not submitting. We have to work at TTWD.

It's real-life, 24/7. It takes work. It takes mistakes.

Mistakes take grace and a sense of humor.

Today, he gave me a new rule. I'm to do devotional time, 10 minutes a day, 5 days a week. On the weekends, I'm to write a devotional journal.

I like this rule. This is the routine I had when I was a new Christian, and it worked well for me. I tend to get flighty and not pay attention in church, but I flourish with routines and written communication and taking notes.

I like the basic rule, but I don't like the loss of freedom implied in a "rule."

"Is this a rule?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Can it not be a rule? I used to do it on my own," I reasoned.

"It has to be a rule. If it's not a rule, you won't do it and I won't be able to discipline you for it."

Fine. Maybe this could be a "rule" in name only with nothing to back it up. I checked to see. "Will you punish me if I don't do it?" I asked.

"Yes."

I started to pout. My lower lip actually protruded. "Whyyyy?" I whined.

He grinned. "So I can give you something to whine about," he chuckled.

As he intended, this stopped me mid-whine. I started to laugh. He was right. My whining was not going to change anything and it would probably just get old for both of us. Luckily, my man knew how to use humor to diffuse the situation.

Suddenly, I didn't want to whine or complain. I felt cared about and protected. Dominated. Safe. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted sex! (This never happened before we started full-time D/s.) This man next to me suddenly seemed very sexy and powerful. He was looking out for me. He was giving me boundaries. Gulp.

I rely on his strength. On his consistency. On his domination and security. But I also rely on his grace. On his forgiveness. On his sense of humor. On his ability to see past the serious and find the laughter.

That is why we make a good team.

Men Never Feeling Hot

2011-06-26T18:53:00.002-05:00

I just read the article Of Never Feeling Hot: The Missing Narrative of Desire in Straight Men's Lives by Hugo Schwyzer.

It was pretty amazing.

He's a straight guy blogging about sex. One important thing he said was that a lot of straight men are never seen as desired. Women are seen as desirable, sexual objects who are physically attractive to men, and gay men are, too, but not straight men. They are seen as being judged by their character and achievements, but physically they are taught that, unless you look like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, women are never going to desire your body for physical reasons alone. I think this is shockingly true.

In our culture, we're raised to see men as valuable, but not desirable. The average male (not the Brad Pitts of the world, who are a very small minority) is valued for his work, his achievements, his stability and strength, but rarely his looks. The women in his life may make him feel that they appreciate how they can rely on him, how he provides for them, and how he loves them, but society rarely teaches us to show him how hot he is. Sexually, he may know how it feels to be appreciated for how good he makes her feel, but probably not just for being physically desired.

Most men do not look like Brad Pitt. Even the few who do will inevitably age and lose their looks. Certainly, a man's character and heart are far more important than just his looks. But we women, while we want to be seen as smart and successful and funny, also must admit that we love to be told how pretty or beautiful or hot we are. I love it when my husband compliments my body or how I look in a particular dress. Then why do we not reciprocate?

Do you let your husband know when he looks hot? When you want him sexually, not just because you're feeling "in the mood" anyway but because he inspires you to be horny? When you find him desirable and irresistable?

And if not, why not?

Disciplining Your Wife

2011-06-25T17:12:00.000-05:00

I get tired of websites that decry Christians being involved in BDSM or DD. I think when it comes to BDSM, other Christians are offended both by the kinky-sex element and the inequality inherent in D/s and power-exchange relationships. When it comes to DD, CDD, and Taken in Hand, other Christians are offended by the idea of power exchange, especially discipling your wife.

I've dealt before with the issue of being Christian and having kinky sex. I don't see a cognitive dissonance between the two. Within marriage, I don't think God dictates that couples only enjoy vanilla sex.

I'll deal today with the second issue common to both BDSM and CDD: wifely discipline. You can find this topic addressed in Jewish, Christian, and Muslim religious traditions.

Any site you'll ever read for or against Christians disciplining their wives will quote that all-famous and ubiquitous verse, Ephesians 5:21-27. If you don't know it, here it is:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5 clearly states that a woman doesn't need to submit to every man, but to her own husband. Yet advocates of egalitarian Christian marriages will try to invalidate Ephesians 5 by saying this means the man and woman are more or less equal, but perhaps he gets the final decision if they just can't agree, sort of like a 51/49 power relationship. While men and women are certainly equal in abilities, worth, and before God, this verse in no way makes them equal in power while on earth. A 51/49 relationship sounds nice, but it completely ignores that tricky quote, "wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Even the little stuff. Even if she doesn't want to. Even if they can't agree. So Biblically, I just don't think you can make a sound argument for a 49/51 power split. The man is in control, all the time. And with it comes a lot of responsibility to love your wife and create her to be a better Christian, "without stain or wrinkle."

Other Christians will try to explain away Ephesians 5 by saying that verse 21, "Submit to one another," means that God is looking for a 50/50, equal partnership. I argue that takes the quote completely out of context and ignores the following part. Rather, Paul is introducing his topic (submission). He then goes on to explain in great detail exactly how we are to submit: wives to their husbands in everything, children to their parents, and slaves to their masters.

What a lot of people don't realize is that Ephesians 5 is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other verses that clearly put the husband in charge of the wife. My Dom always says that troughout the Bible, God loves heirarchies. The angels are in heirarchies. The Israelite society has heirarchies. The Israelite army works in heirarchies. Families work in heirarchies. The chain of command goes like this: God, husband, wife, children.

Let's go beyond Ephesians 5 and see what other parts of the Bible have to say.

In Genesis 3:16, God said to Eve:

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Other translations say, "he will rule you" (GWT), "he will be your master," (BBE) or "he will have dominion over thee" (DRB). The meaning is clear.

In Titus 2:4, Paul gives women many instructions, including "to be subject to their husbands."

In Colossians 3:19, Paul tells wives:

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Like in Ephesians, he then follows it with a reminder of the man's responsibility to love her and treat her well. Nowhere in the Bible is submission a free gift; it does come with responsibility!

If you want to make the argument that Ephesians, Titus, and Colossians are all written by that misogynist Paul, I offer you a quote from Peter, another leader of the early church and Jesus' best friend. Peter 3:1-5 says:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands...For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.

Paul here is referring to Genesis 18:12, where Sarah calls Abraham adon, the Hebrew word for lord, master, or owner. It's difficult for proponents of egalitarian Christian marriage to explain away how the words lord, master, and owner can be interpreted the same as husband--but they try because it's no longer politically correct to think of your husband as your master or owner.

I think it's interesting that in ancient Jewish culture, the endearment husbands used to refer to their wives, achoth and rayah, literally meant "sister" and "beloved female companion," respectively, while adon comes from a root meaning to rule, and can also mean a soveriegn, a Divine or human controller, or a lord, master, or owner. One clearly had the meaning of power and authority, while the other did not, though both were loving terms.

If you're curious what other religious traditions have to say about discipline, both the Jewish Bible (aka Christian Old Testament) and Koran mention discipline.

I've already quoted the Hebrew Bible when it comes to Genesis. It gives husbands the right to nullify their wives' vows or forbid them from fulfilling a vow in Numbers 30:6-8, a clear indication of their power in the relationship. In Deuteronomy 22:28-29 and Exodus 22:16, a man who raped a maiden had to pay her father a dowry and marry her; in essence, he bought her from her father and she became his. The Hebrew Bible also compares Israel to God's wife and shows Him disciplining her, both physically and emotionally. One example I love (because it speaks mostly of God's forgiveness and mercy) of God's metaphorical "marriage" to Israel is Hosea 2, where He disciplines her until she repents and returns to Him, and then showers her with love:

“Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.
Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.
I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.
Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’

These verses speak of God disciplining His wife, stripping her of privileges and punishing her until she has no choice but to return to Him, repentant. But the story ends happily; later in the same chapter, Hosea 2:14-19 says:

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.

...I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Just like every CDD and DD site says, the point of discipline in this Judeo-Christian text is to rebuke and exhort, teach a lesson, get rid of the negative, sinful behavior, and replace it with godly behavior. It's not just abuse. The end goal is reconciliation with God and husband.

In the Islamic faith, the Koran clearly gives husbands the right to discipline their wives in although other verses also clarify that husbands must not be abusive and must be loving to their wives. Here's Sura 4:34:

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them first. Next, refuse to share their beds, and last beat them; but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means of annoyance: For Allah is Most High, great above you all.

The theme of discipline in marriage is just one I've been exploring and researching lately. Just because people in these cultures follow (or followed) these traditions doesn't mean everyone has to, but it's worth taking a look at where these concepts came from and how they are practiced today.

How to Start Your Own Sub Training

2011-06-21T15:20:00.005-05:00

In my earlier post on sub training, I stated that I think it's best if a Master creates his own training program for his wife. Whether you call it rules or training, it makes sense for you to have control over what changes your wife makes and how she acts when in service to you.

You should take into consideration many things when creating a training program.

How will the training program be completed?

Will you write down a list of rules? Will both of you sign a contract? Will you give her a general topic to work on and research herself and report back to you, or will you do the research yourself and then teach it to her? Will your training program be printed, like worksheets and instructions kept in a folder, or verbal? Or, will you use email and blogs to send her assignments and receive her responses?

Will you use an online training program (such as Master David's or Gorean rules) or slave training manual (such as Miss Abernathy's or Master Nage's books) as a template, or create your own training from scratch? While these resources or the 128 Basic Slave Rules may be a good place to get ideas, they mostly apply to the leather or M/s community, and I encourage you to create your own specific training program that is tailored to the needs of your sub and your plans for your marriage together.

How long will the training program take?

Training is ongoing, since I've never heard of a sub that completely stopped testing limits, even in 20-year relationships. However, the idea is that initial training should be more rigorous to help your sub un-learn old habits and really solidify newer, positive ones. Then you can just keep maintaining the training she's already learned and adding new components as necessary.

For each specific goal, you need to decide how long you want training to take. Depending on how difficult a task is, your slave's personality, and how ingrained her old habits are, this could be weeks or months. Make the easier, simpler skills have a shorter "due date" than the more difficult ones. Having a set timeline is important; this ensures that when life gets busy, you don't both just stagnate and let the training stall indefinitely.

How will you keep tabs on her progress?

You'll need to keep tabs on her progress each day and week. I'd advise daily check-ins for some things (either tasks she completes daily, or that she struggles a lot with) and weekly for others. How often will you check in with her? How will you keep tabs? Will she email you her progress, including rules she's broken, or keep a private blog for you? Will she keep a journal or create a slave training folder for you to read? Will she text you throughout the day with her progress? Will you set a time each night to discuss it together?

What kind of person do you want her to be?

Since you are the Dom, you have ultimate say in what goes into her training and what doesn't, no matter what online sub training and DD websites say or don't say you should do. Look at your wife. What aspects of her personality are really great and should be kept? Which ones are negative and should definitely go? Which personality traits, skills, talents, and dreams does she have that maybe she is too afraid or shy or unaware to develop herself, and how can you help her develop them?

What kind of person does God want her to be?

I can't stress enough that, at least for people who adhere to a specific religion, it matters far less what kind of person you want her to be than who God wants her to be. For Christians, her relationship with Christ is the most important one of her life. He created her, He knew her before you knew her, He made her the person she is today, and only He can take care of her should you leave this world before she does. When she dies, she'll do it alone with only Him to help her.

When creating a training program, if you are a Christian, you must take into account Biblical commands and guidance. It doesn't matter how much you want her to be in a gang bang, because the Bible is clear that's not okay. Look at the Bible to see what kind of person God wants her to be. Does she struggle with common sins, such as worry, gossip, drunkeness, idleness, etc.? If you're going to lead her to be more like Christ, you have to know your Bible and you have to make sure your training aligns with it.

What kind of person does she want to be?

She's given you a great honor by giving you authority over her. Respect her wishes. What kind of woman does she want to grow into, under your guidance?

What is good and healthy for her and your relationship?

Many Doms will include emotional and physical health in training. Physically, does she need to exercise, stop smoking, or eat better? Does she need to eat more or less? Does she have a history of eating disorders?

Emotionally, does she have any past issues that are hindering your relationship together? Many women come to marriages scarred by past emotional or physical abuse. This may manifest in unhealthy behaviors such as lack of trust, emotional withdrawl, insecurity or jealousy, the silent treatment, or a nasty temper.

Everyone has self-defense mechanisms we use as a response to past hurts and to protect ourselves from being hurt again. In a marriage, those self-defense strategies often have the unintended effect of closing down communication. What self-defense mechanisms does your wife use? Silent treatment? Sulking? Criticizing? Yelling? Blaming? Closing off emotionally? Be aware of them and use training as a way to break down those bad habits and open the doors for increased intimacy and communication.

Can you stay consistent?

Don't even bother starting training if you aren't going to have time for it. If you're too busy at work or tend to be the kind of guy who forgets to follow through and lets things slide, this isn't for you. If you can't provide clear-cut guidelines for her and maintain daily or periodic check-ups to monitor her progress and provide feedback, correction, punishment, and encouragement, you'll just send the message that your relationship and her training aren't important to you.

Let me say it again: If the rules aren't important enough to enforce, they aren't important enough for you to make them in the first place.

How will you provide feedback, positive reinforcement, and consequences?

Will you provide feedback verbally, via email, text, blog, letter, or a mixture? How often will you give her feedback? It's also a good idea to set up specific "mini-goals" within each goal. For instance, if your goal is for her to be sexually available to you 100% of the time within a month, you might set a mini-goal that you will surprise her with a sexual request every 3 days at first. Eventually, you can increase your demands until you reach your all-the-time goal.

If she reaches her mini-goals, what positive reinforcement will she get? This can be as simple as praise or something more concrete like a gift from you. (I know one slave who receives a symbolic charm for each training element she successfully completes.) If she doesn't reach her mini-goals and long-term goals, what will the punishment be? It's important to set it out for her so she knows in advance what to expect.

How will you meausure each specific goal?

Goals have to specific. Something like, "In 1 month, you will be more respectful to me," is impossible to measure and therefore impossible to know if the training was successful. If you want her to improve in the area of respect, for example, make it something specific, such as, "You will not use insulting names to refer to me" or "You will keep your tone respectful in front of the children." Be specific about what exactly you want to see change. Also, make sure you can measure a goal. "You will be sexually available to me" is not measurable, but "You will be available for anal sex each night before bed" is. At the beginning, you may reward her for 80% success, but as training continues, she should get to 90 and then 100%.

How will you keep training ongoing?

Once the initial training is complete, you can't just expect her to never make a mistake again. Sometimes she will forget and make a mistake. And sometimes she will test you on purpose. Don't let all your hard work be for nothing by letting her slack off once the training is complete. You still need to make sure she is staying true to the new behaviors she's learned by communicating with her, letting her know when you see a problem, and providing immediate correction if she slips up.

*********************************

If you consider all these areas before you start your sub training, you'll have a good foundation to build upon.

I'm not going to tell you what rules you should make for your slave, because I don't know you or your slave. However, these are some general areas you should consider before designing your training program.

Training a Sub

2011-06-19T14:25:00.001-05:00

The phrase "training a slave" or "training a sub" always gets my Dom's goat. I think he sees it distasteful, like training a dog or a horse. Obviously, a slave is not a dumb animal.

I try to look at it more as "training" that we might encounter in our jobs or in the workplace. Training is a way our bosses make sure we are on the same page with the rest of the company: we know how to do things according to company policy, we understand how this particular job needs to be done, and we get familiar with what's expected of us by our bosses.

In D/s, some people also call this "breaking a slave." You can think of it as similar to training a horse, which is a beautiful, intelligent animal that also happens to be wild and fierce when unbroken. I think women are much the same way.

According to Submissive Guide:

Training is meant to adjust the slave’s core attitudes and behaviors to be more in tune with the Master. It certainly seems that as slaves, we do pass a point where the major force of our resistance and self-defensive mechanisms, the shell, is broken, and we enter a state of pliancy and moldability for our owners.

The training we undergo is also a from of breaking in. You will be told what is expected of you, learn the right and wrong way to go about certain tasks and anything else that the Master wishes to enhance or downplay in your manner or behavior. [emphasis mine]

Training is simply another word for learning or education. In a very simple sense, it could be considered "training" when my Dom tells me he wants me to get him a cup of coffee in the morning and to soap him down in the shower. These are behaviors I didn't use to do, so I have to practice them and he has to make sure I don't slip back into my old habits. A more complex form of training would be teaching me to submit to sex whenever he requests it or to submit to anal sex for a sub who says that's a limit.

Luna K gives a good example of training a sub: Perhaps your Dom wants you to receive your punishments in silence, without crying or speaking or moving. If your natural tendency is to fight, beg, scream, or cry, he'll have to train you to exhibit the behavior he prefers.

If your Master has preferences on how you will speak, dress, or act, that's training. If he has preferences on how he wants his dinner prepared every time, that's training. It's simply learning what he wants and changing your behavior to fit that.

It is important to note that training doesn't mean you wipe away your sub or slave's personality. You aren't creating a different person; you are simply teaching new, positive behaviors and eradicating old, negative ones. For instance, my Dom likes that I am playful and cheeky; he does not want to train me into a mindless, silent slave, but he does want me to be obedient and respectful while maintaining my spirit and wit. This requires him to train me, showing me which of my natural behaviors he wants me to express freely and which negative or self-destructive ones he wants me to outgrow.

There are on-line training programs, but I think it's better if each Master devises his own training program for his wife. This way, training is unique to each couple and guaranteed to be worth the work. There's no point spending time learning rules and behaviors that neither of you really care about, while possibly skipping some new behaviors that your Master would really like you to learn.

It's important to remember that training takes work on the part of both people. Deciding upon rules and behaviors, planning a training program, deciding how long to give each goal and how to measure each goal's success or failure, plus providing rewards and consequences for new behaviors is a lot of work. Please note that if you are going to train a sub, you must be entirely consistent. You cannot set forth a training program and then forget to check your sub's progress along the way and expect her to come out successful. You must be willing to be engaged in every step of the process, oversee how her training is going each day, and provide constant feedback and correction.

My Pattern of Submission

2011-06-17T13:58:00.003-05:00

I'm becoming aware of a pattern I have that allows me to either sink into subspace, and acquiese sexually to my Dom in the bedroom, or that keeps me from letting go of that last bit of mental control and submitting fully.

As I understand it, here's the pattern:

Top-space. This is the normal, vanilla headspace where I live most of my life. Here, I am more independent and free-thinking, although I still submit to my husband at times.

Relaxation. As an abuse survivor, it is hard for me to relax before sex. Even when I want sex. My tendency is to get tense. I try to take deep breaths and focus, but it isn't in my control. My Dom will often do things to help me relax, such as talking to me, reminding me to breathe and relax, or stroking me soothingly. If those still don't work, he can usually get me to relax by distracting me (making me focus on pleasing him, for instance) or making me feel physically controlled (by tying me up, handcuffing me, pinching my nipples, choking me, or forcing his fingers down my throat).

Desire to Be Hurt. Once I am finally relaxed or distracted, I am often struck by an inexplicable desire for him to hurt me. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this admission! But instead of desiring physical pleasure (which is, I guess, what society says I am "supposed" to feel after I relax and before sex), I long to be hurt. I wish he would choke me, or torture my nipples, or pull my hair. I want him to make me in service to him and I want him to demonstrate his power over me. I also want to know that he wants to hurt me.

Being Hurt. If he hurts me, my pain will increase at first, and then decrease without explanation. Suddenly, my body releases endorphins and I descend into a much deeper relaxation than before. I start to float toward subspace, and hover just outside it.

Being Pushed. I usually just need one more big shove at this point to put me into subspace. I'll hover there, expectant and longing. He can do many things to give me this "big push." He can talk to me, telling me how he owns me. This is more a mental domination. Or he can hurt me more, which is especially effective if he also tells me how much he enjoys hurting me and how much it turns him on, and if he forces me to explain to him how much I am hurting. This is both pain-based and mental domination. Either the dirty talk or the pain, in a large enough dose, will give me that big push I need to enter into full submission.

Wanting Pleasure. In this level, I'm in subspace and I am greedy to experience everything he has to offer. I could lie there happily and take hours and hours of pain or pleasure (or both!). Here, pain no longer registers as pain and usually feels very sexual and pleasurable. I can take much higher doses of pain in this stage as well, and am often disappointed because he'll stop when "Topspace me" would be maxed out, but well before "Subspace me" is done.

Wanting to Serve. Once my greedy submissive desires have been sated, I also want to serve him. I am still in subspace, but now I'm feeling how much I love him and how grateful I am for all that delicious pain and pleasure he's just given me. In this stage, I'll do completely un-"Topspace me" like things like beg to serve him sexually, draw him a bath, or make him lunch. Usually, he has to force me to do these things!

Floating Down. Once we're done in the bedroom, I still feel submissive to him for several hours afterward. I stick to him like glue in public, get up to get him drinks or snacks, and worry a lot more about how he wants me to wear my hair, makeup, or clothes. Again, in Topspace, I'm more independent than this, so he thoroughly enjoys it!

Subdrop. The sad epilogue of a truly great scene. After I come floating off of my subspace cloud, I long to re-start the process (which is easier to jumpstart from Stage 8 than Stage 1) and feel it again. If we don't have time or he is at work, I eventually get sad and mopey. I long to feel subspace again. Sometimes I'll get emotional and grouchy, or test him to try to get my "submissive high" again.

Normal Topspace. Eventually, I go back to normal, which is basically Stage 1.

This pattern may be something other subs experience or it may not; it is, however, definitely the stages as I've noticed I go through them. It only really applies to sexual submission, as outside the bedroom I can easily get him lunch or do his laundry while still in top-space.

If there is a breakdown at some stage of the pattern (usually Stage 2, 3, or 4 are the places we get stalled), it's impossible for me to get into subspace or be that willing sexual submissive he wants me to be. It may be because of my history; an inability to relax before sex or feel pleasure without being dominated and hurt can definitely hijack the normal process of sexual arousal. Yet I know many kinksters who prefer sex with pain and/or domination, so I don't think it can be 100% attributed to an abusive past.

Either way, I'm not sure why I do TTWD, but this is what works for me.

Barriers on the Road to Surrender

2011-06-16T13:10:00.007-05:00

Subs may hit road bumps on the way to submission. Whether your immediate goal is getting her to subspace, punishing her, or simply getting her to relax, you will doubtless hit these bumps in the road. Sometimes they are small bumps, things that you notice but don't really hinder the journey. Sometimes they are full-on barriers in the road and you have to stop the car and remove the barrier before you can keep driving.

Some barriers are doubtless in your slave's control. Some of them are probably not; these are the instinctual, emotional, or even habitual responses. Eventually, these can become unlearned, but that will take training and consistency on your part.

Here are some things that can hinder subs from fully submitting:

Fear. This is at the root of all the other barriers! Whether a sub is stubbornly telling you no, swearing her remorse if you stop caning her, or putting distance between you, they all stem from fear. The question is, what is she afraid of? She may be afraid of being seen as a doormat, being judged, being too sexual, losing her self-identity, being too needy, or any number of things. Sometimes she may not consciously know unless you ask her and make her think about it.

Stubborness. This is definitely within a sub's control, and represents a basic failure on her part to allow herself to feel "loss of self". You can point out what she is doing and encourage her to let go of herself a bit and acquiese to you.

Embarrassment. It is almost impossible to relax enough to surrender to another person if a sub is feeling embarrassed, because embarrassment focuses on yourself ("What do I look like? How am I being perceived?") instead of the other person. It is a natural reaction, but one your sub will have to get over to reach fuller submission. You may want to reassure her, distract her, or simply focus her attention back to you.

Self-consciousness. This is related to embarrassment. If a sub is struggling with insecurity and self-consciousness, it's going to be difficult for her to go into subspace or reach that level after a punishment where she completely surrenders. When my Dom brings my focus back to him, or causes me pain to distract me, it helps me forget about feeling self-conscious.

Anger. Feeling angry means she's feeling wronged somehow, whether rightly or wrongly. She may feel you are being unfair or unkind. If she is focusing on how wrong you are and how right she is, this gives her a sense of moral power and judgment over you. You may need to talk through the problem and listen to her feelings and validate them. Even if you do not change your original stance (and often you shouldn't!), simply letting her know you understand her feelings and that you have taken them into consideration can help.

False apologies. This happens a lot right before or during a punishment. Subs will complain and holler, "Not fair!" and come up with a million excuses why they shouldn't be punished and a million ways they will never do it again. Especially if the punishment hurts, she may start apologizing profusely before she means it. I will say that for me, false apologies are not an attempt to be dishonest or lie to my Dom. However, when I'm in so much pain that I'll do anything to stop it, the, "I'm sorries!" just come flying out without me thinking about them because I am desperate to make the pain--which I am honestly sure I could not handle one more ounce of--stop. One solution to this is training in overcoming pain barriers; another is waiting to see if she still demonstrates an actual attitude change once the pain stops.

Emotional distance. This is a weapon many women have learned when physically overpowering you is impossible. You are bigger and stronger, so you can control her body, but she can shut you out of her mind. This is her attempt to keep some power. Symptoms include sulking, avoiding eye contact, not answering questions, and getting quiet and withdrawn. She may do it when she is overloaded or overwhelmed. Emotional distance is poison for a relationship because it impedes communication, which is vital for reconciliation. Dr. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and its presence in a relationship makes you more vulnerable to divorce.

Abuse triggers. Things that remind her of past abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, will garner intense physical reactions from her that she probably can't control. She may go completely numb and unmoving, or she may fight you like a tiger. She is not reacting to you; she is reacting to the situation. Abuse victims cannot usually control their reactions; their brains simply react to a perceived threat. Communication is key to understand what her triggers are, why those are triggers, and so that you can recognize the signs. You can also work to devise a plan to work past those triggers or make them less intense when they do occur.

Wait! I didn't add pain to the list! While it is possible for physical pain to jolt a sub out of subspace, it is interesting to note that pain can actually serve to put a sub into subspace. Once my Dom has gotten me to clear my mind and relax, it is often only a centering jolt of pain that I need to send me into subspace. I call it "centering" because it forces all other thoughts and concerns out of my head, and I focus only on one thing. It also makes me go into subspace easier because I find it sexy that he has power over me.

Let's go back to the subject of which of these "barrier to submission" are in your sub's control and which are not. Some are probably conscious choices she makes; others are subconscious decisions she makes and you may need to point out exactly what she's doing before she will realize it and correct the mistake. For instance, I know if I'm being stubborn. It's a conscious choice I make, and I deserve it when my Dom punishes me for it. On the other hand, I often don't realize when I start to bring myself out of subspace because I'm getting embarrassed about acting "too submissive," or when I am forgetting to make a verbal request because I assume he'll read my body language. In those cases, once he points it out to me, I realize what I'm doing and can make the choice to change my behavior.

Other barriers, however, are not in her control. A sub who has been abused cannot control panic attacks brought on by triggering that event. Telling her to relax in that situation will not do any good, because the truth is she can't relax. However, even the most instinctive reactions can be unlearned, with slow and careful navigation on your part, lots of communication, and patience as you train her body to un-learn old reactions and learn new ones.

One reason I like the BDSM idea of "training" over the idea of just going straight to discipline is that it gives the sub time to understand what reactions she is having, how they are affecting the relationship, and what the Dom would prefer she do instead. Training can include punishment, but it is often the final resort, and first the couple is expected to communicate. If my Dom tells me what he wants me to learn, why it's important, and how he wants me to learn it, that gives me time to adjust to a new and unfamiliar pattern of behavior under his guidance and tutorage. He can guide me through days and weeks of learning the new behavior, and punishment is a final resort rather than his first answer to everything.

Women Are Willful

2011-06-16T10:00:00.000-05:00

Women are willful. Willfulness leads to being headstrong. Being headstrong leads to testing limits. Testing limits leads to disobedience. Disobedience leads to punishment. Punishment leads to submission. Submission leads to compliance. Compliance leads to harmony. -ObdurateDemand from Fet

Ok, so I'm not saying that all women are willful. They're not. But this quote definitely applies to me. :)

I am willful. Sometimes I get really testy when my Dom tries to give me orders. Get your own darn coffee! flashes through my head. I scowl and avoid eye contact. I get a little furrow between my eyes.

He says it's because I'm stubborn. I say it's because I'm still fighting years of cultural indoctrination.

We're probably both right.

For my marriage, D/s is what helps us smooth those wrinkles away from my forehead. Maybe I'm really comfortable right then. Maybe I'm really into my book. He definitely has two working arms and a healthy set of legs; he could get his own coffee!

But when it comes down to it, we have this unwritten contract that we've both agreed to. So we could sit there and scowl at each other forever, and bicker over who should get up to get the coffee. But in the end, I'm going to lose because I agreed to let him have the power, and I furthermore (foolishly???) agreed that if I disobeyed, he could punish me.

And I hate being spanked.

Really, really hate it. It doesn't make me feel sexy. It's not erotic. It doesn't make me feel contrite and remorseful.

It enfuriates me.

So I have no one to blame but myself when I end up getting up in the middle of what I'm doing, and getting his coffee.

And then, inexplicably, I feel happy that he made me. Apparently what I was doing wasn't so important that I couldn't stop for 10 seconds to pour a mug of coffee. (But it seemed like it at the time!)

Let's explore the cause-and-effect pattern proposed in the quote above.

Willful/headstrong -->Testing Limits.

Do I test limits? You betcha. I'm lucky to have a Dom with a great sense of humor. He knows--because we've talked about it many times--that when I test, it's not to annoy him. It's because I'm trying to make sure that my boundaries are safe. Is he still just as committed to our relationship? Is he going to put forth the effort to enforce those rules he gave me? Is he still stronger than me? Am I still safe with him?

Sometimes it does annoy him, sure. But usually his sense of humor kicks in and he is able to identify my behavior, point it out to me, and stay pretty level about it.

Testing Limits --> Disobedience.

Guilty again. Sometimes, if my preliminary tests to the "fence" that he keeps around our relationship indicate that perhaps the fence is failing because its keeper is busy at work, not in the mood, or not noticing my tests because he's otherwise engaged, I get anxious. I see that fence as keeping the bad out and the good in. He protects me and us and he keeps me in line. Fence down! Fence down! Fence down! I start to panic a bit and I attack the fence with renewed fervor. I want him to engage and fix the fence, or let me out of the fence where I can protect myself.

Disobedience --> Punishment.

This is where his part comes in. He has the choice here to engage, wrestle me back into submission, and restore harmony to our relationship, or to take the easy way and be passive, letting me have my way and putting us back into an equal-power relationship. Being a Dom can be hard work.

Punishment --> Submission.

It doesn't matter what the punishment is. In DD and CDD, it is usually a spanking. In D/s and M/s it can be any negative consequence, including spanking, but I've also heard of corner time, long talks about the negative behavior, canings, or loss of priveleges like the computer or other favorite hobbies. I've heard of Doms who assigned homework or a paper on what the negative behavior was. For really bad stuff, some women lose their collars or their entire D/s relationship.

Does that sound like consequences you'd give a kid? Yep. A common complaint I've heard from Christians against DD and CDD is that the man is infantilizing the woman. To some extent, this might be true. But it's hard to imagine a man having authority and giving rules without having the means to back them up. And I'm yet to come up with a way to punish someone for misbehavior that isn't at least similar to the punishments you'd give a child or teenager. In the Bible, God punishes people for rebellion and sin, yet no one thinks He was treating the Israelites like children. He was just putting His foot down and showing them the way it would be--namely, His way or no way. And I don't think it would work well if my Dom tried to make me wander the Israeli desert for 40 years as a punishment. Just saying.

Submission --> Compliance.

For a more stubborn woman, you probably have to know her really well to find her weak spots, or you have to be prepared to fight her harder to wrestle her back into submission. Yet even the wildest horses can eventually be broken by the right man. Once you find a punishment that makes her feel true remorse, helps her see the error of her ways, and reconciles the two of you, you've hit upon a winner.

Some women will thrash and beg through a spanking, then eventually cry, go limp, and show remorse. This is why some CDD sites advocate spanking the woman until she cries and completely submits (the two are different, by the way, but tears can let you know when you're getting there. Angry tears are different than remorseful tears). For other women, a completely different type of punishment may be necessary. You can be creative here--- it doesn't have to be just physical punishment.

But once the punishment is over, and you've won, she's yours again. She feels safe again. You've proved that her safety fence is still in working order. And you've proved that you're a man capable of handling her.

Women are willful?

Many of us, yes. But a firm, loving hand can change us into the woman you want us to be.

The One Twue Way

2011-06-14T14:30:00.005-05:00

In [insert your community here: BDSM, D/s, DD, CDD, Taken in Hand, M/s, etc.], in all these very interrelated communities, there is always someone who feels like they are not following "The One Twue Way."

No, that's not a typo. The twue way is just like a twue sub or a twue dom. There is no one right way to do it. There is no way you must be.

The online blogger communities are great for me because I can get so many great ideas. I can see how these relationships work in real life. I can see what works for me and what doesn't. I always try to share really good quotes or posts with my Dom, so he can share in this community, too.

In my online meanderings, I've found slaves with very detailed lists of rules and slaves with no real rules. I've met subs who love to submit and please, and subs who have to be forced into it and conquered. I've read posts by DD or CDD women who had to beg their husbands to discipline them and women who still beg their husbands not to.

Love it or hate it, if TTWD (This Thing We Do) is also TTYD (This Thing You Do), you fit in here.

It doesn't matter if you have rules or not. If your husband spanks you or not. If you have rituals or not. If you are good at submitting or not. If you call your husband a Master, Sir, Dom, or Head of Household, or none of the above.

This community has enough room for everyone.

The sad thing, I think, is when reading others' blogs and participating in online communities (like Fetlife and Taken in Hand) makes us feel alienated and alone, instead of encouraged and inspired. I've felt that way. Other bloggers (I'm specifically thinking of Libby, Kaya, and Stormy, but there are more) have also recently written about it. I think at some point, many of us feel like maybe we don't fit in here. Yet the point is to learn from others--their mistakes and successes, but mostly just their stories.

Each one of us is in a relationship that is completely and utterly unique. I believe God planned a specific person for each one of us. As Genesis 2:18 says:

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

The word for "man" here is the Hebrew word hadam or adam, and it means man, mankind, or human. The word applied to the woman is ezer, meaning a help or helper, someone who gives aid. For this specific man, God created a specific helper who would fit him-- in other words, they complemented each other. Eve probably wouldn't have fit so well with any other man, because God hadn't created her to be a lifemate to anyone else. These two went specifically together.

There are a lot more of us on the earth now, but the basic principle remains the same. Each couple is made uniquely to suit. I can see how God knew, even better than my husband or I did, how we were going to complement each other and fit each other's needs. Sure, in the past I had dated other, very nice, boys, but I prayed hard about who I should end up with and so I trust that I was led to the right one for me.

So of course it seems obvious that what works for my Dom and me is not what's going to work for many other D/s couples. Our communities should be here to encourage and support one another--to give us the edification that yes, there are other people out there like us, other people struggling along similar journeys and having similar experiences and making similar mistakes. We have a lot to learn from one another.

But there is no "right" or "wrong" way to build your relationship. If you are communicating with each other, praying about it, and staying safe, sane, and consensual, you shouldn't ever feel like you are a misfit or don't belong. There is no "One Twue Way."

Unless my Dom asks. And then, you should tell him it's my way.

Just kidding.

Dominant Blogs

2011-06-08T11:39:00.003-05:00

I read a lot of submissive blogs. Lately, I'm trying to find more blogs by Dominants.

And I mean good, quality blogs. Blogs written by men in committed relationships with one submissive woman. Men who have something worthwhile to share about their dominance and how their relationships work.

So far, here are some I've been impressed with:

(Not So) Random Thoughts by Omega. Omega is a Master to the submissive blogger Mouse.

A Dominant Character by Sir J. He is a 24/7 Dom who's been married 23 years.

Husbandly Touch by Mick. Mick and his wife are in a DD relationship.

Goreans of Reality. Jake's Kajira keeps copies of her Master Jake's writings here. He has good insights on how his slave's mind works.

A Neo Dom's Journey by Neo Dom Tom. He and his wife have been in a full-time BDSM relationship for over a year.

A Dauntless Journey by Dauntless Vitality. DV writes theoretical articles about how M/s and D/s work.

The Training of My Lovely Slut by William. He is a Dom who uses elements of DD in his marriage.

I will add that all of these men are still actively blogging as of June 2011. I try not to follow bloggers who fall off the face of the earth. :) If they stop blogging in the future and the links no longer work, I claim no responsibility.

If you enjoy their writings, please support them by leaving a comment. And let them know Sexperts sent you their way!

Being A Feminist's Daughter

2011-06-08T10:07:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, in the middle of a scene, I'll lose subspace and come jolting back to reality.

This happened yesterday.

I hate it when that happens. I love subspace. I love the feeling of calm relaxation. I love feeling so close to my Dom. I enjoy feeling his strength and power and masculinity.

But then, suddenly, I am afraid of those feelings.

I've talked in a previous post about how I feel submission and feminism can go hand-in-hand. But that doesn't mean it's always easy for me.

I used to be afraid of giving oral sex. But thanks to a very loving, patient husband, I am slowly learning to give head on my own terms. I am learning to enjoy it and see it as a symbol of submission. I can now kiss and adore this masculine part of him and feel grateful that he's letting me.

As I descended into subspace yesterday, I got more enthusiastic. I lost my inhibitions.

And then, I got embarrassed. I am still my mother's daughter, after all. What would she think if she knew I submitted to my husband? I could feel the judgment. Not from my mother. But from myself.

I paused from what I was doing. Shook my head to clear it. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and got a tiny frown. My forehead wrinkled up.

"What am I doing? I'm losing control. I must look ridiculous." Enter self-loathing.

My nice, dreamy subspace fled.

Of course, within a few minutes, he noticed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I sighed and laid my head against his thigh. "I lost it," I whined.

His hands reached for me. "It's okay, baby," he soothed. "We can get it back."

He knows that I struggle with this. That sometimes, I judge myself for what I think society and my family might think. That I struggle with letting go of total control.

Gently, firmly, with strong hands, he leads me back.

He takes the decision for me and decides this is what's best for us. He pushes me back into subspace, knowing that there I feel safer and happier and I can lean on him for support.

Sometimes he does it with punishment. Sometimes with a look. Sometimes with pain. Sometimes with pleasure. He is learning to play my mind and body like an instrument. He is getting better.

Someday, we will be experts at each other.

My mother is not in my marriage. She has no place in our bedroom.

Neither do my fears and insecurities. Slowly, he is showing them the door.

Precious Cargo

2011-06-08T09:30:00.004-05:00

He starts to undress me. I whimper.

His hands pause. "What's the matter?" he asks me.

Blindfolded, I cower into the bed. "I don't like my stomach," I whimper.

"You're beautiful," he says, as his hands continue to remove my clothes.

_____________________________________

I am kneeling on the bed, eyes closed.

"Get into the inspection position," he tells me.

I pause, confused.

"The nadu," he clarifies.

I whimper (my sound of protest without saying "No").

I know it, but we've never done slave positions before. "I'm not a slave," I pout.

Yet I always thought it was such a beautiful posture of submission.

"What are you?" he asks.

"I don't know," I say, sounding suddenly afraid.

He smiles. "I know what you are," he says soothingly. "You're mine." He sounds happy about this.

I assume the nadu position, eyes still closed.

But I fidget. I am uncomfortable here. Do I put my hands palms up, or touch my middle finger to my thumb? I flex my hands.

"Stay still," he commands. "You're not doing your hands right."

A little affronted, but eyes still closed, I pout, "I'm not sure what to do. Some photos this way," I put my hands palms up, "but Jake's Kajira does this way," I touch my middle finger and thumb.

"Do what you've seen people in real life do," he encourages me, patient in this, my first time.

I touch my fingers together, zen-like, the way I've seen Jake's Kajira in her photos. I always thought that was a beautiful photo of her.

He blindfolds me.

I feel warm breath on my back. Feathery-light kisses. My skin prickles.

Soft, warm kisses up my back. Calm. Warm kisses on my neck. Relaxed.

Feathery kisses on my arms. I tremble.

I feel his soft breath across my breasts. My breathing quickens. He moves to my stomach.

I tense. Suck in my breath. Try, unsuccessfully, to suck in my stomach.

"Relax," he breathes through his kisses.

"I can't," I whisper. "I have to hold in my stomach."

The kisses leave my body. I hear his voice, soft and sure, in front of my face.

He kisses me lovingly on the lips.

"I want you," he whispers. "I want all of you." I start to tremble.

"I want your submission, your mind, your heart, all of you," he continues.

A dream come true, someone who wants all of you.

We'd just talked about how I am afraid...

Afraid my submission will be too much, more than he wants.

Afraid of my changing body,

Who am I if I'm not thin and young and sexy?

Afraid of the possible depth of my own emotional clinginess and neediness if I let that control go.

He speaks to me as through a dream.

He says the words I need to hear.

I melt.

I am his.
_____________________________________

Later...

Later, in the kitchen, he hugs me.

I feel so close.

But I pull away, self-conscious.

"I don't like my stomach," I explain, apologetic.

He pulls me toward him.

"I don't like how my stomach is the first thing that touches you now," I further explain.

He looks at me.

Smiles down at me.

And says simply:

"But you've got precious cargo in there."

He lightly touches my stomach, careful not to hurt.

"Remember," he says, "You're carrying the second most important person in the world to me in there."

He turns to get a glass of water from the sink.

I pause, struck by the thought.

Precious cargo.

He likes my growing stomach.

He doesn't mind when it hits him first when we hug. He doesn't mind that it makes sex more awkward every week.

Because I am carrying precious cargo.

How D/s Has Helped My Marriage

2011-06-05T11:47:00.004-05:00

In today's world, I see a lot of relationships without respect.

In some marriages, the man is in charge. In some, the woman. In some, they share responsibility. But many of these relationships lack a basic essential ingredient: respect.

This is because today, we focus so much on romantic love. It is our reason to date, our reason to get married, and the lack of it is our excuse when the marriage ends in divorce. Our culture, fueled by Hollywood and popular magazines, focuses on the search for love with a crazed determination.

Love is important, but focusing on just finding romantic love causes us to forget other essential ingredients to making marriages work: respect, communication, shared values, and common goals. Of these, I believe respect is the most important.

Vanilla people look at D/s and they think our relationships must lack respect. How can you respect someone if you control him or her, they ask?

Well, I'd answer, the same way my boss respects me. Having power over someone doesn't mean you don't respect them.

This idea that control, heirarchies, and unblanced power works in the business world, in our jobs and banks and economy and churches and cities but not in our homes, is a fallacy. When roles aren't clear-cut and parties don't have defined ideas about their responsibilities, obligations, and expectations, a power vacuum--and then a respect vacuum--ensues.

Why would I respect my husband for leading me if I'm leading just as much as he is? Why would he respect me for my submission and service when he's doing exactly the same thing?

Without D/s, we'd both lose respect for each other.

But with D/s, I respect my husband more. I see him as a leader. I see him as stronger and more fearless than I did when we tried to have a popular "egalitarian" marriage. I appreciate his career and work more than I did before. It makes me respect him more. Sex has become a service I am glad to be able to offer him instead of a chore I resented.

My husband respects me, too. He sees me doing chores and housework when I don't want to, just to make his life easier because I know he is so busy at work. He takes more of the weight of providing for us on his shoulders, and I accordingly take up more of the weight of making sure things at home get done. He respects the work I do, especially because he knows I don't necessarily enjoy it. Additionally, I'm becoming a much better cook because I'm getting practice. :)

I see my husband through different, more loving, eyes when he is also my Dom. Being Dom and submissive doesn't replace our marriage relationship... I see it more as an "optional addition" to our basic marriage package.

How has D/s helped my marriage?

I appreciate my husband's work more

I am more patient when he has to be at work longer

I am more willing to do more than my fair share of household chores

I am prouder to wear my wedding ring each day as I put it on

I am more attracted to him physically

I feel calmer and more relaxed when I'm in subspace

I suddenly think about things like, "Which perfume would he want me to wear today?"

I make more decisions based on what he'd want, even when he's not there

I can rely on him to make decisions

I can rely on him to handle conflict if I don't feel up to it right then

I can be needy without feeling like a failure as a "modern, egalitarian" wife (because I'm not one!)

I am more considerate of his needs, such as sleep or having his shoulders rubbed

I have the freedom to be indecisive and defer to him, if I want (= reduced conflict with my family)

I have someone who will take the initiative and make me do things I don't want to but are good for me (example: covering my head in church)

I am not ashamed to ask him what a Bible passage means or the definition of a word I don't know; it's okay for him to know more sometimes

I can be more open with my insecurities and neediness than when I had to maintain an "equal" image

I see sex as a way to connect and/or a way to serve him, not as a chore that I resent

I respect him more, which means...

I am more attracted to him, which means...

I am more interested in having sex with him

I feel prouder to introduce him to people

I can worry less about what other people (i.e. my mother) think of me

I have somewhere safe to go after work or a stressful day

These are just some of the improvements I have noticed in our relationship. I'm not saying you can't get some of these without D/s, but Taken in Hand, Christian Domestic Discipline, The Surrendered Wife, and even basic marriage help books like Love and Respect are based around similar principles as D/s, but with a different twist to each. In the end, these relationships have arisen as some people's answer to uber-feminism and egalitarianism, which are ruining marriages and families in many instances.

For us, this works. It may be a journey some of you may find will work as well.

Can You Be a Feminist Submissive?

2011-06-01T11:18:00.005-05:00

At the core, a feminist is someone--whether male or female--who believes females are equal to men in value and worth and should have the right to make their own decisions. It all comes down to choice.

First off, being "equal" to men doesn't mean we're the same. It obviously doesn't mean men can bear and breastfeed children or that women's bodies are designed to hunt. Men generally have more muscle mass and are taller and heavier. Their brains work differently, and they have different hormonal patterns.

But if you believe women can be just as smart and useful and helpful as men, you're a feminist. God designed us perfectly so men and women can complement each other in their lifestyles.

If you are a female submissive, you may struggle with aligning the cultural ideals for womanhood and femininity with your definition of "feminist."

Being a feminist all comes down to choice. It means letting a woman choose what she wants to do. If she wants to be a high-powered CEO, great. If she prefers to stay home and sew and cook, great. We feminists fall all along that spectrum. You can find us cooking, shopping, working, canoeing, hunting, knitting, watching tv, or being soldiers.

The true feminist chooses what she wants for her life. Did you look at your array of options and decide that one of your identities is to be a submissive? Good for you for knowing what you want! You are still a feminist.

I sometimes struggle with being a "feminist" and submissive. The cultural idea of a feminist is someone who thinks women should be bossy and act like men. But that isn't true. I enjoy dressing up in a nice dress and getting my hair and makeup done, but I also like hanging out in my PJs and wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

I thought a lot about the great questions, What do you want to be when you grow up? My parents gave me lots of great ideas based on what they saw as my strengths and abilities. Some of the things I considered were:

a writer, because I love to write novels and am very expressive

a singer/actress, because I have a great voice

a lawyer, because I'm analytical, have a heart for social justice, and am good at manipulating words

a teacher, because I enjoy learning new things and sharing that knowledge

a counselor, because I'm nurturing and good at reading people

an interpreter, because I love thinking fast on my feet and using languages

a textbook editor, because I adore grammar rules

a housewife, because I like having lots of free time to pursue my hobbies

a bookstore owner, because I love to read

a restaurant owner, because I have a great menu in my head already

On the other hand, I never considered being a vet, even though I love animals, because blood makes me sick and I cry when animals are hurt or dying. I never considered being in the military, even when they asked me to, because I'm not good at taking orders that I don't agree with and I value independence over uniformity.

My mother, who is the classic feminist you think of when you hear the word, would be pretty appalled if she knew I identified as a submissive. Changing from a radical, "I'm equal to you!" feminist to a submissive feminist is something that took me some time.

First, I realized I didn't want a man who was passive like my father. My dad is great and loved us, but he was not able to protect his children from abusive situations because he valued keeping the peace too much. Also, I saw how much my mother resented him because she had to do all the work of making decisions about money, kids, vacations, planning dates, and getting things done. Even though she wanted the control, she resented the pressure it put on her year after year when my dad just handed over the reins without a complaint.

Second, I realized that I wanted to be able to respect and love a man. I dated many nice, passive boys whom I loved, but the love and passion always died because I couldn't respect them. I didn't respect them because they did not insist on respect from women or other men.

As my ideal mate for myself started to morph into a different idea than my parents had, slowly, I started realizing that I might have to make some changes in my lifestyle. I couldn't insist on having all the control and power in a relationship and still get what I wanted in a mate.

Eventually, I read the book Liberated Through Submission at the advice of a Christian friend. Although this book is about Christian principles of marriage rather than D/s, it made me see myself differently. I started to realize that maybe I should give up some control in order to get the safety and protection I wanted from a man. I also, for the first time, was forced to understand that if I were going to live my life by Biblical principles, I couldn't just ignore these few unpopular verses like many Christians today do. I would have to change my life to conform to the Bible. Also, this book introduced me to Biblical commands I'd never heard preached or talked about in today's pro-feminist society. And last, this book made me long to have the strong leader in my household that the author had in her husband.

I will add, of course, that my mother's friends saw me reading this book and were appalled. But I kept reading, because I didn't want their marriages. Sure, they are happy and in love and have great husbands, but they always have to be The Boss. They can never lose it and cry on their husbands' laps and have their husbands hold them and reassure them and take care of the problem for them. That's fine for them if that's what they want (Feminism = Choice!), but it wasn't what I wanted.

Also, it's been years since I read that book, and I still do not follow those Biblical verses perfectly. I am far from the perfect model of Biblical submission in a marriage. But I am much, much closer!

Eventually, I started dating stronger men. I went too far and dated an abusive jerk. He was not a feminist. He did not think I should have a say in my own life and desires and career. He did not respect my right to choice. After that ended, I had learned a valuable lesson: I needed a man who would respect me and my brain, even while protecting and leading me.

Finally, I met my (future) husband and ended up here: a feminist who chooses to be a submissive because she has found a good, godly Christian man who is also a feminist. Yes, my Dom believes that women have the right to choose their own paths. But for us, based on the Bible and our personalities and desires, this works.

I am a submissive. I am also highly educated and very successful in my career. I am opinionated and vocal with our families and friends. Heck, I am opinionated and vocal with him. :) Being a submissive does not keep me from being a successful, educated, well-paid woman. It doesn't keep me from fighting with my Dom about the normal married-people issues like in-laws and money. It just means this is the choice I have made. My feminist choice. My submissive choice.

To read more about how feminism and submission go together in BDSM relationships, see Nan's article, A Feminist Submissive?

Do You Need a Training Résumé?

2011-05-26T15:07:00.003-05:00

New submissives and slaves entering the lifestyle will find in a lot of the first websites you encounter via Google search about a mystical object every sub needs called a "Training Résumé." (I waded through those same websites when I was new, by the way... I have to say, most of them are utter crap.)

What is a training résumé? It's basically a record of all the D/s training you've had. It can be a tool you hand to a prospective Dominant so he can know you better, or something you use yourself to track your personal growth as a submissive. Ideally, it would include information on all your past D/s relationships, submissive skills you know, BDSM experience, related classes or events you've attended, even your goals and limits.

If you are interested in creating a training résumé, the Submissive Guide website has a good guide on how to start, including information on formats, what to include, etc. Luna K, the owner of Submissive Guide, will walk you through the process, including:

how to start your résumé

documenting your training history

BDSM checklists

Classes and convocations you've attended

Your BDSM-related reading list

The danger here is that if you get sucked in by the myriad of crappy BDSM websites insisting you must have this training résumé, or even a well-constructed submissive resource like Submissive Guide, you can be tricked into believing that if you want to be a real sub you have to have a perfect little training portfolio.

Some of us don't need training résumés. Hey, if you want to do one, I have no problem with it. But I don't like the focus some sites put on having one. It isn't fair to new subs to make this seem like something they need to do, that every Dominant will expect.

If you are new to submission and plan to jump around from play partner to play partner for a while, trying out the field, then a training résumé might be a good idea for you. But if you are already in a vanilla relationship and are just trying to figure out how to make it kinky, or if you are a kinkster looking for a permanent, monogamous relationship, you probably don't need one. In the first case, you are already in a committed relationship, and in the second, if you're looking for permanence you will probably end up having a few serious relationships before you find it, rather than dozens of flings.

I don't have a training résumé.

Unless my Dom decides it would be a good project for me to start, I'll never have one. Now, if he decides on his own that he would like me to keep a portfolio of my submissive training, tasks I know how to do and tasks I still need to learn, my goals for personal growth, my past relationships, and kink-related books I've read, then I'll do it. I'm pretty good at lists, portfolios, and the like, and I really enjoy scrapbooking and such.

But for myself? It's not something I need.

Why not? Because I'm in a committed marriage with my Dominant. We're married, and our religion doesn't allow for divorce. I'm basically in this one for the long haul, provided one of us doesn't die young. He's the only Dom I've ever had and the only one I'll ever be allowed to have, so a training résumé just doesn't make sense for me in my position.

Therefore, if you're a new sub, don't get stressed out by what the websites say you "need" to have or documents you "should" create. Decide if it's really something you want or need, and go from there.

Face-to-Face Time and Intimacy

2011-05-25T20:36:00.004-05:00

Now that summer is here, I'm finally getting to catch up on the sex blogosphere and all my fellow kinky bloggers. While perusing and stalking the D/s relationships of other bloggers, I came across this quote by Oatmeal Girl over at Submission and Metaphor:

How he ordered me to touch myself for the longest time, sitting before him, while he watched - watched my face, not my pussy, watched me arouse myself for his pleasure...

My husband is currently having me focus more on intimacy. Allowing myself to feel intimacy and closeness during sex, which is difficult for me (a textbook problem for victims of childhood abuse).

This quote shows, above all, an intimacy in the relationship between this submissive and her Master. Now that I'm paying more attention to intimacy, I also notice my lack of it--and this is one area that's hard for me: face-to-face time during sex.

It's one thing if he is staring at my body, but once he wants to look into my face, I get nervous. It feels uncomfortably emotional. Too... intimate. It makes me cringe away. I close my eyes, turn my face away, try to hide my face. Sometimes I even initiate a kiss just so he will close his eyes and focus on kissing me instead of watching my face, or I will hug him and bury my face in his shoulder. These are my sneaky ways of avoiding having him look at my face.

Looking at a woman's body during sex seems normal. She could mean anything to you or nothing at all. You could be looking at her as an object. But when you watch her face, it seems... more personal.

Having my Dom look into my eyes when I am receiving pleasure or pain is hard for me, but it's a step closer to becoming comfortable with intimacy.

Maybe getting to that level is something I can aspire to in the future.

Describing Subspace

2011-05-23T14:33:00.002-05:00

Click here to view my original post on Kinky Sex Link.

Subspace can be scary. Sometimes, as my uber-feminist mother's daughter, I am ashamed to hear myself saying some of those things aloud. Things like, "I'm yours. Fuck me. I want you to come on my chest." It scares me, and makes me wonder who I really am.

My husband just smiles when I tell him this. He thinks that who I am is a sub who just sometimes struggles with her upbringing and training and cultural identity in this gender-equal world.

I can be in different levels of subspace. Sometimes, just reading a good BDSM blog or having a quiet talk with my husband about his plans and hopes for our D/s relationship can put me in a sort of low-key subspace. I don't usually call it subspace, but I will describe myself as "relaxed," "calm," and "in a different headspace." I'm still me, but I feel calmer, like I'm floating in a warm bath. When I come down from this headspace, it's painless and there's no real subdrop, that hated bane of Tops and bottoms alike.

I can also be in mid-level subspace, which is normally where I am during a really good scene. There, I am shameless about telling my husband how submissive I feel. I will kneel at his feet and kiss his legs (of course, I'll feel embarrassed about it later). I will deviously try to get him to make me feel more submissive, asking leading questions like, "Do you like hurting me?... Why?.." But when I come down, there's definitely a subdrop. I'll feel sad and mopey and depressed. I worry a lot about the things I said and did; was I too much of a doormat? What would my mother think if she knew I'd served my husband?

Then there's the rare times I go into deep, deep head-space. It's a euphoric feeling. In this space, I will say yes or okay to anything my husband asks me (which is why I agree with BDSM teachers who say Tops should never ask a bottom to do anything mid-scene that hasn't already been discussed and agreed upon). I am pretty incoherent, floating happily in my head, and it annoys me when my husband expects me to give verbal answers any more complicated than "Yes" or "Uh-huh." I can't say no, so he (correctly) interprets silence as a no; if he says, "Are you okay?" and I don't nod or say "Yes," it means no. I am happy to do whatever he wants, so long as I can keep this divine feeling. And of course, afterward, I feel needy. He needs to hold me and get me water. But the subdrop isn't as bad as it is from my more mid-levels, because my body instinctively understands it can't sustain that intense feeling--I wouldn't be able to function, so eventually I am happy to come drifting down into my Dom's arms and let him hold me, just so long as he doesn't expect me to talk.

What am I like when I'm in subspace?

1. Calm. Normally, I'm a worrier. Anxious... uptight... worried... panicky... all those words would accurately describe me. In subspace, I relax. My mind gets quiet. The worries go away.

2. Quiet. In my normal headspace (some bloggers call this a sub's Top-space), I'm pretty talkative and very opinionated. I can be mouthy and bratty to my Dom, even. Once I enter subspace, that quality dissipates and then fades. I stop talking. I am too busy focusing on how I finally feel relaxed and calm. I will generally only answer my husband's direct questions, and the farther into subspace I go, the shorter and less complicated my answers get. (*As a side note, not all bottoms get quiet... some report getting more verbose!)

3. Dreamy. I feel hazy, foggy, and calm. My Dom says that my eyes sort of glaze over and get hazy, letting him know when I start to feel subby.

4. Actively Submissive. It may sound like an oxymoron to be "actively submissive," but I just mean that I get braver and more aggressive in submitting to my Dom. Instead of waiting for him to give me a command, I will just hop into the shower with him and start soaping him up. I'll offer to iron his shirt or fix him dinner instead of waiting for him to ask. I take a much more active role in submitting, rather than waiting for him to request or order something.

For more good resources on subspace, check out these articles:

My earlier post on describing subspace.

Clarisse Thorn's post on Going Under.

LittleMousling's article on Stage Three: Going Under.

Mistress Steele's Nine Levels of Subspace.

When Anxiety Hits

2011-05-23T08:19:00.003-05:00

The last few days, I have been struggling with anxiety again.

I've been off medicine for about 6 months, right before we got pregnant. It was hard at first, but eventually that terrible first trimester ended and life became sane and happy again. Since then, I've been doing fine.

This week, I can tell I'm having a resurgence of anxiety issues. I can tell this because my "coping mechanisms" are popping back up again. Things like feeling fatigued all the time, feeling tired for no reason, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and nap when I'm sad, obsessively chewing my nails or gnawing my fingers, getting overwhelmed quickly during arguments and lapsing into the silent treatment, and having the desire to shut myself into rooms or closets.

I'm not sure exactly what's causing it, but it could be many things: pregnancy, moving, living with my Dom again after 6 weeks apart, being off the anti-anxiety medicine.

I try to stick with my less-unhealthy coping mechanisms, for example chewing my nails is far preferable to shutting myself into a closet. But it's still hard, and once I get into a funk I can stay there for days.

My Dom is trying to help me come up with healthy ways to manage my anxiety. He suggested exercise, but I hate exercise at the best of times, and there is just no way I am going to have the energy to exert myself when I am 5 months pregnant and my stomach skin is already painfully stretched out just from walking around. I'm also trying to drink plenty of water. I wonder if having regular sex would be good; it's not something we normally do but it might be a way for me to get exercise and stress relief without having to actually get out and run in the heat.

My Dom has also figured out that just getting me out of the house can help. So does eye contact with him--I find it grounding-- and having a list of things to get done that I can cross off and feel productive about. I whine and try desperately to stay in bed, but he looks into my eyes and tells me our plan, and eventually I get happier once we're out and doing things. I like having a purpose, even if it's just small things. For example, yesterday we went to lunch and then to run errands. Lunch was pretty miserable; I was grouchy and picking fights, but by the time we'd run 2-3 errands I was feeling better, so we ran a few more and then went and got a Tropical Sno and that cheered me up considerably. :)

Tropical Sno can really solve all ills. There's something about that brightly-colored sugar that just cheers me immeasurably.

I've never met a family member or boyfriend who knew me well enough or had sufficient control over my emotions to drag me out of an anxious, unhappy funk. It's just one more reason I think D/s control is helping our relationship. My Dom doesn't use it to get off or have an unpaid servant; he uses it to take care of me and keep me healthier. Because he has sway over my emotions, he can help me when they get out of hand. And for him, he enjoys the control and having a wife who is calmer and happier. It works well for both of us.

Shower Head

2011-05-15T18:00:00.004-05:00

By shower head, no, I do not mean this wonderful invention that provides us all with hot water and showers:

No, I mean giving head in the shower.

Giving head is my new favorite submissive activity!

A lot of subs seemed to enjoy giving head. I never really understood that. I thought giving a blow job was gross at best. I never really enjoyed it in the past, and usually only did so out of guilt or obligation. The few times I did it willingly, it was always to make someone else happy (not because I liked it) and it was always for about 30 seconds max.

So no, head was not my favorite activity ever.

With my husband, who is also my first and only Dom, giving him head was not something I tried until after we were married and had already been involved with BDSM for over a year. (You can read about my first oral sex experience with my Dom here.) And because he let me wait til I was ready, oral sex with him was not ever about feeling guilty or obligated. Sometimes, it was because I felt submissive. Others, it was because he used it to make me feel small (we had one really hot scene where I role-played a 12-year-old giving fellatio for the first time).

More and more, I've been finding that I enjoy giving him head because it is an expression of how I feel when I already feel submissive. Forcing me onto my knees doesn't make me feel submissive, it just makes me feel pissed off, but when he's already brought me into a subby headspace--either through his words or his actions--I often feel the desire to put him into my mouth and serve him.

Why?

Because it's serving him.

Women and men may give head for a multitude of reasons, but for me it is most powerful as a symbol of submission and service.

My husband can enter my vagina without me being emotionally engaged. You don't have to kiss or make eye contact to have sex. But you definitely have to be engaged to take a man's cock and willingly accept it into your mouth. It's the ultimate symbol of service.

I remember I once read a book, if I recall correctly it was Angels and Demons, where the bad guy, a Muslim Middle Easterner hired as an assassin, planned to force the heroine to give him oral sex. He decided that, at the moment of his climax, he would slit her throat. He termed this the ultimate submission.

Even back then, I was pretty taken by those words. There is just something about having someone on her knees, mouth open and vulnerable, taking your cock into her mouth and servicing it that is so... humble. And hot. Of course, it doesn't have to be. As with every other aspect of sex, society and pornography have found ways to distort and desecrate fellatio, twisting it into other things--like the fictional example above. But it can be a simple and beautiful symbol of submission. You love this man. You want to please him. You kneel before him, and you take the most masculine part of his body, and you serve it with your mouth as you look into his eyes. There's something profound and powerful about that.

I had to work up to looking into my Dom's eyes. Sometimes I still get embarrassed and look away. But I've noticed that when I already feel submissive, and I'm doing it because I want to please him and express how submissive I already feel, my mouth doesn't get tired as easily. I don't get bored. I don't get distracted as much by the smell or the ache in my jaw. It's a much better experience, for me as well as for him.

So I guess I should quit teasing and get to the good stuff, huh? :)

My Dom had already tortured my nipples and made me cry out that I was owned. It was especially effective because this time, he seemed to be really enjoying making me cry out in pain. He wasn't just doing it for me.

After our scene, he maintained our emotional connection and his control, even when we were moving our things with our friends. He grabbed me and bit me quickly on the neck. He held me possessively by the back and shoulders, leading me with his hands where he wanted me to go, as we walked to the truck. He told me how much he loved hurting me and making me cry out (hot!). He handed me money and asked me to go get him food and a beer (against my normal nature, I obeyed). Later, we made love on the couch as we talked and looked into each other's eyes. He slowed down when I asked him to and hit my cervix so wonderfully he made me cry out in pleasure repeatedly. Then we went for a quick shower to clean off before a BBQ at a friend's.

All this being dominated really got to me. I loved it. I craved it. I felt happy, calm, and completely owned. (I rarely am able to feel this way). Suddenly, I really wanted to show him how great he had made me feel.

I knelt down before him and looked up at him. Normally I don't like kneeling, but at that moment all I wanted was to kneel at this man's feet and serve his cock with me mouth. We made eye contact. I leaned forward, grasped his dick, and took his hard cock into my mouth. His skin was soft and smooth, but his cock was hard and firm. The warm shower water poured over me. He felt clean and smelled great.

I worked him with my mouth. He told me to tongue him. Not understanding, I licked the underside of his shaft.

"No," he told me roughly. "Tongue the underside of my head."

I immediately obeyed. He relaxed with a sigh that was part moan, making me feel even sexier and more confident.

For once, I loved giving him head. I wanted to serve him. It was intimate and sexy. It was a way to give back to him. It was a way to show him how great and submissive he had made me feel. I sucked diligently on him, reveling in the way my newly pregnant body looked to him as I gazed up at him from my knees, hot water cascading down my shoulders and over my breasts.

I wanted to do more. I grabbed the soap and soaped his balls. I love the way his skin feels when it is wet and soapy in the shower. I massaged his balls, thighs, and lower abdomen.

I wanted to serve him more. I soaped up my hands and washed his legs, stomach, arms, and then feet, still bobbing up and down on his cock. I paid special attention to his feet, which suddenly seemed an especially submissive place to clean him, and since we were in the shower I didn't get my usual ick-factor with feet (or penises). It was hard because I could not look down, but I did it. I knew if I didn't get him 100% clean he would not be upset.

When I was out of places to wash him, I still wasn't done showing him how submissive I felt. I wasn't sure what else to do. So I took a deep breath, relaxed my throat, told myself that he loved me, and slowly leaned forward until my lips touched the skin of his balls. He gasped. I gagged a bit, backed up, and said with a huge grin, "I didn't do it all the way, but it worked!" He told me I was doing a great job and encouraged me to keep going.

Now, I have never been able to deepthroat. Still can't, actually. Long-standing abuse issues make my gag reflex too sensitive, either having a dick near the back of my mouth or tasting cum or pre-cum. It's a real bummer during oral sex. But if my Dom wants me to get over these issues, some day I hope I can for him. Perhaps it's something we could work on in training.

Well anyway, this day, I got close. I leaned in, hot water still pouring around me and making everything clean and fresh, and I wished I could relax more and take him deep into my throat. I wished I could close my adoring lips around his balls and kiss them to show him how much he meant to me. (Sadly, as far as I know it is impossible to kiss someone's balls when your lips are already forced open around his shaft.)

Jake'skajira says she and her Master are working on a 30-day challenge where she will kneel before him, open and exposed and vulnerable, every night. She says it makes him aroused when he sees her exposed to him that way. I asked her about it, and she told me that sometimes, he will get so aroused that he comes to her and fucks her mouth. For the first time in my life, I could understand how a submissive could long to service her Master in this way. How a woman could long, from deep within her pussy, to open her mouth and receive him and feel his cum slide down her throat and kiss his balls and let him fuck her willing, open mouth because, deep within her owned soul, she longs to show him the kind of service he makes her willing to give.

Sexy Showers and D/s questions

2011-05-15T17:25:00.003-05:00

My Dom and I are trying, still again, to find the right balance to our D/s dynamic.

It can be really hard. D/s is just like any other aspect of our lives: our marriage, our sex life, our D/s dynamic, our finances. It takes a while of jiggling things around and talking and fighting and complaining and communicating and changing things until we find a vibe that fits right for both of us. I feel like, by now, we've gotten the marriage part figured out. We had trouble adjusting at the beginning but now we've settled into a groove that works for both of us. But the sex and D/s part? Those are more difficult.

They are definitely improving, don't get me wrong. But sometimes we see things differently. We are trying to create our own brand of D/s that is as full-time or part-time, as intense or laid back, as we want it. We are also trying to maintain D/s that fits us as Christians. While we've explored CDD and Taken in Hand, and those are very similar to what we want, I think what we're leaning toward lately is a bit closer to traditional D/s, only with a Christian dynamic.

It doesn't help when we argue about it or fight over whose fault it is that we don't have a perfect romance book-style D/s relationship. This is usually my fault, but the other night he told me he didn't think I was capable of D/s because I'm too emotionally inconsistent and getting a taste of my own medicine really hurt my feelings. Why bother to work at building a kind of relationship your partner doesn't even think you're capable of? Yet, as with so many things in a marriage, it is easy to turn to blaming others when things don't go right instead of communicating.

While I tend to complain and blame more, it's also hard because he doesn't communicate as well or as readily as I do. He doesn't feel the need for constant talking about our D/s relationship to maintain it that way I do. He is a man of actions, while I am a woman of words. Of course I want actions too, such as him following through with what he says he'll do, but I prefer to have the words first. If I'm not clearly given a command or specifically told what to do or not do, and then he punishes me for not doing it, I feel it is unfair since the expectations were not clearly, VERBALLY, stated.

My Dom sees a D/s relationship as one where the sub submits readily; I see it as one where I am forced to submit. Both these are valid kinds of submission; for instance, CDD is more similar to what my husband wants, and Taken in Hand is more similar to what I want, and I've seen BDSM-style D/s relationships that work both ways, although I think they are more often what my Dom prefers.

My Dom thinks scenes and domination should just happen organically and not seem too forced; I want to be in fairly constantly communication about our D/s and work at it all the time to make sure we sustain the lifestyle 100% of the time and not just when it "happens."

My Dom thinks a scene can be a success even if I don't like it. I used to think he was wrong, but now I can see his point. For instance, last weekend he tortured my nipples and spanked me for fighting him. I never got past my "mad-pissed-off-sub" headspace into my "calm, happy sub" headspace, because the pain escalated too fast and was never an enjoyable pain for me. I was just in a mood, I guess. I didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting pain, when it is such a natural reaction! I also didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting him, when the reason I was fighting was because he was accidentally pressing into my pregnant stomach and causing pain, but I couldn't tell him that due to the gag.

So at the end of the scene, I was pissed instead of calm, drowsy, and submissive. I thought the scene was a failure, but I was wrong. Although I didn't like the way he did it at the time, he still dominated me, and I still felt dominated, even if I was pissy about it. Later that night, I dressed up for him and wore more makeup than I had in a long, long time. I was more worried about what he wanted me to wear than before. I asked him what perfume I should wear and which eyeshadow color he'd prefer me in. At dinner with our friends, I got up and got him a plate of food without being asked. The next day, I acquiesced to sex even when I wasn't really interested, and afterward, I gave him head while kneeling before him in the shower and soaping his body with my hands. Instead of seeing fellatio as a chore, I actually enjoyed these actions, and was able to relax and let him slide farther down my throat than I had before. At the end of the shower, I even got him a towel and brought his clothes into the bathroom for him.

These actions are NOT things I'd do in my normal headspace. I'm not a naturally submissive person. In fact, my feminist mother would be ashamed I did those things at all. But I noticed that I was doing them. I wanted to please. I wanted him to be happy. And I wanted to serve him.

Obviously, I was wrong about the bad scene = bad domination. Just because I didn't like the scene at the time, I assumed it was not a success. Boy, was I wrong! We had the hottest time ever in the shower. The pain he caused me and the control he wielded had an effect on my psyche, even when I did not enjoy the pain, and it caused me to feel more submissive for the next day.

We are also trying to figure out questions like: What do we do on days when I don't feel as submissive? When he doesn't feel as dominant? How do we keep D/s alive all the time and not just in the bedroom? How can he make me feel submissive without causing me physical pain? How do I maintain that great "subby" feeling without getting sad and mopey 24 hours later? How do we maintain D/s in a non-sexual way? I'm in favor of more rules, but my Dom is more laid back and doesn't like to make and enforce a lot of rules like some Doms do. These are questions we are trying to find the answers to.

As always, you can expect I'll be blogging about the journey to find the answers. :)

Whose Responsibility Is She?

2011-05-10T11:34:00.002-05:00

Someone on FetLife posted a really great question. I honestly want to mull this one over for a bit. It's such a good question I thought I'd share:

When an adult sub acts bratty, rude, or misbehaves, whose responsibility is it?

Is it hers, because she is an adult and responsible for her own actions?

Or is it his, because he is her Top and he has taken on responsibility for her actions and decisions?

Thoughts?

Nipple torture

2011-04-26T09:58:00.004-05:00

It's hard to find good information on nipple torture. A Google search will basically just show you a bunch of porn sites, even if you search with the Boolean search "minus porn." Apparently, a lot of people like to post videos of it, but finding good info is a bit harder.

Probably the most common kind of nipple torture is using nipple clamps. Most sex toy stores will sell these, even the ones that don't specialize in any kind of BDSM gear. If you've never tried nipple torture before, I'd say these are a good place to start.

There are, of course, many other ways to cause pain to breasts and nipples. Here are a few of them I've read about:

hot wax dripped over the breasts

suction cups

whipping the breasts/nipples

clothespins and nipple clamps

pinching

biting

electric shock

piercing with needles

burning

The problem with a lot of these (suction, electricity, whipping) is that you need special equipment. Most of us don't have whips or nipple suction cups lying around the house.

The problem with some others of these, such as burning or suspending women from their breasts, is that it can be dangerous. You don't ever, ever want to cause internal damage or tearing or permanent burn scars.

My Dom generally likes to use his hands. I guess he's old-fashioned that way. He'll pinch and pull, enough to really hurt me, but not enough to do permanent damage. Generally he uses it as a way to control me and get me to admit he's in charge. We do have nipple clamps and clothespins, too (I hate the nipple clamps because they hurt a LOT, and I like the clothespins because they don't hurt so much, but when he takes them off they do!) but he prefers to use his hands. He also would rather pin me down with his hands than use handcuffs or rope, so I guess that's just his style, even though it means I can move and squirm more than if he used rope.

Like I said, there aren't any really great reference pages for nipple torture, but if you want some porn-free info, here are some pages you might check out for more information:

http://www.peter-masters.com/wiki/index.php/Nipple_torture
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_torture
http://wiki.voyeurweb.com/index.php/Nipple_torture

Even apart, the domination continues

2011-04-17T14:47:00.003-05:00

Even though we are currently living apart while he starts a new job and I finish my old one and get our things packed, when we are together I find my Dom is being even more controlling of me. Sometimes I complain, but I am slowly growing used to it and accepting it. He wants to take our relationship to a deeper D/s dynamic, and I'm basically adjusting as it happens. He isn't asking me, but I have asked for more D/s in the past and so he knows I am okay with it on some level, even if outwardly I sometimes struggle against the control.

From long-distance, domination for us is very small. I know some couples who do great and creative long-distance D/s, such as a Mistress who forces her male sub to spank himself 150 times with the paddle and document it for her with pictures or webcam.

My husband and I don't do anything that intense. I've simply noticed little things, like him bossing me around more over the phone. When I pout and say, "You're being bossy!" he just grins and doesn't answer. I've also noticed that when we are together, he tells me things like, "You're mine" more often than he used to. I really enjoy it. On some level, if I hear it enough, I start to believe it. I may pout and complain and tell him I'm my own woman, but he doesn't give in and eventually he always wins... either by simple, calm waiting or, when I keep being stubborn, my pinching my nipples until I writhe and tell him he's right.

As I drove home today he told me on the phone that he'd enjoyed sex this weekend when we were together even more than usual. I asked him why, and he said it was because he felt like he was "taking" me both times. This is a fantasy that really turns him on (and it's not bad for me either, heh heh). I think this is since I'm 1.) pregnant and 2.) far from him, I feel and act a lot needier when we are together. This makes me act clingy and needy instead of stubborn and independent. When I act like I need his strength and masculinity (which I do), he reacts by feeling more turned on. I liked it because he felt, physically and emotionally, more masculine and in control. As a result of my neediness and femininity, his erection was stronger and he held me tighter and kissed me more passionately. Sex felt different than it ever had: he was holding me really tightly and kissing me harder than ever before. It was an awesome feeling when he came and gasped into my mouth as our tongues met. Even after sex was over, I kept wanting him to kiss me like that forever. We hadn't made out that ferociously since we were dating.

So that's my story for this weekend. I feel like we are heading in a good place. He is still being just as loving, kind, and forgiving as he has always been, but he's just being a bit more stern and commanding and I'm feeling free to be more emotional and show my weaknesses more.

I'm finally home. The laundry is on and the cats were happy I was back--they hate it when I leave so often now. They'd run out of water while I was away, even though I filled the dish the day I left, so they have basically been taking turns gulping out of the fresh water dish since my return. I'm hoping to relax some before the work week starts, and then see my honey soon.

Au revoir!

Pain to Control Me

2011-04-13T12:38:00.000-05:00

Some people have places that feel more "submissive" than others. For instance, I enjoy having my nipples hurt. I don't like the pain, but I love the submissive feeling. On the other hand, other women like having their necks bitten or their clits pinched. To each her own, I say. As I mentioned in my last post, my Dom has been gone a lot. He's taken a new job and I'm finishing up my old one, so for 2 months we're living apart and seeing each other on weekends. It's hard, especially since we don't find time to spend real quality time bonding and talking as easily when we're only together for 1.5 days a week. Last weekend, however, we took some time where he pinned my arms behind my back (I like to be restrained with rope/handcuffs because I can't move, but he enjoys using his hands and feeling me fight) and pinched my nipples. Alone, this wouldn't turn me on so much, but when he looks into my eyes and tells me why he's doing it??.... I melt. When my Dom tells me quietly that he knows it hurts and it means for it to hurt, it turns me on so much. Those words turn me on more than touching ever could. I think this is because, when he's hurting me, part of my brain is confused about what exactly he means. There are several options:

he doesn't realize he's hurting me and is just being inept at the pain/pleasure thing

he's hurting me because he's an asshole

he's hurting me because he wants me to feel controlled, to prove that I'm his

If I'm not sure, I tend to assume it's Option #1 above. This just annoys me that he can't tell if he's hurting me or not. Or, given my past experience with men, I figure it's also possible it's Option #2. But when he holds me down and hurts me and tells me that he's doing it on purpose, and that he owns me, and that I'm his to cause pain to as he wants.... ahhh, something about that just melts my heart and turns me on wildly.

Once he's hurt me and told me why and how he's doing so, I'm his. I'll let him fuck my mouth... I'll let him come all over me and rub it into my skin... I'll let him climb on top of me and slide into me as he tells me to serve him. Without that pain and feeling of being controlled, I'd never let those things happen. Yet in that moment, I'm completely his.

Doms.... take the time to communicate with your sub what you're doing, and why, and to make sure he or he knows that you know just how much pain you're causing.

*happy sigh*

Headcovering in Church and My Submission

2011-04-11T12:11:00.006-05:00

My Dom has been gone for the last 2 weeks, so when he came home this week we had the best time ever. We chatted over coffee and empty plates at lunch (talking = "bonding time"!), browsed the Catholic bookstore in our area, got a lot done around the house, had a BBQ with a friend, and sat outside in the warm sunlight and talked about religion.

All in all, a great time!

When he has been gone so long, I tend to get sort of uppity with him. I forget who is in charge and just get used to doing my own thing, when and how I want. Then when he comes back and tries to re-assert dominance, I tend to frown a lot and complain. Just who does he think he is? I find myself thinking. I've been taking care of myself just fine.

For instance, after reading the Bible verse 1 Corinthians 11:2-16 about women covering their heads when praying (we interpret this as referring mostly to in church) as well as this insightful Muslim critique of Christian women who do not follow this command, my hubby and I decided to go ahead and cover my head during church services on Sundays. Because it would embarrass me, he graciously allows me to go bare-headed when we attend with my mother and family, but otherwise he is usually good to remember to grab a mantilla or scarf for me to hang over my head during church. I don't mind it, and generally I find it helps me to focus more on humility and paying attention in church than worrying about what my hair and makeup look like.

A side note: Yes, I know that many commentaries believe this verse only spoke about women's hair, or that it no longer applies today. However, after in-depth study, I tend to agree with scholars, like those at Words of His Grace, who think this command still applies today. And no, I do not think women who don't wear the headcovering are sinning or being bad Christians. This is simply a simple way that I think many nuns and Muslims today, and holy women of the past, showed their humility and modesty and faith.

It gives me a good feeling when my Dom runs into the bedroom to grab a mantilla (which he gifted me with this Christmas, a very special gift), carries it carefully in his pocket, and then unfolds it and silently hands it to me before the service. It makes me feel like this is something we are doing together, after joint study and prayer, and not just because I wanted to. I also appreciate that it makes me remember that I am under my husband's authority, and not just God's, although of course I'm always under God's first and foremost.

This week, however, I asked my Dom why he has me cover my head during church services on Sundays, but not when I go individually to weekday services every once in a while, and not when we pray or worship at home. The verse seems to be speaking to women in prayer, not just women in prayer at church.

He told me that, when I go to weekday mass alone, he does not mind if I follow our culture's tradition of not covering my head. He says since he is not there, I do not need a symbol of his authority. He likes the headcovering because it symbolizes both my humility as a Christian women (and especially as a submissive), but also my submission to him and to God. My question is: does the Bible indicate that I don't need to wear it when I'm at church alone? Is the headcovering supposed to represent a woman's submission to her husband or to men in general, at least within the church?

I'm not yet sure of these answers, and I'm excited to do some research and learn more.

Either way, it made me happy to sit there beside him and have my head covered, especially since he was the one who ran back inside to get the covering and who helped me make sure my hair stayed modestly covered during the service. It made me happy when he whispered to me how pretty it made me look. This outward symbol of submission helped me get back into the mindset of our D/s relationship as a married couple, even after he'd been gone for a long time and I'd gotten out of the habit of submitting.

My Cat Messed Up My BDSM Scene

2011-03-16T19:33:00.003-05:00

Today, my Dom and I were trying to fit in a little action between when I got off work and when he had to go to work.

Cat #1 was being her normal huffy self, off somewhere being a cat. Cat #2 was happily following us around, purring the whole while.

We moved things into the bedroom and climbed under the covers. We spent a few minutes giggling about a conversation we were having. In the meantime, I noticed all our BDSM toys are still out in the shed, where we put them when we thought we'd be moving. I really miss my nipple clamps and my ball gag--they just set the mood in a way nothing else does. But I had the happy thought that we did have our bondage rope in the house, some good thick stuff that is still soft on the skin. My Dom climbed out of bed, retrieved it from a drawer, and hopped back under the covers.

Of course, the rope was hopelessly tangled. He spent a few minutes trying to untangle it. We kept talking and giggling.

Suddenly, from out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash a movement! My younger cat leapt from some undisclosed hiding position like a furry white rocket and landed right on my stomach, claws splayed and mouth poised to kill. She enthusiastically "killed" the bondage rope and then stood, proud huntress in all her glory, atop both of us and the pile of rope, surveying the damage she had done with a smug face.

Of course, we both burst out into laughter. She did not understand this, and ignored us both, then continued to lie next to me and purr for the next 10 minutes, enthusiastically thwarting all my Dom's attempts to untangle the rope.

Finally, we decided the mood of somber bondage had been ruined and let the cat have her day. I think she still feels quite proud of herself for her "killing leap." Either way, I'm sure the bondage rope has been tamed for the time being.

And my husband and I? We left the rope for the cat and continued with our previous plan, sans bondage.

Nipples!

2011-03-15T19:04:00.002-05:00

May I just say nipples are divine?

I don't know if it's the hormones, or just because mine have always been sensitive... but my Dom touching my nipples has added the extra "umph" to just about anything lately.

Turned on by oral sex but can't quite get off? He reaches up to stroke my areolas and I get there. Not turned on enough by kissing and biting my neck to move on yet? He strokes my areolas and I get all tight and turned on.

Nipples rock.

Well, not just nipples. Areolas rock, too. They're an oft-overlooked part of sex and foreplay, I think. Men either want a fistful of boob or they go straight for the tip of the nipple. Give the middle some action, you know?

Not only can I get turned on my having my areolas teased, stroked, massaged, kissed, or lightly pinched, but every once in a while I can even have an orgasm from it. Even though it's not too often, it's always a nice bonus. My hubby likes it, too. :)

And can I just say that there is something so amazingly sexy about having my Dom look down at me, take both my nipples tenderly in his hands, and--making eye contact the whole time--squeeze my nipples hard and watch my face as I deal with the pain? He loves having the control over me and it turns him on. For me, it gives me a hurt-so-good kind of pain and makes me feel wonderfully controlled. And there is just something so intimate about the forced eye contact while he causes me pain and then gently brings me back to pleasure.

Because my nipples and areolas have been the source of so much pleasure in my sex life, I decided to do a little scouring of the internet about them. Here's what I have found:

Nipples are not made of erectile tissue like penises and clits are. Rather, they stand on end when the muscle underneath them contracts, usually due to the cold or sexual excitement.
Some women can come from just having their areolas stroked.
Areolas are erotic zones and charged with nerve endings, just like the nipples.
Nipples and areolas are considered the 2nd-strongest erogenous zone, after the obvious ones (genitals).
One study placed the percentage of women who have had breast orgasms at 29%.

So while there is no sure-fire way to make a woman come from touching her breasts, it's still worth it to spend some time exploring her areolas and nipples and seeing what she likes. And, if it's a turn-on for some women, I'd say it's a safe bet that it's a turn-on for some men, too.